when i look into her eyes*

i loved her before i even met her. i had one photo of her and 2 days later after the excitement of the call i was staring at her in the only photo we had, looking for little things that can tell me more about who she is, when i realised how sad she looked. i burst out in tears. 

i wanted to pick her up and hold her. i wanted to tell her how much she is loved and wanted. i wanted to tell her how long we have waited for HER and how many prayers we've asked to get to her... how long it took to hold our baby in our arms... i wanted to rock her and sing her to sleep... i wanted to trace her little face with my finger and stare into her eyes and with my eyes, without one word, she would feel how much we loved her. 

the first night she slept in her own cot, with her mama and daddy right next to her, she did not wake. she slept for hours on end. we were waiting in the lounge for her to make a peep so that we 'have to' pick her up... but she didn't wake. with every movement i jumped up and ran to the room, to see that she is still sleeping. disappointed i turned around, because my mom said you don't wake a sleeping baby :-).  at 9 o'clock that evening she turned around and made a tiny sound, on which i ran to the room and i swooped her up in my arms and started talking to her... with the idea to wake her. i just couldn't wait any more.. i wanted to talk to my daughter. 

everything about that conversation was magical. 

it's one year later.  she is in awe of everything around her. her eyes lit up when she sees her daddy and every morning the first person she looks for and call is 'ba-ba' (boeta).. her brother.  when she sees her brother she gets a little jump in her feet as if she is getting ready for take-off. she totally adores him. he asked me the other day why she always follows him (and he is only 5....imagine when he is 10!)... the only answer i had for him is that he is her superhero. we are what her life is about.

on the evening of 22/08/11, she became a daughter, a sister, a daddy's girl, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend loved my many many people. she made our family rich and happy. we are the luckiest people alive that God chose us to parent this little beautiful girl.

today, i looked into her little eyes and i saw something different...a challenge, a 'i want to see what mama is going to do' look, and i knew it was just the beginning of this little brave girl for whom our social worker had to fight to get her place in our family. i saw determination to get what is hers and i saw adventure... 

today i saw her fierceness and passion to stand up for herself, i saw braveness and softness all at once. i saw a little girl who has changed so much since that first little photo... i see happiness. 

'the' call*

today a year ago, i went for a 2 hour massage. i was sad and found myself walking into baby shops all the time. i would look at everything i would buy, 'should i have a baby'. then i would choose some things for friends' babies to get totally overwhelmed.  i would leave everything just there and leave the shop.  this specific day, overwhelmed did not come close to what i was feeling.  i couldn't understand why some people could just add to their families by deciding to get pregnant, get pregnant and 9 months later they had a baby.  i  was not even jealous of them... just so sad that we cannot do the same. so i went for a massage and just before the lady started i prayed to God and totally surrendered. i told Him i give up. i don't understand any of this and i'm so tired of trying to make sense of it. i surrender.  i know He knows better for us, but i'm not in this any more.  i remember clearly thinking 'whatever'...thinking that this was the end of our road to have more children.

2 hours later as i was walking into our apartment in kuala lumpur, marcel said: 'lin, here is a text message for you'.  you should phone back immediately.

i was still so overwhelmed by our loss of not being able to naturally 'just conceive', sad because i surrendered and i wanted to embrace and feel this loss that i've been carrying with me for so many years; all that i really wanted to do was take a bath and go to sleep.

but i phoned.

'how soon can you be back in south africa? i'm flying on monday to pick up your baby daughter'. 

that evening we changed our return flights to that tuesday (it was friday), and on the thursday we picked up our baby girl at the airport in cape town, south africa.

today, a year ago, we got 'the call' that any prospective adopting parent waits for... today a year ago our family grew from 3 to 4 and we got our baby girl.

the only other information we got was that she is beautiful and nearly 3 months old.  after we said our goodbyes the first thought i had was 'what is her name?" so i phoned the social worker again and her answer was... i could hear the smile through the distance... 'bella'.

that night i could not fall asleep. our social worker sent us a photo of our baby girl and she was beautiful.  i saw her sweet face all the time and could not get out of my  mind how sad she looked in the photos. i wanted to cry. i wanted to scoop her up into my arms and hold her tight, i wanted to hug her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear... i wanted her to know she has a mama, a mama and a daddy that loves her with everything in us... i wanted her to know that she is loved. and wanted. and treasured. i wanted her to know in that moment how much we loved her.

i had a dream that night... it felt as if i 'connected' with her and that she knew we were on our way... it was surreal and real and i got this feeling that she knew i was her mama... even though we have not met.

she knew.

today, a year ago, our hearts were filled with love for a little brown-eyed curly hair girl who is feisty and wild. the day i held her for the first time, my whole heart was filled.  that feeling of 'longing and need to hold our baby' was exchange with a feeling of disbelieve, of magical dreams coming true, of prayers answered, of God knowing our hearts and who's timing is perfect.

a year ago the universe gave birth to our baby girl, bella xx