a joy*

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” 

― Rumi

blessed*

a few nights ago, while putting him to bed, he turned around, threw his arms around me and said:
'thank you mama, thank you that you were the first mama that prayed for me'.

last night he prayed: 'thank you God, that you chose the perfect mommy and daddy to be parents for me'.

it can be by chance that he prayed the above... but having prayed for this little boy for 8 years, made his prayer exceptionally special.  it was moments of deep breaths, reminding one self, to be quiet and to cherish that moment... grasping the prayer with both my hands into my heart where the love i have for this boy, is deep and fierce.

he gets me. his daddy will some days look at me, then at him, shake his head and say: "he is just like you, are you sure we adopted him?".

he is soft and kind and silly and fun.  he loves to cuddle and is always touching me with his foot or hand. he will take my hand in public and hold on tight, 'to never let me go'.

he gets irritated and frustrated when he is tired. he loves to sleep and always has a teddy or two or three with him in bed.

he is currently into sports. want to take golf lessons, because 'he wants to master all the different types of sport so that he can be really good'.

the day he was born, a friend came to me and told me: 'your son was born last night. i had a dream that your names was engraved on his forehead'.  i thought... yes right.  we are moving to the uk, i don't really care.

but i kept on praying. for our children. to come home.

18 months later, on a monday afternoon at 5, my phone rang, the same friend asked me if i was sitting and asked if we can adopt him, as he is going to be placed for adoption.

i prayed for him. every single day for 8 years, i prayed for him.

now he is praying for me xx

truth* (of infertility)

the truth is...

i don't want to write about all the sad things of my heart.

right in the beginning i thought my blog is going to be about our amazing and beautiful and blessed life. i did a writing course and realised again that my best writing, and the writing you want to read, is the truth of my heart.  the posts, where i write from my heart, where i open it up, where i don't think about it, and just write what comes from my heart, those are the posts that you want to read.

blogging is a funny thing.  I thought that people want to read about happiness and good things and dreams coming true, which i believe to be true too. right now,  i guess it's the heart of the matter, it is the truth that needs to be told.

i'm writing about this, because i know how grateful i felt when i stumbled upon a blog 7 years ago of a beautiful girl who could not have her own children too... i thought i was over all the infertility stuff and have moved on, but the more i read, the more the feelings re-surfaced and i realised i did not have the words to say what i was feeling. and here, here is someone who knows exactly what i'm going through.

i felt held and loved and not alone.  i felt 'normal' within the abnormalities of this journey. someone, a million miles away, knew how i felt.

i felt seen.

accepted.

loved.

she gave me hope.

i'm quite a 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get' type of girl - very honest. not always the best combo, but i'm all about showing up and being real.

(if these post are too heavy or personal for you, this is maybe not the blog for you to read).

i hope that my words will make you, who truly need this, feel as if you are not alone either. that what you are feeling is real.  i hope you feel 'normal' within all this sadness, but above all, i hope you find
H O P E in my words, because at the end there is always always hope!

H O P E and T R U S T.

i would love to hear your story... please email me at lynnemalan@gmail.com.

the truth of infertility is that your story matter.

it's ok to feel what you feel.

you are normal.

this all sucks right now, but in the end, when you hold that little baby in your arms, it was all worth it!

please share... and know that you are not alone.

Lin xx

* soaking up this beautiful life for the next 4 weeks! will be back in September

this is for you who are still waiting...

we are waiting too.

we are waiting for our other children.

it's endless.

you don't know anything.

it could happen tomorrow, next month, next year, 2 years from now...or never.

the 'is it going to happen at all' enters one's mind so often...daily... while you wait with every little thing in your heart for your child... you pray, you think positive thoughts, you hope and trust. you stay grateful for the life and children you already have. you try not to feel guilty for wanting more children (when there are so many couples who are still waiting for their first child).

you believe that the plan that God has for your family goes beyond anything you have ever thought... you believe that the plan He has for your family is huge and beautiful and many kids full and happy and healthy and soon. you believe it will be soon, 'at exactly the right time for your family'.

you trust.

and pray.

and trust again.

you live in trust.

you hold to every promise God made in the Bible and you trust in the big big plan He has for you.

thinking back about our life before our kids...how 'we' decided we are going to go on with our lives without children... 'because we choose to do so'...just to have that little bit control in your hands...you made that choice...

and today, with 2 children in our hearts and our hearts waiting in anticipation and patience and trust for our other children.. we cannot imagine our life without children. we, him and i, were put on this earth to parent these children... i know it in my heart.

wanting to have control in the situation is natural and normal.

let it go.

it takes too much energy. energy you can use to pray your children home. energy that you can use to let go and trust that He knows.

surrender.

surrender into trust.

surrender into God.

“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.” 
― Bede Griffiths

it will happen xx

* sending you who are still waiting the biggest and softest, 'i understand' hug... i know how scared you are, i know how much you doubt this truth, i know.

i also know it does happen, and you are loved and wanted and waiting... and yes, you are a mama, you are trusting, because it can happen for you too.

this is for YOU who are still waiting and trying to be called 'mama'*

dear You-who-are-waiting-to-be-called-a-mama, 

i know about the empty feeling of not being able to get pregnant. 

i know about the fear of 'will it ever happen'. 

i know about the constant thoughts of 'maybe this month'.

i know about the continues trying and making it fun part. 

i know about the not knowing. 

i know about it being not fun anymore. 

i know about the 'what if i never get pregnant'. 

i know about the dreams that he and you talk about until the wee hours of the night. 

i know about the names that you have already chosen. 

i know about the talks you have about whose lips and eyes your baby is going to have. 

i know about the giggles of what you want your baby to be like. 

i know about the hope you have for your baby's future.

i know about the room that you have already set up in your mind.

i know about the million times you walked into a baby store to just look... look at what you will buy 'if'.

i know about the friend you know for 'whose baby you can buy this'.

i know about the overwhelm & tears when you stand with your friends' baby's gift in your arms, wanting with everything in you to buy it for YOUR baby...

i know how you throw the clothes down, tears streaming down your face, and run out of the shop.

i know how this happens more than once. 

i know about the hope of treatment, ivf, icsi, clomid, you name it...about all the options. 

i know about donors and surrogates. 

i know about all the advise family and friends so freely give. 

and do i know about the 'just wait until you don't think about it, and before you know it, you will be pregnant'. 

i know about the invasive procedures of (in)fertility treatment. 

i know all about 'hope'. the 'gift' of a baby at the end of the emotional roller coaster. 

i know of the 25% success rate with these procedures and all i see on the walls are the photos of the babies that were born within that 25%.

i also know about the unknown. 

i know about the fear when you go for your first implant. 

i know about the support group number on the wall and the thinking 'i'm not that desperate'. 

i know about the not knowing what to expect. 

i know about the shyness of putting on the gown and going into a room full of strangers.

i know about acting as if this is no big deal. 

i know about the knowing that you have absolute no idea what to expect. 

i know how scared you are. 

i know how unfair this is. 

i know how angry you are. 

i know about every single time you speak with God and how you want to curse Him for making you one of them. 

i know about the endless injections and medicine. 

i know about the keeping it together emotionally. 

i know about your husband trying everything to 'take care' of you just in case you fall apart. 

i know about the fear of every injection. 

i know about the thoughts of 'i can do this, we are going to have a baby, this is nothing - thoughts'. 

i know about getting up at 7am to go to your neighbor (who is a nurse), to give you said injection. 

i know about smiling and being brave, where all you want to do is cry! 

i know about the waiting. 

i know about the devastation of dreams shattered when you hear 'your test is negative'.

sweet one who is already a mama in her heart, 

i also know about adoption and miracles and 'meant to be'. 

i know about the perfect time. 

i know about God being in control of our life plan. 

i know what it is to be called 'mama'. 

i know how sad one feels on mother's day when you've been trying every.thing.to.get.pregnant.and.it.is.not.happening. 

i know how you are pretending that special days like today don't upset you. 

i know how you concentrate on your own mom and shrug your own motherhood off as if a fleeting thought. 

i know how you think about motherhood every.single.minute.of.every.day.

this series of 'i know letters' is written for you. 

in honor of you. 

mothers'day, may 2013

bella, me & kellen

 this can be your story too. 

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” 

― Rumi

dear mom of an adopted child*

the 1st time i saw and held our baby girl, cape town international airport, 25/08/2011

1st time meeting and holding our son, kellen, 14/07/2008

It is rare to find a written piece of work that touch your heart on so many levels, you want to shout out to the world 'read this! read this! this is how we feel'.  So whether you are an adoptive mom or a birth giving mom, we are all blessed, blessed to be called 'mom'.  This touching piece of writing was written by Kathy Lynn Harris.  

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

bonding through adoption* the power of touch*

when bella came to live with us, she was nearly 3 months old. she lived with the most amazing people in a safe house in the eastern cape, where she was loved until she came to us. we did not know about her life, her birth, until 6 days before we picked her up.  

bella was such a good baby. slept continuously.  i remember wanting to wake her up so that i could hold her...hehe... i tried for 3 months to rock her to sleep with no success.  she would wriggle and cry and try to push me away, as soon as i put her in the cot, she would fall asleep.  (which, according to all the baby books, is perfect).  but as an adoptive mama, who have never had a little baby, you want to hold your baby...you want her to want to fall asleep in your arms.... 

i surrendered and counted my blessings and many a day sat next to her cot, watching her sleep...wishing for the day that she will fall asleep in my arms. 

about 5 months ago, we started to put bella with us in our bed just before bedtime.  we would all read a story together, sing some songs, talk about our day and then it usually is the big cuddle.  we've respected bella's need for no touch/space, also knowing how important it is to keep on touching her, continuously trying to cuddle. 

during her afternoon nap she will go lie right on the other side of the bed.  i've tried to keep contact, whether it is my fingers playing with her hair, my toes touching her toes, my arm on her arm... i would keep on touching, skin to skin, so that she can feel my presence, until she would shake my arm/foot off.

about 2 weeks ago she was quite unsettled and tried to lie as far as possible away from me.  should she have moved any further, she would have fallen off the bed.  this particular day, just after witnessing and taking this photo, my heart was literally breaking.  i just want to hold her and love her.  she refused any contact at all, started crying when i touched her, even with my toes.

i decided to let it go, lay down on my back and closed my eyes. prayed that she will soften this resistance for love.

i must have fallen asleep. when i opened my eyes a few minutes later, this was my view... my heart was beating faster and tears instantly ran down my cheeks.

the following week, i decided to ignore her, not even trying to touch her in any way and lay on my back with my eyes closed.  a few minutes later, she came to me and was laying like this... it's magical... you don't want to move... or breath... you want to pause that moment for ever and re-live how she came to cuddle on your shoulder.

i've been pushing my luck with her the last 2 months.  i can feel her energy when we go lie down and this specific day i just moved closer and closer... ended right here and she looked at me, turned the other way and fell asleep.

it is the most magical moments of all. being so close, without her resisting my love.

there are still days when i  have to give her her space. but you keep on trying.

kellen is our cuddler galore. he is always laying with one leg over both of us and touching our face.  although he is her hero, the cuddling thing, even with him, is sometimes too much for her.

i was talking with someone about this on which they replied and said that there were so many negative emotions surrounding her birth mom being pregnant with her, she is still protecting herself.

when i told them that she fell asleep in my arms, someone replied: aawww... she is allowing in all the love, she can now love you fully and let you love her fully back.

how true the above is, i will never know.  but i would never have thought that it would take nearly 2 years for us to get bella to cuddle with us before she falls asleep.  kellen came to live with us when he was 18 months old and grew up with a granddad that held him and tickled him constantly.  kellen slept with him in his bed and from the beginning he wanted to lie with us in bed. i would have never imagined, having a baby from 3 months old, being able to cuddle with her will only happen 2 years later.

there are no words to describe the joy and love these two bring into our lives.  adoption has so many layers of thoughts and feelings, experiences and not knowings.

"Touching is a beautiful, connecting, survival-oriented, 

heart-opening act, and we need to do more of it.  

In touching each other with love, we are really touching God'.  

        

 (The Power of Touch, Phyllis K. Davis, PH.D.)

home*

Our hearts are full! 

Yesterday we arrived home after a 21 hour flight from South Africa! (the kids were angels).

We realised (again) how much we love our country. 

We know how much we are loved by our families.

We look forward to the day that we pack our belongings and go back to South Africa for good.   

We had 3 weeks of tremendous laughter! and giggles, of cousins and connections that only happens in families, (that thing about 'ties that bind' - yes!), weeks of sea and sand and blue blue skies, of colder weather (which we loved!), of beskuit (rusks) and meat and potjiekos and lots of wine, weeks of going to bed late at night and getting up early to capture the day (not! the kids woke up early..hehe). We had the most amazing 3 weeks with our families in our home country, South Africa. 

Just before we left we were contacted by a lady to adopt a baby boy... unfortunately he has been adopted by another family and we are excitingly waiting for our baby.  Praying that he/she will arrive at exactly the right time as we know that God knows every little and big detail.  

I will post more about all of the above in the next few weeks. 

Heart full. 

Kids (very) happy (and awake :-) 

Dreaming. Praying. Trusting. Knowing. 

gratitude for simple things*

i was going to write a post on connecting with your babies/children before you have met them after reading this beautiful written post by Stacy...and then i thought maybe that is too much for a friday. 

what i can say, is that the other day i was reading in Romans and God said: 'if you believe in Me, I will not disappoint you'.  this is the promise i'm holding on to until we meet our other children. i believe in God and prayer and would like to invite you to pray with us that we will find our way to our children. 

the first post was about connecting with them, moving onto adoption, moving onto very very deep thoughts... but let's rather enjoy this beautiful day in simple ways... enjoying these two silly things with a heart full full full and literally flowing over.

running to the park... 

bella wants to run to the park... on the side walk, very close to the road...she likes to challenge (me) herself and see how far she can go before i strap her up in the stroller... and kellen... he just cycles on and shows us the way...

they know the path to the park and are showing me where to go...
(notice bella is still running..hehe)

she is a little tree hugger... walk with us on the day that she decides today every tree along the road will get a hug...it takes for ever...but with every hug, she gives a huge aaaaaaa... as to really show her love.

one of these days i will have to pay him to smile at the camera...

the two of them...they have my heart. they are best friends. when they wake up in the mornings they look for each other first... hugs and kisses.... he is definitely her favorite person on earth... and she does everything he does...

when we play 'tag' (when last did you play tag? help me... )... this is the face i get when i cannot catch him... he thinks the fact that he is faster than i am, is hilarious.

we played hide-and-seek in the park (when last did you play hide-and-seek?  most amazing experience to see the joy on their faces...) bella does not get the whole hide-and-seek thing yet..she giggles and jumps up and scream and then falls down again... never hide with bella close to you! this was her face when she jumped up to give her 'hiding place' away and i told her she was suppose to be quiet...she was hiding in the slide. quite clever.

when did this happen. this baby girl climbs onto the see-saw and stands on top of the seat, trying to balance standing without holding onto anything. i could only take the first photo because my heart nearly stopped when i realised she is trying to stand on the seat

she looks at the camera and say 'cheese'...

he has such a soft and kind heart.... when meeting new friends he gets a bit quieter and just smiles...

but he is a fierce tree-hugger!

ummm... yes. you can't catch me! (she does everything her big brother does).

and when they are tired, they literally just fell down, lie on their backs and rest! he calls it 'telling cloud stories mama'.

happy weekend!

(celebrate today) #fridayfavs

Hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you. 

~Rumi

I'm joining Rachel in her favorites for fridays post where i will be sharing some photos of the week... enjoy them! it literally is blessings that drops into my heart...every.single.day

snuggles and giggles with kellen and his two little dragons. they go everywhere and have the most               interesting conversations.
listen to everything they say.

every morning i drive the same road to kellen's school. every morning i stop at this traffic light, looking for the washing mama. every day she is hanging clothes on their lines to dry. every day i wonder what her life is like... is it hard... is she happy... how many grandchildren does she have...are they healthy...but mostly... is she happy....
look for the beauty around you.

these curls? wild & crazy.  happiness live here. in them. with them. 

be wild...don't try to tame your spirit...you were born wild! 

grateful for our healthy children. for them meeting their physical milestones. for being able to jump and run and fall and to get up and try again. so grateful for health.  

try again, stand up and do it again. it does not matter if you are successful or not...just try! 

little polka-dot dresses... sweet girly legs who carries herself with such pride. 

be proud of yourself. YOU are awesome.

love...to be able to show and tell them every day how much i love them. teaching
them what love is through loving themselves.  yes,
loving yourself first. say it: 'i love myself'.

signs everywhere i go.  a daily reminder of what really is important in life. play more

leaves...grateful for leaves. to jump in. to throw up in the air. to watch them fall. leaves to keep for our nature table. in a country where there are no seasons, leaves are huge...
appreciate the seasons.

them. together. next to each other for more than a minute without one running away.

 (secret: give them ice-cream..heehee)...

  capture 'them'.

bedtime-stories & giggles* bella joins us for stories now in bed and then tries to fall asleep with us...not so successful.  she can lie for about 7 minutes and then she starts jumping around and giggling.... which means it's time to go back to her room...
be patient, embrace these giggles and stories... 

my little pout* she started to realise that she can tease me with that mouth...it instantly makes me want to kiss her from top to toe, and she knows that... teasing me with her little cute mouth...i want to eat her. 

nibble on them.

no routines*  we are quite good with no routines. saturdays are one of those days where everyone does what he feels like, as you can see in the photo...bella is eating chips for breakfast, on the floor... 

let go of routine/structure...

sibling love*  i think they are each other's favorite person.
capture their love...

 living in another country*  chinese new year celebrations... Gong Xi Fa Cai

magic* lights...millions and millions of lights that remind me to look for the magic... 

look for the magic... 

heat. humidity. summer all year round. love every minute of the heat.
appreciate your weather.

possibilities*  please pray with us as we enter the world of adoption again, opening our hearts and home for more children... we trust in God xx

this boy* he teaches me to live in the moment. to be here. now. he made me a mama. 

the most amazing thing on earth and how honored i am to raise him and have him call me mama. 

be here now. 

good luck* faith* clementines are a sign for good luck in the Chinese culture. during chinese new year everyone gifts clementines to everyone. good wishes. the chinese children receive a little envelope with some money in, which they get until the year they get married. the older ones especially loves that. 

believe in something. good luck for your year. believe in God. 

go grab a piece of paper, a journal, your computer... and write down your blessings... it is the little things..the smile..the running towards  you... the waking up and seeing the sun... hearing the rain drip on your roof... your dogs wet nose in your face... write each of them down and feel blessed.