silliness & nap time*

every afternoon, monday to friday, i pick her up from her play school. we usually have fresh watermelon on the floor in the kitchen, talking about her morning.  then we go up to our bedroom for nap time.

for the first 2 years of her little life of 29 and a half months, she preferred to sleep in her cot, without anybody touching her or sitting with her.  at the beginning of this year, we decided to start putting her in our bed for story time, cuddles and some giggles before going to sleep.  (we've been doing this with kellen since he came to live with us).

this little video above is a perfect example of....

pure joy!
full hearts!
happiness!
silliness!

what love can do.  persistence and keep on trying. routines staying the same to accommodate our children. keep on touching and cuddling and kissing them. hug them tightly even if they don't like it. when they pull back or roll away, stretch your leg out and touch their feet, put your arm out, and stroke their back.. even if they push away again, don't get up. stay there.  it hurst, but keep on trying.

(in the adoption circles the professionals talk about reactive attachment disorder (RAD)... you can read more about that here.  )

today, this last 2 weeks, she has been asking 'mama arm lie'. which in our books are huge steps for her.  she falls asleep with her head on my arm, sometimes my shoulder and it is the most amazing feeling. her wanting to be close to me. her wanting to touch her mama before she falls asleep. pure m a g i c .

i told some new friends yesterday that if we stay in the moment, right here, right now, and concentrate on what is really important now, we will be happy.  happiness will come out in the form of giggles and joy and full hearts and little girls who is trying everything not to sleep, entertaining their mama's.

she prays for us too*

the friday evening our social worker phoned us to ask when we can pick her up, i just came back from a two hour massage.

a two hour massage, where, when i went to lie down, i cried.

i cried to God. about us not being able to 'just get another child'. i didn't care if we did not get pregnant, why couldn't people who want to adopt children, not 'just get a child'.  (i know about all the legal things. trust me, i do).  but this night, i wondered and asked God and wanted to know why we could not just get another child. this not knowing. the hoping and trusting and wanting to believe, but you don't know how long you can still 'hold on'.  it's endless. it breaks your heart. every moment you have to hold on and cling to the promise that your baby is on her/his way, every new morning you get up, you hold on some more, but your heart breaks a little bit more too.

it usually takes me about 20 minutes to relax into the massage...
i remember crying, praying...
and then total surrender.

total surrender

i remember telling Him that i cannot do this anymore. i cannot hold on and believe that our baby is on his/her way. i'm tired.

i remember thinking 'i don't know what to do anymore, i surrender. totally and wholeheartedly, i surrender. He must do what He wants to do. i can't do this anymore'.

i closed my eyes and relaxed into the massage, with an indescribable sadness lingering within.

2,5 hours later she phoned. and she asked: 'when can you be back in south africa to pick up your little girl?'

just like that. today i can say just like that. returning to the waiting, especially now, being within the waiting again, it's heart wrenching.  it's playing with your emotions daily, trying to stay in the present and make each moment count with the people around you.

but

you do hold onto that hope.
you trust. big time. not just because you need Him. you trust because He is the truth, the way.
you believe that He has big plans for your life.
you know that He wants only good things for your life and
you feel your other children is out there, waiting for you.

you can feel it.

we prayed for years for our little girl too.  in october 2010 i wrote a letter to 'our beautiful baby' under a tree in the shade, not even knowing that she was on her way.  already growing in her birth mama's tummy.

but i could feel her in my heart.

she won't go to sleep at night before we did not pray. and it is kneeling-down-on-your-knees, hands-together-praying. 

she prays:
'................ (insert mumbles of sounds here)... pappa'
'.................(insert mumbles of sounds here)...mamma'
'.................(insert mumbles of sounds here)...boeta'
'..................(insert mumbles of sounds here)...whobin' (robin)
'..................(inserts mumbles of sounds here)...ferris.....timo.....nana (her best friends and their mama)
AAAAAAAAAAAA-men!

this is for YOU who are still waiting and trying to be called 'mama'*

dear You-who-are-waiting-to-be-called-a-mama, 

i know about the empty feeling of not being able to get pregnant. 

i know about the fear of 'will it ever happen'. 

i know about the constant thoughts of 'maybe this month'.

i know about the continues trying and making it fun part. 

i know about the not knowing. 

i know about it being not fun anymore. 

i know about the 'what if i never get pregnant'. 

i know about the dreams that he and you talk about until the wee hours of the night. 

i know about the names that you have already chosen. 

i know about the talks you have about whose lips and eyes your baby is going to have. 

i know about the giggles of what you want your baby to be like. 

i know about the hope you have for your baby's future.

i know about the room that you have already set up in your mind.

i know about the million times you walked into a baby store to just look... look at what you will buy 'if'.

i know about the friend you know for 'whose baby you can buy this'.

i know about the overwhelm & tears when you stand with your friends' baby's gift in your arms, wanting with everything in you to buy it for YOUR baby...

i know how you throw the clothes down, tears streaming down your face, and run out of the shop.

i know how this happens more than once. 

i know about the hope of treatment, ivf, icsi, clomid, you name it...about all the options. 

i know about donors and surrogates. 

i know about all the advise family and friends so freely give. 

and do i know about the 'just wait until you don't think about it, and before you know it, you will be pregnant'. 

i know about the invasive procedures of (in)fertility treatment. 

i know all about 'hope'. the 'gift' of a baby at the end of the emotional roller coaster. 

i know of the 25% success rate with these procedures and all i see on the walls are the photos of the babies that were born within that 25%.

i also know about the unknown. 

i know about the fear when you go for your first implant. 

i know about the support group number on the wall and the thinking 'i'm not that desperate'. 

i know about the not knowing what to expect. 

i know about the shyness of putting on the gown and going into a room full of strangers.

i know about acting as if this is no big deal. 

i know about the knowing that you have absolute no idea what to expect. 

i know how scared you are. 

i know how unfair this is. 

i know how angry you are. 

i know about every single time you speak with God and how you want to curse Him for making you one of them. 

i know about the endless injections and medicine. 

i know about the keeping it together emotionally. 

i know about your husband trying everything to 'take care' of you just in case you fall apart. 

i know about the fear of every injection. 

i know about the thoughts of 'i can do this, we are going to have a baby, this is nothing - thoughts'. 

i know about getting up at 7am to go to your neighbor (who is a nurse), to give you said injection. 

i know about smiling and being brave, where all you want to do is cry! 

i know about the waiting. 

i know about the devastation of dreams shattered when you hear 'your test is negative'.

sweet one who is already a mama in her heart, 

i also know about adoption and miracles and 'meant to be'. 

i know about the perfect time. 

i know about God being in control of our life plan. 

i know what it is to be called 'mama'. 

i know how sad one feels on mother's day when you've been trying every.thing.to.get.pregnant.and.it.is.not.happening. 

i know how you are pretending that special days like today don't upset you. 

i know how you concentrate on your own mom and shrug your own motherhood off as if a fleeting thought. 

i know how you think about motherhood every.single.minute.of.every.day.

this series of 'i know letters' is written for you. 

in honor of you. 

mothers'day, may 2013

bella, me & kellen

 this can be your story too. 

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” 

― Rumi

bonding through adoption* the power of touch*

when bella came to live with us, she was nearly 3 months old. she lived with the most amazing people in a safe house in the eastern cape, where she was loved until she came to us. we did not know about her life, her birth, until 6 days before we picked her up.  

bella was such a good baby. slept continuously.  i remember wanting to wake her up so that i could hold her...hehe... i tried for 3 months to rock her to sleep with no success.  she would wriggle and cry and try to push me away, as soon as i put her in the cot, she would fall asleep.  (which, according to all the baby books, is perfect).  but as an adoptive mama, who have never had a little baby, you want to hold your baby...you want her to want to fall asleep in your arms.... 

i surrendered and counted my blessings and many a day sat next to her cot, watching her sleep...wishing for the day that she will fall asleep in my arms. 

about 5 months ago, we started to put bella with us in our bed just before bedtime.  we would all read a story together, sing some songs, talk about our day and then it usually is the big cuddle.  we've respected bella's need for no touch/space, also knowing how important it is to keep on touching her, continuously trying to cuddle. 

during her afternoon nap she will go lie right on the other side of the bed.  i've tried to keep contact, whether it is my fingers playing with her hair, my toes touching her toes, my arm on her arm... i would keep on touching, skin to skin, so that she can feel my presence, until she would shake my arm/foot off.

about 2 weeks ago she was quite unsettled and tried to lie as far as possible away from me.  should she have moved any further, she would have fallen off the bed.  this particular day, just after witnessing and taking this photo, my heart was literally breaking.  i just want to hold her and love her.  she refused any contact at all, started crying when i touched her, even with my toes.

i decided to let it go, lay down on my back and closed my eyes. prayed that she will soften this resistance for love.

i must have fallen asleep. when i opened my eyes a few minutes later, this was my view... my heart was beating faster and tears instantly ran down my cheeks.

the following week, i decided to ignore her, not even trying to touch her in any way and lay on my back with my eyes closed.  a few minutes later, she came to me and was laying like this... it's magical... you don't want to move... or breath... you want to pause that moment for ever and re-live how she came to cuddle on your shoulder.

i've been pushing my luck with her the last 2 months.  i can feel her energy when we go lie down and this specific day i just moved closer and closer... ended right here and she looked at me, turned the other way and fell asleep.

it is the most magical moments of all. being so close, without her resisting my love.

there are still days when i  have to give her her space. but you keep on trying.

kellen is our cuddler galore. he is always laying with one leg over both of us and touching our face.  although he is her hero, the cuddling thing, even with him, is sometimes too much for her.

i was talking with someone about this on which they replied and said that there were so many negative emotions surrounding her birth mom being pregnant with her, she is still protecting herself.

when i told them that she fell asleep in my arms, someone replied: aawww... she is allowing in all the love, she can now love you fully and let you love her fully back.

how true the above is, i will never know.  but i would never have thought that it would take nearly 2 years for us to get bella to cuddle with us before she falls asleep.  kellen came to live with us when he was 18 months old and grew up with a granddad that held him and tickled him constantly.  kellen slept with him in his bed and from the beginning he wanted to lie with us in bed. i would have never imagined, having a baby from 3 months old, being able to cuddle with her will only happen 2 years later.

there are no words to describe the joy and love these two bring into our lives.  adoption has so many layers of thoughts and feelings, experiences and not knowings.

"Touching is a beautiful, connecting, survival-oriented, 

heart-opening act, and we need to do more of it.  

In touching each other with love, we are really touching God'.  

        

 (The Power of Touch, Phyllis K. Davis, PH.D.)