crazy, happy get-togethers* (dreams coming true)

“I realized these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives..."
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

(christina & Michelle...this is for you! xx)

i've dreamed of this madness...of kids running around, noise, lots of it, in reality something that sounds like chaos, but it's such happiness!!! being with these people was crazy and loud and funny and not funny and tiring and exhilarating... it was kids crying and kids fighting and laughter that ended in tears, kids saying they are hungry and mom's looking at each other...silence... 'no, not serious', continuing the same conversation for the 10th time. it was a dream coming true.

i thrive and come alive with many kids around me... my heart expands and fills up all at once... it's crazy and bizarre...

it's hard too. and challenging. and 'i-don't-know-what-i'm-doing' hard, it's guessing and trusting and believing that you are teaching them the right things. it's repeating and reminding and smiling and praying for patience... reminding yourself in their moment of overwhelm 'be the parent, be the parent'... don't over-react'... breath out... hard i tell you.  to get that balance right... it's hard.

but i would not change one thing.... except having more kids :-)

everything. all of this. it's magic.

 “the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road
*dear christina & michelle,
thank you for being 'mad' with me and allowing me to be mad with you :-)
thanks for making me burn with desire to be the best mom for my kids!
you inspire me xx

dear birth mom, i've had you on my mind*

dear birth mom of this beautiful little girl, 

i've had you on my mind since the week before her birth day.  i've been wondering about you...where you are, what you are doing, if you are thinking about her, about us. having you in my thoughts all the time. 

usually i try not to think about you too much, because 'we want to move on with our life' have a 'normal' life, not always thinking about adoption, but it is impossible. every milestone this little one achieve, i think of you. whenever she has a melt down, i think of you... wondering if you would have giggled with me looking at this scene unfolding in front of us. i think of you when she laughs and run and turn around and look at me and laughs some more... and i have an instant feeling of gratitude in my heart for you... that you were born to birth this beautiful girl into our lives. 

the very first photo taken of her when she arrived at the Breath of Life house

thank you so much for giving birth in a hospital. she was taken to the breath of life house where she was loved and cuddled for 3 months before she came home.  the people at this house is amazing.  when we picked her up, she had a suitcase full of clothes, a box with the clothes she is wearing in the photo, a  book with photos in and her little life story of the first 3 months of her life. they also gave us a book filled with letters from everyone who looked after, held, prayed and played with her. we felt so blessed to have something of the first 3 months of her life.  

two nights ago i started her birth photo book and got the photos on the cd out that we received in the box.  i've never looked at them.  about 70 photos of the first moments of her life that was recorded on film. her first recorded bath, women holding her and feeding her in the middle of the night, her laying next to two other little babies who came to the home with her.. who i think of so often.  i went down stairs to show these photos to her daddy and we both sat on the couch, looking at the photos, tears streaming down our faces...no words. just sadness for the beginning of her life in the way it began. she needed to be held and loved from the very first moment she came into this world.  i want to believe that you too loved her from that very moment...  that you would give anything to see her grow up and be the best of who she is.   

she has this routine in the morning when she wakes up to call either 'mama' or 'pappa'. we will pick her up and put her in bed with us. she immediately takes her daddy's phone to watch the video's on it of her when she was baby. it's so sweet, she mimics everything the baby is doing in the video and then she giggles.

a few days ago she kept on asking and showing to something in one of the videos. she was laying under a little blanket that she got as a gift. i've kept the blanket and gave it to her.  the joy of receiving that blanket is indescribable.  when she have a nap or goes to bed at night, her first words are 'bers'.  (short for blanket in afrikaans).

i captured this photo of her this morning.  i saw this one and a deep sadness settled in my heart.  her eyes, the way she was holding the blanket...but more the look in her eyes... reminded me of her story. of you giving birth to her, you choosing a closed adoption.  her going to a house of safety. her being loved and comforted by strangers who has now become family, and her coming home.

i guess with adoption there is always the bittersweet moments.

and then...

then i look at this face every.single.morning and i thank God for her.  i thank God for choosing us to parent her and raise her. i thank God for her health and the joy that comes forth from her every big and small gesture. i thank God for her spirit, that is resilient and strong, for her confidence and that she knows how to show love. i thank God every single day for this little human being and that she did come to earth, because she is going to change the world.

thank you Birth mama, for birthing this gift into the world!

dear birth mama of this gorgeous little girl*

dear birth mama, 

i wish i could sit across from you today to look you into your eyes, to touch your hand and thank you from the bottom of my heart. to thank you for giving me this opportunity to mother this little girl into her life. 

i wish i could thank you for carrying her for 9 months, thank you for taking good care of yourself so that we today, have a healthy, well-developed little spunky (courageous and determined:) girl. i wish i could thank you for caring enough to have her at a hospital and for making the decision to have her adopted.  

i wish i could speak with you and hear your story... who you are and what makes your heart flutter... i wish i could hear the dreams you had/have for her. i wish i could see the 'connection between you and her... the traits that you and she share... i wish i could give that too to her one day. to be able to know the woman who carried her and brought her into the world. 

i wish i had photos of you and her. i know somewhere there must have been, if just for a moment, so much love for this little girl of yours... i wish i could show that love to her... 

i wish i knew that you were ok. i wish you could tell me that you pray for her too. that you think of her every moment of every day.  i wish i could hear how you dream of her and what those dreams are you have for her. 

i wish i could send you photos of her swinging...that is her most favorite thing to do these last few weeks.  we go to the park, she runs to the swing singing weeeeeeeee.... then she looks at me and say 'push' with a smile that melts my heart. 

i wish i could show you how she plays with her dolls. how she naturally comforts her 'bebe', feed them and kisses them. i wish i could show you how she speaks with them... telling them little stories which always ends in her cuddling them. 

i wish you could see how much she adores her brother... how when she opens her eyes in the morning, she looks around, stretch and calls 'boeta'.  then she runs to our room, calling 'pappa pappa', looking at me with that beautiful smile of hers. 

i wish you could see how strong and courageous she is. how daring and wild. how she easily warms up to people and how stubborn she can be to get her way. i wish you could see how much she enjoys playing in the water. she never used to love sand, and the past few months when she sees the sea, she calls me and say 'sea, jump'.  i wish you could see how she sits for minutes and look at every little shell on the beach.. how she picks it up and calls mama, look! that smile of adoration of realising she just got a treasure... pure joy! 

i feel blessed and overwhelmed all at once. i'm thankful that you chose her name. that you gave her a name that she can carry with pride.  i'm thankful that she will know about her first mama one day.  i'm thankful that she is healthy and alert.  i'm thankful that she is determined and strong-willed, thankful that she knows what she wants. i'm  thankful that she believes in herself, that she is daring and wild. i'm thankful that she loves easily and is loved by so many. i'm thankful that she will be carrier of love, that she will change our world with her being. 

she has changed our world the moment we heard 'when can you pick up your daughter'.  

i'm thankful for you.  

thank you for carrying and birthing this little wonder into the world! 

happiest of birth days to you Bella, we love you to the moon and back xx