bonding through adoption* the power of touch*

when bella came to live with us, she was nearly 3 months old. she lived with the most amazing people in a safe house in the eastern cape, where she was loved until she came to us. we did not know about her life, her birth, until 6 days before we picked her up.  

bella was such a good baby. slept continuously.  i remember wanting to wake her up so that i could hold her...hehe... i tried for 3 months to rock her to sleep with no success.  she would wriggle and cry and try to push me away, as soon as i put her in the cot, she would fall asleep.  (which, according to all the baby books, is perfect).  but as an adoptive mama, who have never had a little baby, you want to hold your baby...you want her to want to fall asleep in your arms.... 

i surrendered and counted my blessings and many a day sat next to her cot, watching her sleep...wishing for the day that she will fall asleep in my arms. 

about 5 months ago, we started to put bella with us in our bed just before bedtime.  we would all read a story together, sing some songs, talk about our day and then it usually is the big cuddle.  we've respected bella's need for no touch/space, also knowing how important it is to keep on touching her, continuously trying to cuddle. 

during her afternoon nap she will go lie right on the other side of the bed.  i've tried to keep contact, whether it is my fingers playing with her hair, my toes touching her toes, my arm on her arm... i would keep on touching, skin to skin, so that she can feel my presence, until she would shake my arm/foot off.

about 2 weeks ago she was quite unsettled and tried to lie as far as possible away from me.  should she have moved any further, she would have fallen off the bed.  this particular day, just after witnessing and taking this photo, my heart was literally breaking.  i just want to hold her and love her.  she refused any contact at all, started crying when i touched her, even with my toes.

i decided to let it go, lay down on my back and closed my eyes. prayed that she will soften this resistance for love.

i must have fallen asleep. when i opened my eyes a few minutes later, this was my view... my heart was beating faster and tears instantly ran down my cheeks.

the following week, i decided to ignore her, not even trying to touch her in any way and lay on my back with my eyes closed.  a few minutes later, she came to me and was laying like this... it's magical... you don't want to move... or breath... you want to pause that moment for ever and re-live how she came to cuddle on your shoulder.

i've been pushing my luck with her the last 2 months.  i can feel her energy when we go lie down and this specific day i just moved closer and closer... ended right here and she looked at me, turned the other way and fell asleep.

it is the most magical moments of all. being so close, without her resisting my love.

there are still days when i  have to give her her space. but you keep on trying.

kellen is our cuddler galore. he is always laying with one leg over both of us and touching our face.  although he is her hero, the cuddling thing, even with him, is sometimes too much for her.

i was talking with someone about this on which they replied and said that there were so many negative emotions surrounding her birth mom being pregnant with her, she is still protecting herself.

when i told them that she fell asleep in my arms, someone replied: aawww... she is allowing in all the love, she can now love you fully and let you love her fully back.

how true the above is, i will never know.  but i would never have thought that it would take nearly 2 years for us to get bella to cuddle with us before she falls asleep.  kellen came to live with us when he was 18 months old and grew up with a granddad that held him and tickled him constantly.  kellen slept with him in his bed and from the beginning he wanted to lie with us in bed. i would have never imagined, having a baby from 3 months old, being able to cuddle with her will only happen 2 years later.

there are no words to describe the joy and love these two bring into our lives.  adoption has so many layers of thoughts and feelings, experiences and not knowings.

"Touching is a beautiful, connecting, survival-oriented, 

heart-opening act, and we need to do more of it.  

In touching each other with love, we are really touching God'.  

        

 (The Power of Touch, Phyllis K. Davis, PH.D.)

tips on living the life you imagined*

Life is good. One can really live the life one imagined... it usually is in the day to day living that one realize 'aha! i have imagined a life so full and rich of love and this is it'.

many a night i've imagined how we walk in the rain.... go for walks in the rain... enjoy the rain on your skin.... feel the soft drops of love pitter patter on your skin...

many a night i 've imagined how my children develop en grow...we've been stretching and reaching to be our best selfs... we've been growing and making mistakes and laughing about them... but we always stand up and try again...

many a night i've imagined how we will talk about the beginning and the end of things/life....death is inevitable. it's a subject we talk about in our house. 'fish-fish' decided to move on... we had a funeral, there were some tears and lots of love...

many a night i've imagined how we would read together in bed.  try something new. late mornings in bed with a good good book... getting excited about new possibilities...

many a night i've imagined how our children get into bed with us for cuddles... morning cuddles... or is it more like midnight cuddles leading into morning cuddles...  oh how many a night did i dream about this.... 

many a night i've imagined how i will spend time with my children individually.... it's so important to spend time with each of our children separately.  with kellen it is easy.. he wants to go to a coffee shop, have a doughnut and a juice and chat...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to feed my children healthy and nutritious meals....this girl loves meat, she sure knows how to eat a piece of chicken.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to take good care of their bodies... brushing teeth is a fun and playful thing in our house... we walk around and dance and hum while we take care of our teeth.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my little ones to make friends... to be gentle and kind...

many a night i've imagined how my babies are going to sit on my lap and we are going to swing into the sunset...

many a night i've imagined how i take my children to the park...how they cycle and climb and slide... magic...

may a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach them about safety... no problem. you just don't allow anything else than being safe...hehe...

many a night i've imagined how we are traveling the world... how i teach my children that they have the world at their feet... opportunities to expand their worlds... to spread their wings and to fly...

many a night i've imagined how sometimes we will do things we are not proud off or happy about... we try something new that didn't quite work out the way we imagined... we cry, we forgive (ourselves) and we move on... that is what life is about... your try out everything and you do those that make your heart sing!

many a night i've imagined our children being goofy, funny and wild, i've imagined them being kind and soft and caring...

many a night i've imagined how i will stand over their bed/cot and watch them sleep.... these moments, watching them is sleep, are some of the most precious and dear to my heart...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to stand in their light and be proud of themselves.

many a night i've imagined how we go on picnics with treasured friends in beautiful gardens with fountains and geese and ice-cream...

many a night i've imagined my children being creative and free... this designer at the south sea restaurant is just that.  this is in the gents bathroom, kellen is taking a wee and that is their view...brilliant!

many a night i've imagined this life i'm living, not feeling as if it is ever going to happen. the waiting was so hard, the not understanding so not understandable...

but here we are. 10 years later and we are living the life we always imagined.

YOUR dreams are coming true as we speak xx

1st day in year 1*

yesterday was his first day in year 1.  

a new teacher and new friends... he wanted to know if I'm going to go with him to his class and stay a little while.

when he got up at 7am (!!! we slept until 9am every day for the last 7 weeks of holiday!) he giggled, looked at me and said: 'mamma, you wish you were me who could go to school today, but you can't go, because you are too big'.  

on monday evening we had a 'back-to-school celebration'. i cooked his favorite dinner and he could have his dessert first. he was quite chuffed with himself.  he was giggling through out the dinner. 

i made this crown for him, which we will do yearly and spoke about our motto for the year, 

daring greatly. to be in a different country, in a new school year, speaking a second language can be quite daunting.  so we are daring greatly, staying positive and making the best of every chance we get. 

yes, he wants to make cars when he is big. it changed in the last week from doing what his daddy does, to the 'best soccer man there is', to making cars.  this was the one he chose this morning...hehe... 

it's still a bit surreal that our 'little' boy is in big school, going to learn to read and write this year... my heart was beating a bit faster today and i wished i could have stayed there and just observe... 

he had a great day.  when i picked him up, he ran to me and held me a few minutes longer than he usually does... which reminded me that he is just a little boy.

i made a crown for his little sister as well, but as you can see she was nowhere to be seen as she was climbing on the couch, and the chairs, and the table and the steps... (and took a bite out of the crown)... she is going to move mountains... hehe...