crazy, happy get-togethers* (dreams coming true)

“I realized these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives..."
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

(christina & Michelle...this is for you! xx)

i've dreamed of this madness...of kids running around, noise, lots of it, in reality something that sounds like chaos, but it's such happiness!!! being with these people was crazy and loud and funny and not funny and tiring and exhilarating... it was kids crying and kids fighting and laughter that ended in tears, kids saying they are hungry and mom's looking at each other...silence... 'no, not serious', continuing the same conversation for the 10th time. it was a dream coming true.

i thrive and come alive with many kids around me... my heart expands and fills up all at once... it's crazy and bizarre...

it's hard too. and challenging. and 'i-don't-know-what-i'm-doing' hard, it's guessing and trusting and believing that you are teaching them the right things. it's repeating and reminding and smiling and praying for patience... reminding yourself in their moment of overwhelm 'be the parent, be the parent'... don't over-react'... breath out... hard i tell you.  to get that balance right... it's hard.

but i would not change one thing.... except having more kids :-)

everything. all of this. it's magic.

 “the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road
*dear christina & michelle,
thank you for being 'mad' with me and allowing me to be mad with you :-)
thanks for making me burn with desire to be the best mom for my kids!
you inspire me xx

re-entering*

friends of mine who attend retreats in america always talks about 're-entering' their lives after attending such said retreat.  it surely feels as if i'm re-entering kuala lumpur on an emotional level. 

yesterday was all about gratitude and love for our families and friends in south africa, of the opportunity  we were given to live overseas, of coming 'home' with all the photos and videos and memories of the most amazing 3 weeks spent in our country. of possibilities and even more opportunities that this year can hold for us. 

yesterday i was literally riding the wave of (emotional) joy and happiness. my heart was full. 

from left to right: my brother, willem, marcel (my husband), sue (my little sis), my dad and in the back 

Elizma (my sister-in-love). they bring out the best and worst of me..hehe... 

 cousins - instant connections 

 cousins in the bath

today, my heart is full.

but the emotions are different.  the gratitude is still there. the memories are overpowering good, but i put myself in a situation today where i had to be brave and step up for what i believe in and it felt like being brave was too hard to do.  i burst out in tears.  it was feelings of leaving my family and friends in south africa, of choosing to live so far away. of my children asking where their cousins and grand-parents are and we acting as if it is normal to live so far apart. feelings of getting back in routine, of being strong and brave and supporting my children where they can not. of raising them to be responsible, wild and free little ones within the cultural acceptance here in malaysia.

 marcel, chantal (sister-in-love), paul (brother-in-love) and me

 my father-in-love, photo taken 2am and he really wanted to sleep..hehe 

 my sweet mother-in-love... 

feelings of missing my mom and knowing that should i ever return to her home, the house we grew up in, there will be nothing of her. nothing. she now only lives in our memories. feelings of life that goes on for others and me who still want to hold onto her things... her clothes, her books... things that reminded me of her.  the only thing i could find of my mom (between everything that was going to be thrown away) was her wedding dress. i packed it in. it is here, with me in malaysia. sounds crazy. grief is crazy.  totally totally weird.

 bella and beth

having daddy with us every.single.day for 3 weeks... every minute of every day... nothing beats that!  

 my sister-in-love, Elizma

but all these emotions are true to my heart. i felt them. some days i still feel them.  some days they linger and stay for a while.  today was not the day to push them away and 'act' as if everything is fantastic. living overseas you sometime have to 'fake it till you make it'.  life is great. yes! we choose to make our life amazing and we live it to the fullest every.single.day.

ouma net and bella

but today, to be brave and far from the people that ground you and challenge you and fill your heart with joy, to realise you are here, and only you can make the choices as to how you are going to live this one and precious life, alone, was hard.

and then we go to bed.
we wake up tomorrow morning.
and a new day has begun xx

magic* (and a little bit on grieving infertility)

Last night we watched this movie and within 10 minutes of watching i burst out crying, deep, heavy crying of past hurt and sadness for their story.  

it's just a movie. a story of two people who tried everything to get pregnant and have children. but it did not happen. she went to the doctors, which gave them their fate - you will never be able to have your own children. that night, before 'moving on', the two of them sat on the couch and talked about what 'their kid would be like'. everything their kid would achieve and be. loved and be loved. then they realised it will just be that, dreams... wishes... they put them all in a box and buried the box in their backyard.  

many a night my husband and i sat dreaming and talking about what 'our children' one day will be like. we went into every detail.... what they would look like. how they would act towards other people... how we want our children to grow up to be kind and compassionate people with hearts so full of love, that they will change the world. we imagined how much joy they would bring to the world, how they would love life and everything about it. how much we would love them.  how we would never be able to imagine our lives without them... how our hearts would burst with love and joy all in once. 

for us, that too, was just dreams... wishes... because we were not destined to have our own children.  this movie took me (us) back into our infertility journey, slab dab right in the middle of our grief.  i cried like i have not cried in the past few years... the crying and tears coming from the depths of my soul. i did not realised that i can still cry about something i've cried for over 10years... 10 years of waiting and hoping and praying for a child... the never-ending hurting and sadness of not being able to have our own children. 

we went to bed talking about the beautiful children who lost their lives in the shooting on friday in connecticut... and the millions of children who will never know what it feels like to be loved, to have a mommy and a daddy, their own family, the millions of children who would never know what it feels like to be hugged and loved by 'their mommy and daddy', all the while watching our 2 beautiful children sleep.  our hearts aching for what we (thought) we could never have. the (gratitude and) magnitude of the one wish we had of being a mommy and a daddy, which God answered for us through the magic of adoption. 

we cried ourselves to sleep last night. my last thoughts were of the healing that is still taking place 5 years later after our prayer of becoming parents were answered... i told m3 

'healing is still taking place... God knew what He was doing'. 

breakfast in bed

playing doll in the tent

the magic of music and wanting to learn...

the magic of gratitude & little notes in little xmas trees

i had the most perfect moment on sunday... my aunt and godchild was sharing their creative juices with

some xmas magic... my (OUR) children were running around laughing and screaming... 

the magic of a little boy... Father Xmas came last night and 'forgot' one of his gifts on the table (because Father Xmas was testing it out..hehe.. ). this morning kellen saw it, asked about it and then when he wanted to show us, it just disappeared.  he left a note and picture of the gift to remind Father Xmas.  the note reads:  'Father Xmas, green ipad please'. :-)

the magic is every where... look around you... 

how many nights of despair and sadness were there. days of being angry with God for not responding. for not making one understand why? why not us? isn't that what You promised each of us in the Bible? what did i do wrong? make me understand this! you call out to God from the depths of your soul. you want to know..you NEED to know what the plan is He has for your life, because in the moments of despair and sadness, nothing, absolute nothing makes sense.

i wished and prayed for children even when i was not praying. i lived praying for them. holding onto God's promise for us.

He delivered. not the way we thought He would. our children did not come through us.

but He gave us our children through His love.

we are a mama and daddy, because of His love for us. and His love for them.

we will raise our children to know and love God, for He surely am the beginning and the end.

living in gratitude*

From the fullness of His grace we have all 

received one blessing after another.

~ John 1:16 ~

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when 

our hearts are conscious of our treasures." - Thornton Wilder

when i look into her eyes*

i loved her before i even met her. i had one photo of her and 2 days later after the excitement of the call i was staring at her in the only photo we had, looking for little things that can tell me more about who she is, when i realised how sad she looked. i burst out in tears. 

i wanted to pick her up and hold her. i wanted to tell her how much she is loved and wanted. i wanted to tell her how long we have waited for HER and how many prayers we've asked to get to her... how long it took to hold our baby in our arms... i wanted to rock her and sing her to sleep... i wanted to trace her little face with my finger and stare into her eyes and with my eyes, without one word, she would feel how much we loved her. 

the first night she slept in her own cot, with her mama and daddy right next to her, she did not wake. she slept for hours on end. we were waiting in the lounge for her to make a peep so that we 'have to' pick her up... but she didn't wake. with every movement i jumped up and ran to the room, to see that she is still sleeping. disappointed i turned around, because my mom said you don't wake a sleeping baby :-).  at 9 o'clock that evening she turned around and made a tiny sound, on which i ran to the room and i swooped her up in my arms and started talking to her... with the idea to wake her. i just couldn't wait any more.. i wanted to talk to my daughter. 

everything about that conversation was magical. 

it's one year later.  she is in awe of everything around her. her eyes lit up when she sees her daddy and every morning the first person she looks for and call is 'ba-ba' (boeta).. her brother.  when she sees her brother she gets a little jump in her feet as if she is getting ready for take-off. she totally adores him. he asked me the other day why she always follows him (and he is only 5....imagine when he is 10!)... the only answer i had for him is that he is her superhero. we are what her life is about.

on the evening of 22/08/11, she became a daughter, a sister, a daddy's girl, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend loved my many many people. she made our family rich and happy. we are the luckiest people alive that God chose us to parent this little beautiful girl.

today, i looked into her little eyes and i saw something different...a challenge, a 'i want to see what mama is going to do' look, and i knew it was just the beginning of this little brave girl for whom our social worker had to fight to get her place in our family. i saw determination to get what is hers and i saw adventure... 

today i saw her fierceness and passion to stand up for herself, i saw braveness and softness all at once. i saw a little girl who has changed so much since that first little photo... i see happiness. 

first time i saw my baby girl*

*this post had to be published on the 25th... i'm so in the moment of her being with us for a year, i couldn't resist.... but today, 22/08, our (baby) boy has been living with us for 4 years...post to come xx

we drove to the airport in silence, each with our own thoughts. 

we had no expectations. 

we were scared. uncertain. excited. frazzled. nervous. 

silent. 

thoughts of the past 12 years.  our journey of infertility.  the sadness. the hope. prayers said and we thought never answered. God's way. His timing. perfection. 

thinking of kellen and how all this is going to change him and his life... 

praying. 

for calm. connection. love. for kellen. 

praying that she will instantly know i'm her mama. 

we parked the car and walked into the airport. you could hear the constant talking of kellen. excited. uncertain. questions. we answered them. each one. 

we sat down. the plane has landed. we looked at each other, breathed a deep breath and waited.

i fiddled with my camera, did not know what to do.  

we got up and bought some cool drink. kellen wanted bubblegum (!!). we said yes!  why not? we are getting a baby! 

then we sat down on the cold hard chairs... in the front row... each with our own thoughts waiting for our baby girl. 

no expectation. only love.

then we saw them. first our social worker, with a big smile. she has been with us on this journey every step of the way. angel.  she is an angel.  i asked her that morning, when she held bella for the first time, to whisper in her ear that her mama already loves her and that i'm waiting for her on the other side. 

we stood up. pacing up and down (wanting to jump over the railings...), not sure what to do...

then she handed our baby girl over to us...
her mama held her first...
and she was beautiful!

i wanted to make eye-contact with her...
she was light and quiet...
it was unreal.

i was in awe. i didn't know what to say or do or even think.

totally overwhelmed.

filled with joy.
and gratitude.
l o v e for this little baby girl that i just met...

i'm going to be your mama...

i am your mama.
my heart filled with love for this baby girl that i don't even know, that is going to be my daughter.
the longing and need of the last 12 years for a baby, our baby, fell like a leave into the river of grief and drifted off in the sunset. 

'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful'

'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful'

'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful'

'thank you Jesus' xx

these were the only words constantly going through my mind and mouth... 'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful. thank you Jesus'

tonight, angels float in the sky (randomness)*

note:  my blogging has been sporadic due to this... 

but oh! how amazing is every.single.minute with them?! xx

so here are random things around here: 

1.  I'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 times: 

     once when it's told to me

     once when it's explained to me and

     once 5 minutes later when i finally understand it. 

      - unknown

yes, this is me :-) 

2.  I could do with this retreat, for many reasons, mostly because i.am.tired. reasons being: 

     a) going to bed too late

     b) getting my 2nd breath at 11pm at night...and then 'have to' go on until my inspiration runs out

     c) a teething baby girl

     d) when the kids sleep at 8pm.... it's my time.... which i treasure

     e) who wants to sleep when there is so many other things to do? 

PS: and then i saw they ran this retreat in 2011....hmmmm... a bit late to the party :) 

 3. i could do with sleep, because this is what our apartment looks like, seriously. every day. i clean up   after the kids went to bed. (so add that to my list above). (we are moving on Wednesday...again... so why worry now?) (the house looks like this because of 'handsfree mama' (note at the top))

4.  there is ALWAYS beauty... with seeing the beauty in our lives all around us, we don't get the time to pick up.... we have to treasure every tiny and big thing coming our way... 

5.  this is where we swim now. we moved (again!). the other apartments were fully booked and
now we have been living here for the past 3 weeks...it's awesome. lots and lots of trees (on the other side)

6.  he has become very independent. wants to dress himself and i try not to interfere, i try to guide...but not always successful. here we went to the shops and he wanted to 'move like mick jagger'. (say no more) (1 trainer and 1 skate)

7.  Tree Mori opened close to us... the most beautiful shop with delicious cakes... and art... foxes dancing off the walls...mmmmm....nourishing my poetic soul

8.  the boy's whole school. he loves it! we think the principal (and the school)  is awesome!

9.  we had a huge party, celebrating the queen's jubilee. it was 'awesome'.  being an international school, there were food from every country... weird and scary food... hehe... 

10.  w a s h i    t a p e ....  heart crumbling... i love xx

11. i cannot wait to take my canon and go for photo walks in this diverse and beautiful country... 

12.  she is light... she moves towards the light as if it is she, as if it is all she knows.

13.  heehee... we laugh most of the day.  

14.  he loves my iPhone and 'making me a gift because he loves me'...which was about 100 self-portraits

15. we are blessed to have made amazing friends last year when we were here.  two amazing women who befriended me and their children are the same age as kellen... we've been spending lots of time with them... in the swimming pool... have i told you that we love swimming? 

16.  these are the steps a restaurant...which have delicious food... but it's more about the friends and family...

17. this girl in the pink, in my pj's, with my kids (and husband)! she is my best friend... visiting us in malaysia... flew over to be with her godchild when she turned 1! a whole post about the girl in my pj's coming soon

'tonight, angels float in the sky'... what else is there to say except thank you for this beautiful life! 

gratitude*

Even after all this time, 

The sun never says to the earth, 

"You owe me." 

Look what happens with 

A love like that. 

It lights the whole sky.

- Hafiz of Persia

This past week has had all of us living in prayer...to whomever we(they) pray... because of the abduction/kidnapping of  Nayati, a 12-year old boy.  He has been found and is safe with his parents.  Everyone in the area distributed flyers with a photo of Nayati on, wherever we were driving to, as well as putting posters up in our car's windows. it was rather difficult to explain all of this to a little  5 year old boy, who understands enough, but not quite yet.  when i told him yesterday that nayati was found, he was jumping with joy. he got a big smile on his face and just asked if the boy is with his mommy again?  and since yesterday, whenever we say a prayer, he thanks God for looking after nayati. 

this past week made us re-think social media, photos of our children on blogs/facebook/internet... it made you wonder how sensitive we must be towards this... when you live so close to where he was abducted, you wonder...about their safety and if you are not exposing your children... i must admit i thought of closing my blog... to just journal our life for only them...

but here i am... grateful for ...
1.  family
2.  possibilities
3.  communities standing together to help find one of our own
4.  love
5.  healthy and happy children
6.  poetry
7.  swimming pools
8.  my husband...he is the most amazing man
9.  this moment
10. amazon + books + airfreight = magic

11. most of all i'm grateful that there are 4 little feet running through our house every single day
12. grateful that they call me mama xx

tips on living life (and playing catch-up)*

Let's start this post with a VERY HAPPY smile... 

Good day, my name is Lin and I'm trying to play catch up 

being a mama to 2 children, a wife to one husband (hehe), 

a business woman (to myself) and an entrepeneur (to prove to myself that i can really do it all). 

Then I'm not even speaking about my other parts...sister, friend, daughter, domestic goddess (!), 

lover of life (this is for my brother..hehe)... 

I've been wanting to sit down and take different events/days in our lives and write about it. And puff... it's February. I realised it is never going to happen, so instead I'm being honest with myself (and you) and am going to give you a peek into our lives these last few months.  Let's see... enjoy the ride and take note of the tips... (insert big smile here...) 

Smile to strangers, your husband, look your children in their eyes..and smile.... 

We've been living in 'happy'....giggles, laughter, a few tears (because my mom always says 

'van lekker lag kom lekker huil')... living in extreme love 

Watch the sun rise & listen how the world comes to life. 

We've been watching the sun rise...seeing that our little girl wakes up at 5:30.... but it was only a thing...the mama has found the trick... and now she is sleeping until 07:30...magical... 

we've been living the magic (happening) in our life...

Love every season.

We've been seeking out the blue skies of this absolute perfect summer! 

We've been outside, embracing the heat and loving every drop of sweat... 

Climb that mountain, come-on! you can do it! 

We've been climbing our own mountains.... Kellen started EC2 in his school, 

Bella is sitting and crawling.... for the adults...normal stuff like balancing the cheque book, 

balancing time with the family, sneeking in me-time :-) and trying to get more hours of sleep :-) 

Spend time with YOUR wife/husband & children. 

Family outings are as important as 'me-time'. With our beautiful weather we've been 

spending lots of time at the beach walking and playing and laughing...

treasuring every moment we have together.... 

Find love. 

Love find us everywhere! Every day, every hour.

We and 'Love' have became best friends. 

Be courageous & funny. 

To truly grow within ourselves, we have to face the daily challenges with 

courage and humor.  Hehe...in this photo Bella is tasting some new form of food... 

as you can see definitely not her favorite.... 

Go for a walk. Get out of your head.

Every day is a good day to go for a walk...make it beautiful.  

Look for the beauty in every step and treasure it... 

Challenge yourself... 

every.single.day. 

i dare you.

Be kind to yourself. 

Wrap yourself up in love...

Don't be so hard on yourself. 

You can try again tomorrow. 

Celebrate. 

for no reason. 

Get balloons, blow them up, play with them and then... 

then jump on them and burst it! 

Yell and giggle. 

Don't look too far ahead. 

Only focus on the now. 

Here, right here, is more than enough. 

Look for the beauty & say thank you.

There are 2 roads that I can drive to Kellen's school. 

I choose the 10minute longer one... 

for it's beauty... it reminds me that we live in the most beautiful country, 

i love the mountains, the winelands, the blue skies... 

i feel grateful & happy. 

Be innovative. 

Try new things. If you wonder about something, experiment and try something else. 

Don't just except an answer. Question and question some more. 

But keep in mind that sometimes the answer can just be: it is what it is.  

Surround yourself with people that inspire you.  Make a mess. Clean up. 

Spend time with friends that really 'sees you'.  

Have fun. Be honest. Open your home for them.

Look people in their eyes when they speak to you. It's good manners. 

Be proud of who you are.  

Pick strawberries. 

It's such fun. And so hot. 

You'll be grateful. With every bite into that delicious strawberry you will be so proud of yourself, 

for picking it yourself, for 'trying something new', for doing it. 

Exercise (or play on your bed). (hehe) 

Be different. 

Be courageous and try something new... 

the new hairstyle, the new dance style, that dress you always wanted to have...

go out and do it. Even if it means your brother has to encourage you all the way. 

Make a mess. 

Clean it, don't clean it. Stop trying to be so perfect. You have permission to 

let loose and do something outrageous! 

NOW is the perfect time. 

Don't wait for 'one day' to do something...if you hear the whisper... do it. 

Be proud of who you are. 

Lift your chinny-chin-chin (like Kellen would say)  and say loud and clear 

'I am ..... and I'm proud of who I am'. 

Get a different view/opinion. 

Sometimes you are in your head too much and your vision get blurred. 

It takes one person to give you a new perspective. 

It's great, try it. 

Surrender.

let someone take care of you.

you are so loved. 

Rest in the knowledge that you are love(d).

Love someone... love yourself.  

Stand in your power. 

know who you are. 

watch a sunset. 

embrace life.