she prays for us too*

the friday evening our social worker phoned us to ask when we can pick her up, i just came back from a two hour massage.

a two hour massage, where, when i went to lie down, i cried.

i cried to God. about us not being able to 'just get another child'. i didn't care if we did not get pregnant, why couldn't people who want to adopt children, not 'just get a child'.  (i know about all the legal things. trust me, i do).  but this night, i wondered and asked God and wanted to know why we could not just get another child. this not knowing. the hoping and trusting and wanting to believe, but you don't know how long you can still 'hold on'.  it's endless. it breaks your heart. every moment you have to hold on and cling to the promise that your baby is on her/his way, every new morning you get up, you hold on some more, but your heart breaks a little bit more too.

it usually takes me about 20 minutes to relax into the massage...
i remember crying, praying...
and then total surrender.

total surrender

i remember telling Him that i cannot do this anymore. i cannot hold on and believe that our baby is on his/her way. i'm tired.

i remember thinking 'i don't know what to do anymore, i surrender. totally and wholeheartedly, i surrender. He must do what He wants to do. i can't do this anymore'.

i closed my eyes and relaxed into the massage, with an indescribable sadness lingering within.

2,5 hours later she phoned. and she asked: 'when can you be back in south africa to pick up your little girl?'

just like that. today i can say just like that. returning to the waiting, especially now, being within the waiting again, it's heart wrenching.  it's playing with your emotions daily, trying to stay in the present and make each moment count with the people around you.

but

you do hold onto that hope.
you trust. big time. not just because you need Him. you trust because He is the truth, the way.
you believe that He has big plans for your life.
you know that He wants only good things for your life and
you feel your other children is out there, waiting for you.

you can feel it.

we prayed for years for our little girl too.  in october 2010 i wrote a letter to 'our beautiful baby' under a tree in the shade, not even knowing that she was on her way.  already growing in her birth mama's tummy.

but i could feel her in my heart.

she won't go to sleep at night before we did not pray. and it is kneeling-down-on-your-knees, hands-together-praying. 

she prays:
'................ (insert mumbles of sounds here)... pappa'
'.................(insert mumbles of sounds here)...mamma'
'.................(insert mumbles of sounds here)...boeta'
'..................(insert mumbles of sounds here)...whobin' (robin)
'..................(inserts mumbles of sounds here)...ferris.....timo.....nana (her best friends and their mama)
AAAAAAAAAAAA-men!

blessed*

a few nights ago, while putting him to bed, he turned around, threw his arms around me and said:
'thank you mama, thank you that you were the first mama that prayed for me'.

last night he prayed: 'thank you God, that you chose the perfect mommy and daddy to be parents for me'.

it can be by chance that he prayed the above... but having prayed for this little boy for 8 years, made his prayer exceptionally special.  it was moments of deep breaths, reminding one self, to be quiet and to cherish that moment... grasping the prayer with both my hands into my heart where the love i have for this boy, is deep and fierce.

he gets me. his daddy will some days look at me, then at him, shake his head and say: "he is just like you, are you sure we adopted him?".

he is soft and kind and silly and fun.  he loves to cuddle and is always touching me with his foot or hand. he will take my hand in public and hold on tight, 'to never let me go'.

he gets irritated and frustrated when he is tired. he loves to sleep and always has a teddy or two or three with him in bed.

he is currently into sports. want to take golf lessons, because 'he wants to master all the different types of sport so that he can be really good'.

the day he was born, a friend came to me and told me: 'your son was born last night. i had a dream that your names was engraved on his forehead'.  i thought... yes right.  we are moving to the uk, i don't really care.

but i kept on praying. for our children. to come home.

18 months later, on a monday afternoon at 5, my phone rang, the same friend asked me if i was sitting and asked if we can adopt him, as he is going to be placed for adoption.

i prayed for him. every single day for 8 years, i prayed for him.

now he is praying for me xx

where have I been?

my first born went to year 2.  we were both a bit apprehensive and scared for the changes and the new things, but he was brave and willing to take on the new challenges.

this little muffet started a new school and LOVES it. amazing what a difference experienced teachers make to your child's life. 

i am so in love with that little lips..the way she pulls her mouth when she concentrates... adorable. 

she loves play dough and trying new things... 

Robin Hood went to school... he was quite the man :-) 

(for bookweek)

superman and papa smurf was there too. 

(this is Kellen's principal and department head of his school - i love the teachers) 

his new class and everyone was game for some fun in book week 

the year 8 children came down to their class to read with them... 

i still cannot believe that my son can read.... amazing

 we helped Kellen's teacher to decorate the front of their class for the book week door competition... 

and we won! 

you can climb every mountain*

kellen half-way up the mountain in the Quiver forest just outside Nieuwoudtville 

kellen:  "i'm going to run up the mountain". 

dad:      "no, you can't go now. we can come back another day. grandma and grandpa is waiting in the car. we have to take them into consideration as well." 

kellen:  "but dad! this is what traveling is all about. running up mountains, looking for treasures,                    exploring and seeing and finding new things. it's the first time we are here and i have to try everything at least once!" (with an exclamation mark)  

me:   "yes, you are right. run, i will wait for you. you can climb every mountain." 

Gosh! i love this boy. and one day when he starts traveling by himself, i will stand at the airport, waving goodbye, swallowing my tears, but boy will i be proud! 

** read this beautiful written piece on traveling young  by Jeff Goins

smiling big*

our hearts are full... 

we spent 4 weeks with cousins + godchildren + sisters + brothers + fathers + mothers = family.

it was loud and busy and real and funny and a few fights and lots of laughter.

loads of memories.

we went to the seaside, open planes of the knersvlakte and the beautiful winelands.

we spent all our time with grandparents, cousins and friends. 

trying to get as close as possible to them without another cousin jumping in between. 

smiling from ear to ear, sleeping off the jet lag, unpacking and smiling,

remembering every moment in our country. 

“Sometimes," he sighed, "I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see. ” 
― Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

cousins*

one of the few moments of standing still... in silence...just hearing the wind blowing around us... 

these four have been busy and loud and awake! and alive! 

we may (or may not) have given them a little something to stand against the wall and smile...

but the suspense and eagerness to get up and run? 

they are on the go all the time.

in this moment i'm sitting in the bathroom with my laptop.

 i locked the door. 

all the kids (6 in total), in the lounge with the family... 

the silence in here, truly is golden. 

breath... 

ok...

ready to enter the madhouse 

of love and laughter! 

no place like home with the family! 

inspired*

i am inspired by the wonder and awe of our children... their fascination to learn and know everything about anything... i'm inspired by the love for my country... the boldness and longing to do something meaningful with ones' life. i'm inspired by maggie and how she is changing the world one child at a time... my brain is spinning with ideas of how i too, can change life, one child at a time...