dear mom of an adopted child*

the 1st time i saw and held our baby girl, cape town international airport, 25/08/2011

1st time meeting and holding our son, kellen, 14/07/2008

It is rare to find a written piece of work that touch your heart on so many levels, you want to shout out to the world 'read this! read this! this is how we feel'.  So whether you are an adoptive mom or a birth giving mom, we are all blessed, blessed to be called 'mom'.  This touching piece of writing was written by Kathy Lynn Harris.  

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

bonding through adoption* the power of touch*

when bella came to live with us, she was nearly 3 months old. she lived with the most amazing people in a safe house in the eastern cape, where she was loved until she came to us. we did not know about her life, her birth, until 6 days before we picked her up.  

bella was such a good baby. slept continuously.  i remember wanting to wake her up so that i could hold her...hehe... i tried for 3 months to rock her to sleep with no success.  she would wriggle and cry and try to push me away, as soon as i put her in the cot, she would fall asleep.  (which, according to all the baby books, is perfect).  but as an adoptive mama, who have never had a little baby, you want to hold your baby...you want her to want to fall asleep in your arms.... 

i surrendered and counted my blessings and many a day sat next to her cot, watching her sleep...wishing for the day that she will fall asleep in my arms. 

about 5 months ago, we started to put bella with us in our bed just before bedtime.  we would all read a story together, sing some songs, talk about our day and then it usually is the big cuddle.  we've respected bella's need for no touch/space, also knowing how important it is to keep on touching her, continuously trying to cuddle. 

during her afternoon nap she will go lie right on the other side of the bed.  i've tried to keep contact, whether it is my fingers playing with her hair, my toes touching her toes, my arm on her arm... i would keep on touching, skin to skin, so that she can feel my presence, until she would shake my arm/foot off.

about 2 weeks ago she was quite unsettled and tried to lie as far as possible away from me.  should she have moved any further, she would have fallen off the bed.  this particular day, just after witnessing and taking this photo, my heart was literally breaking.  i just want to hold her and love her.  she refused any contact at all, started crying when i touched her, even with my toes.

i decided to let it go, lay down on my back and closed my eyes. prayed that she will soften this resistance for love.

i must have fallen asleep. when i opened my eyes a few minutes later, this was my view... my heart was beating faster and tears instantly ran down my cheeks.

the following week, i decided to ignore her, not even trying to touch her in any way and lay on my back with my eyes closed.  a few minutes later, she came to me and was laying like this... it's magical... you don't want to move... or breath... you want to pause that moment for ever and re-live how she came to cuddle on your shoulder.

i've been pushing my luck with her the last 2 months.  i can feel her energy when we go lie down and this specific day i just moved closer and closer... ended right here and she looked at me, turned the other way and fell asleep.

it is the most magical moments of all. being so close, without her resisting my love.

there are still days when i  have to give her her space. but you keep on trying.

kellen is our cuddler galore. he is always laying with one leg over both of us and touching our face.  although he is her hero, the cuddling thing, even with him, is sometimes too much for her.

i was talking with someone about this on which they replied and said that there were so many negative emotions surrounding her birth mom being pregnant with her, she is still protecting herself.

when i told them that she fell asleep in my arms, someone replied: aawww... she is allowing in all the love, she can now love you fully and let you love her fully back.

how true the above is, i will never know.  but i would never have thought that it would take nearly 2 years for us to get bella to cuddle with us before she falls asleep.  kellen came to live with us when he was 18 months old and grew up with a granddad that held him and tickled him constantly.  kellen slept with him in his bed and from the beginning he wanted to lie with us in bed. i would have never imagined, having a baby from 3 months old, being able to cuddle with her will only happen 2 years later.

there are no words to describe the joy and love these two bring into our lives.  adoption has so many layers of thoughts and feelings, experiences and not knowings.

"Touching is a beautiful, connecting, survival-oriented, 

heart-opening act, and we need to do more of it.  

In touching each other with love, we are really touching God'.  

        

 (The Power of Touch, Phyllis K. Davis, PH.D.)

gratitude for simple things*

i was going to write a post on connecting with your babies/children before you have met them after reading this beautiful written post by Stacy...and then i thought maybe that is too much for a friday. 

what i can say, is that the other day i was reading in Romans and God said: 'if you believe in Me, I will not disappoint you'.  this is the promise i'm holding on to until we meet our other children. i believe in God and prayer and would like to invite you to pray with us that we will find our way to our children. 

the first post was about connecting with them, moving onto adoption, moving onto very very deep thoughts... but let's rather enjoy this beautiful day in simple ways... enjoying these two silly things with a heart full full full and literally flowing over.

running to the park... 

bella wants to run to the park... on the side walk, very close to the road...she likes to challenge (me) herself and see how far she can go before i strap her up in the stroller... and kellen... he just cycles on and shows us the way...

they know the path to the park and are showing me where to go...
(notice bella is still running..hehe)

she is a little tree hugger... walk with us on the day that she decides today every tree along the road will get a hug...it takes for ever...but with every hug, she gives a huge aaaaaaa... as to really show her love.

one of these days i will have to pay him to smile at the camera...

the two of them...they have my heart. they are best friends. when they wake up in the mornings they look for each other first... hugs and kisses.... he is definitely her favorite person on earth... and she does everything he does...

when we play 'tag' (when last did you play tag? help me... )... this is the face i get when i cannot catch him... he thinks the fact that he is faster than i am, is hilarious.

we played hide-and-seek in the park (when last did you play hide-and-seek?  most amazing experience to see the joy on their faces...) bella does not get the whole hide-and-seek thing yet..she giggles and jumps up and scream and then falls down again... never hide with bella close to you! this was her face when she jumped up to give her 'hiding place' away and i told her she was suppose to be quiet...she was hiding in the slide. quite clever.

when did this happen. this baby girl climbs onto the see-saw and stands on top of the seat, trying to balance standing without holding onto anything. i could only take the first photo because my heart nearly stopped when i realised she is trying to stand on the seat

she looks at the camera and say 'cheese'...

he has such a soft and kind heart.... when meeting new friends he gets a bit quieter and just smiles...

but he is a fierce tree-hugger!

ummm... yes. you can't catch me! (she does everything her big brother does).

and when they are tired, they literally just fell down, lie on their backs and rest! he calls it 'telling cloud stories mama'.

happy weekend!

6 magical years old*

kellen turned six.

when he turned 2 (& 3 & 4 & 5), on his birthday, he used to wake up and turn over, smiled while  watching how the candles burned. this year, he is 6. he slept on his tummy, mumbled something about  'i want to sleep some more, leave me alone'... until he realised it was HIS birthday.  in that instant, i realised he is growing up.. too big too fast... and my heart skipped beat.

his favorite color is orange. he loves doughnuts and when we have meals, he prefers vegetables or fruit or salad over meat. when i ask him what he wants for dinner he would say pasta or fish.  he talks non-stop at the table. he adores his little sister, she is his favorite person.  and his daddy. he wants to be outside all the time. he loves any type of ball games, especially rugby and soccer.  he speaks english at school and afrikaans at home. he is kind and caring. he will help a friend in need. he cannot wait to get to school in the mornings to see his friends. he loves reading at school, but not at home. he wants to do things that an artist does. he loves being creative. he is always making something for someone with paper. we lay with him when he goes to dreamland. he always say: 'meet you at the lego tree mama'.

he is kind.  soft hearted. compassionate and open. shy. impatient when he is tired and loves to cuddle. he is happy and easy going. he is amazing.

(love you to the moon and back xx)

living in gratitude*

From the fullness of His grace we have all 

received one blessing after another.

~ John 1:16 ~

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when 

our hearts are conscious of our treasures." - Thornton Wilder

1st halloween ever*

Halloween is BIG here where we live... we decided to take part for the fun of dressing up and for the trick-or-treating.  Around the corner from where we live there was an arm and a leg sticking out from the postbox and kellen asked me every day for a week...mommy, please don't get an arm and a leg...it's scary'.  

We've made it a positive and sweet halloween... i introduce to you... 

Batman & Tinkerbell 

 can we please get going? Where are all the treats? 

 come bella, this way...

most of the people in our compound gathering at the swimming pool

before we go out trick-and-treating

there were quite a big number of children... 

 batman protected tinkerbell through the chaos

 there were some brilliant costumes, even the adults dressed up... 

enough now! where is all this treats you are speaking off? 

nobody is put off by the rain...

 made for brilliant puddle jumping... 

think bella enjoyed that the most... 

"ok, i'm tired. go home. sweets are done. 

no more treats. time for bed".

a very tired little tinker bell... and batman? 

he was off sharing all his treats with the kids

knocking on our door xx

*it was his idea to share his treats with the kids when ours was finish... 
i'm such a proud mama :-) 

i want to remember*

i want to remember how brave he was on his first day. he walked into the hall and sat next to his friends, looking behind him every now and then to making eye-contact with me...

i want to remember how when he walked into his new class, he bravely let go of my hand and went to the back of the class to play with the cars...

i want to remember how proud i was of him when he told me i can go now, he has to stay in his new class

i want to remember how this mama stood around, wanting to stay, but bravely turned around and left

i want to remember how excited i was to pick him.. how he stood there and when he looked up...

he saw me and gave me the biggest, most beautiful smile...

i want to remember how happy he was to see me... and kept eye-contact until he had to go stand in the row

i want to remember how big he was and waited patiently until his teacher opened the door

i want to remember how proud i was of him

i want to remember how he told me to go wait with the other mommies, how he looked at me and showed me to come to him... how obedient he was and waited until his teacher told him that he can go to me...

i want to remember how he hugged me and held me a few minutes longer than usual...

i want to remember how he woke up in the mornings with questions about school...

i want to remember how excited he got when we walked up to his class...

i want to remember how tired he was when i picked him up in the afternoons... and how he said 'i just want to rest a little bit'...

i want to remember how the first thing he say when i pick him up is: 'mama, i'm hungry'.

i want to remember how he asked me on the 4th day:
him: 'mama, until what age must i stay in school?'
me: 'until you are 18, why are you asking'.
him: 'i don't like school, i have to do what they tell me to do all the time and i want to do what i want to do'.

1st day in year 1*

yesterday was his first day in year 1.  

a new teacher and new friends... he wanted to know if I'm going to go with him to his class and stay a little while.

when he got up at 7am (!!! we slept until 9am every day for the last 7 weeks of holiday!) he giggled, looked at me and said: 'mamma, you wish you were me who could go to school today, but you can't go, because you are too big'.  

on monday evening we had a 'back-to-school celebration'. i cooked his favorite dinner and he could have his dessert first. he was quite chuffed with himself.  he was giggling through out the dinner. 

i made this crown for him, which we will do yearly and spoke about our motto for the year, 

daring greatly. to be in a different country, in a new school year, speaking a second language can be quite daunting.  so we are daring greatly, staying positive and making the best of every chance we get. 

yes, he wants to make cars when he is big. it changed in the last week from doing what his daddy does, to the 'best soccer man there is', to making cars.  this was the one he chose this morning...hehe... 

it's still a bit surreal that our 'little' boy is in big school, going to learn to read and write this year... my heart was beating a bit faster today and i wished i could have stayed there and just observe... 

he had a great day.  when i picked him up, he ran to me and held me a few minutes longer than he usually does... which reminded me that he is just a little boy.

i made a crown for his little sister as well, but as you can see she was nowhere to be seen as she was climbing on the couch, and the chairs, and the table and the steps... (and took a bite out of the crown)... she is going to move mountains... hehe...

heart fluttering - "tee-tjies"

my sweet boy, 

you are growing up way too fast.  you are playing more and more on your own, helping yourself with porridge in the mornings, taking your own self-portraits, figuring out things by yourself. i'm so proud of you for how independent you are, and yet, at the same time, my heart skip beats as to how quickly it happens. 

i love every little and big thing of you... 

the way your face lit up when you see your sister

the way you enjoy figuring things out

the way you try to get yourself out of trouble

the way you start laughing when you try to get something you are not allowed to

the way you ask for tea... 

aunty sue gave your cousin a cup of tea at night, and now, all of sudden, you want 'tee-tjies' too. my heart flutters when you look at me with those beautiful eyes and ask:  'mama, can i please have some tee-tjies'. 

i want to hug and kiss and knibble you all at once... and then i have to remember that you are growing up and you want to be independent. when i do hug you, you smile and  wiggle loose and ask me 'i asked you, mama, may i please have some  'tee-tjies'.  

 self-portrait taken by kellen 

things i've noticed of you these past few months... 

* you love being silly

* you love making plans

* you love being between your cousins 

* you struggle to share all the time... 

* you 'fight' for what is yours (hehe...in my eyes that is a good quality)

* you want to be outside more and more... you love being outside

* you love being in the garden...watering the grass.... pruning... 

* you protect your little sister

* you love asking questions...about everything... 

* you love playing with your daddy

* and cars

you are...
soft and caring
wild and loud
adventurous
spontaneous
responsible (sometimes not)
an explorer
love talking
and arguing...  (that's a story all on its own).
you care about others and on a few occasions you have said: 'one day, i want to be a daddy and all the kids who don't have mommies and daddies (and food) can come live with me. i will feed them and be their daddy'.

your expression in the photo above is the one you give me when you ask for tea... it is also the expression you have when you are caring and concerned about others, your soft heart and your genuine-ness shining through your smile...

i love you. when my heart flutters when you speak with me i remember YOU made me a mama...

i love you my not-so-baby-boy-anymore xx

a feel-good story: the sweetness that is he*

A few weeks ago we were attending a birthday party of one of his friends.  Kellen and said friend's sister started running around and had loads of fun. Kellen just turned 5 and t is 8 years old.

On our way home we had the following conversation:

him:  mommy, can we go visit t at her house?
me:   yes we can.

silence.... after a short while...

him: mommy, when we go, i want to put on a jean and a 'cool shirt'.
me:  you can do that.

silence....

him: mommy, i think t will like a pink shirt.
me: yes, i think so too...

in the meantime, i'm bursting with joy (and giggles)... the sweetness of my little boy...

on monday we got home and he asked if he could make a card for t.  (he gets that from me, because we are regularly making cards for people we care for).  i gave him some card and pens and told him to cut out some pictures from a magazine. he said: 'no mommy, i want to punch butterflies and paste some of your flowers'.  :-0)  he then drew a picture of them playing in a field and t is picking flowers... (be still my heart*)

on tuesday he gave t the card and her mom told me that it was the first thing she told her when she picked her up and that t said she is going to put it up in her room.  she also said that t's friend, m, asked why she did not get a card. 

on wednesday, when we were in the shop, kellen asked me if he can buy t a gift.  (how can i not say yes?) he chose a little diary that can lock..hehee... and bought one for m too...

“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” Kahlil Gibran