silliness & nap time*

every afternoon, monday to friday, i pick her up from her play school. we usually have fresh watermelon on the floor in the kitchen, talking about her morning.  then we go up to our bedroom for nap time.

for the first 2 years of her little life of 29 and a half months, she preferred to sleep in her cot, without anybody touching her or sitting with her.  at the beginning of this year, we decided to start putting her in our bed for story time, cuddles and some giggles before going to sleep.  (we've been doing this with kellen since he came to live with us).

this little video above is a perfect example of....

pure joy!
full hearts!
happiness!
silliness!

what love can do.  persistence and keep on trying. routines staying the same to accommodate our children. keep on touching and cuddling and kissing them. hug them tightly even if they don't like it. when they pull back or roll away, stretch your leg out and touch their feet, put your arm out, and stroke their back.. even if they push away again, don't get up. stay there.  it hurst, but keep on trying.

(in the adoption circles the professionals talk about reactive attachment disorder (RAD)... you can read more about that here.  )

today, this last 2 weeks, she has been asking 'mama arm lie'. which in our books are huge steps for her.  she falls asleep with her head on my arm, sometimes my shoulder and it is the most amazing feeling. her wanting to be close to me. her wanting to touch her mama before she falls asleep. pure m a g i c .

i told some new friends yesterday that if we stay in the moment, right here, right now, and concentrate on what is really important now, we will be happy.  happiness will come out in the form of giggles and joy and full hearts and little girls who is trying everything not to sleep, entertaining their mama's.

magic* (and a little bit on grieving infertility)

Last night we watched this movie and within 10 minutes of watching i burst out crying, deep, heavy crying of past hurt and sadness for their story.  

it's just a movie. a story of two people who tried everything to get pregnant and have children. but it did not happen. she went to the doctors, which gave them their fate - you will never be able to have your own children. that night, before 'moving on', the two of them sat on the couch and talked about what 'their kid would be like'. everything their kid would achieve and be. loved and be loved. then they realised it will just be that, dreams... wishes... they put them all in a box and buried the box in their backyard.  

many a night my husband and i sat dreaming and talking about what 'our children' one day will be like. we went into every detail.... what they would look like. how they would act towards other people... how we want our children to grow up to be kind and compassionate people with hearts so full of love, that they will change the world. we imagined how much joy they would bring to the world, how they would love life and everything about it. how much we would love them.  how we would never be able to imagine our lives without them... how our hearts would burst with love and joy all in once. 

for us, that too, was just dreams... wishes... because we were not destined to have our own children.  this movie took me (us) back into our infertility journey, slab dab right in the middle of our grief.  i cried like i have not cried in the past few years... the crying and tears coming from the depths of my soul. i did not realised that i can still cry about something i've cried for over 10years... 10 years of waiting and hoping and praying for a child... the never-ending hurting and sadness of not being able to have our own children. 

we went to bed talking about the beautiful children who lost their lives in the shooting on friday in connecticut... and the millions of children who will never know what it feels like to be loved, to have a mommy and a daddy, their own family, the millions of children who would never know what it feels like to be hugged and loved by 'their mommy and daddy', all the while watching our 2 beautiful children sleep.  our hearts aching for what we (thought) we could never have. the (gratitude and) magnitude of the one wish we had of being a mommy and a daddy, which God answered for us through the magic of adoption. 

we cried ourselves to sleep last night. my last thoughts were of the healing that is still taking place 5 years later after our prayer of becoming parents were answered... i told m3 

'healing is still taking place... God knew what He was doing'. 

breakfast in bed

playing doll in the tent

the magic of music and wanting to learn...

the magic of gratitude & little notes in little xmas trees

i had the most perfect moment on sunday... my aunt and godchild was sharing their creative juices with

some xmas magic... my (OUR) children were running around laughing and screaming... 

the magic of a little boy... Father Xmas came last night and 'forgot' one of his gifts on the table (because Father Xmas was testing it out..hehe.. ). this morning kellen saw it, asked about it and then when he wanted to show us, it just disappeared.  he left a note and picture of the gift to remind Father Xmas.  the note reads:  'Father Xmas, green ipad please'. :-)

the magic is every where... look around you... 

how many nights of despair and sadness were there. days of being angry with God for not responding. for not making one understand why? why not us? isn't that what You promised each of us in the Bible? what did i do wrong? make me understand this! you call out to God from the depths of your soul. you want to know..you NEED to know what the plan is He has for your life, because in the moments of despair and sadness, nothing, absolute nothing makes sense.

i wished and prayed for children even when i was not praying. i lived praying for them. holding onto God's promise for us.

He delivered. not the way we thought He would. our children did not come through us.

but He gave us our children through His love.

we are a mama and daddy, because of His love for us. and His love for them.

we will raise our children to know and love God, for He surely am the beginning and the end.

this amazing life!

in the blogging world it becomes a topic once in a year as to why one blog? for me it is to 'connect', to not feel lonely in a different country and to keep a record of our life for my children one day. yes, also for family and friends to see what we've been up to, but mostly i love to write, and this blog is a space where i can sit down and share... i've been absent although not absent minded... i've been enjoying this amazing life of ours! 

our godchild arrived 3 weeks ago, staying for 3 months. my heart is sooooo full, my time is limited and all we do is giggle and laugh and talk and exercise (hehe...) and giggle some more. 

i thought it only rained when you barbecue in the UK? hehe... forgot about the thunderstorms and monsoon season here in KL.  It is beautiful... and hot.. and the rain is warm and refreshing.  we were invited for a barbecue today... and then it rained.  we will not be stopped...hehe... we were soaking wet but had such fun in the rain. the kids were running around and swimming and playing... for about an hour... before we went up to the apartment.  

when one stays in your neighborhood you tend to forget how much other beautiful places there are around you. my friend stays on the 39th floor of their building and the swimming pool is on the 1st level... which looks out over the whole of mont kiara... it's beautiful..

 and this girl? she is funny and loving and kind and quiet... she is strong and beautiful. she knows what she wants in life. she is brave and adventurous and open for change. she is soft hearted and love(d).
she fills my heart like one of my own children and she sees me. she knows me. she knows my heart. she makes me want to be the best human being i can possible be. this beautiful girl has my heart xx

1st time we saw bella*

this is the photo our social worker sent us after phoning us about bella*

tip(s) on feeling JOY*

open your heart and watch this...

The event was sponsord by Spain’s Banco Sabadell. Featuring Vallès Symphony Orchestra, the choirs of Lieder and Friends of l’Opera and the Choral Belles Arts. It's conducted by Josef Vila Casaña

truth is patience*

this is the most beautiful little soul of a friend of mine... a friend who waited with me, (only 10 years longer than us) to have her own little miracle. 'magically' 2 months after we got bella, she got her little angel. she (the baby) is funny, calm, sweet, sleep through the night... she seems like an old soul... looking at you as if she knows things you don't, just like my two.  i guess it is about their history. how their stories were intertwined with ours... how a Higher hand decided this is how it is going to be... we are so lucky... so blessed...

today two companies came to give us quotes for our move.  they start packing tuesday, 10/04/12. we fly to malaysia on tuesday, 17/04. how do i feel? i think it struck me yesterday that we are moving countries. trying to stay 'calm' and together these last few months. i took a photo that says 'happiness is an inside job'... and asked 'where does patience live'.  an amazing friend & mama 4 wrote back... 'in the NOW'.  powerful stuff.

it's like watching this little baby. looking at you.... looking away... and you can see she is thinking something... wow!

in the now. here. now. 12h50am. tired. ready to go. but first we are going to do some easter egg hunting this weekend. we'll have to be very sly as kellen said: 'i want to catch that bunny, and then i'm going to pull of his head, because i know it is a real human underneath'.

it's amazing how things work out the way it is suppose to. my friend and i sitting on the kitchen floor with a cup of tea, feeding our babies... i still get excited just thinking about that sentence... a baby cries... we look at each other and say: 'it's your baby, that is not my baby's cry'... magical... being in the moment, in the now, Jenica! that's patience! (thank you!) xx

tips on living life (and playing catch-up)*

Let's start this post with a VERY HAPPY smile... 

Good day, my name is Lin and I'm trying to play catch up 

being a mama to 2 children, a wife to one husband (hehe), 

a business woman (to myself) and an entrepeneur (to prove to myself that i can really do it all). 

Then I'm not even speaking about my other parts...sister, friend, daughter, domestic goddess (!), 

lover of life (this is for my brother..hehe)... 

I've been wanting to sit down and take different events/days in our lives and write about it. And puff... it's February. I realised it is never going to happen, so instead I'm being honest with myself (and you) and am going to give you a peek into our lives these last few months.  Let's see... enjoy the ride and take note of the tips... (insert big smile here...) 

Smile to strangers, your husband, look your children in their eyes..and smile.... 

We've been living in 'happy'....giggles, laughter, a few tears (because my mom always says 

'van lekker lag kom lekker huil')... living in extreme love 

Watch the sun rise & listen how the world comes to life. 

We've been watching the sun rise...seeing that our little girl wakes up at 5:30.... but it was only a thing...the mama has found the trick... and now she is sleeping until 07:30...magical... 

we've been living the magic (happening) in our life...

Love every season.

We've been seeking out the blue skies of this absolute perfect summer! 

We've been outside, embracing the heat and loving every drop of sweat... 

Climb that mountain, come-on! you can do it! 

We've been climbing our own mountains.... Kellen started EC2 in his school, 

Bella is sitting and crawling.... for the adults...normal stuff like balancing the cheque book, 

balancing time with the family, sneeking in me-time :-) and trying to get more hours of sleep :-) 

Spend time with YOUR wife/husband & children. 

Family outings are as important as 'me-time'. With our beautiful weather we've been 

spending lots of time at the beach walking and playing and laughing...

treasuring every moment we have together.... 

Find love. 

Love find us everywhere! Every day, every hour.

We and 'Love' have became best friends. 

Be courageous & funny. 

To truly grow within ourselves, we have to face the daily challenges with 

courage and humor.  Hehe...in this photo Bella is tasting some new form of food... 

as you can see definitely not her favorite.... 

Go for a walk. Get out of your head.

Every day is a good day to go for a walk...make it beautiful.  

Look for the beauty in every step and treasure it... 

Challenge yourself... 

every.single.day. 

i dare you.

Be kind to yourself. 

Wrap yourself up in love...

Don't be so hard on yourself. 

You can try again tomorrow. 

Celebrate. 

for no reason. 

Get balloons, blow them up, play with them and then... 

then jump on them and burst it! 

Yell and giggle. 

Don't look too far ahead. 

Only focus on the now. 

Here, right here, is more than enough. 

Look for the beauty & say thank you.

There are 2 roads that I can drive to Kellen's school. 

I choose the 10minute longer one... 

for it's beauty... it reminds me that we live in the most beautiful country, 

i love the mountains, the winelands, the blue skies... 

i feel grateful & happy. 

Be innovative. 

Try new things. If you wonder about something, experiment and try something else. 

Don't just except an answer. Question and question some more. 

But keep in mind that sometimes the answer can just be: it is what it is.  

Surround yourself with people that inspire you.  Make a mess. Clean up. 

Spend time with friends that really 'sees you'.  

Have fun. Be honest. Open your home for them.

Look people in their eyes when they speak to you. It's good manners. 

Be proud of who you are.  

Pick strawberries. 

It's such fun. And so hot. 

You'll be grateful. With every bite into that delicious strawberry you will be so proud of yourself, 

for picking it yourself, for 'trying something new', for doing it. 

Exercise (or play on your bed). (hehe) 

Be different. 

Be courageous and try something new... 

the new hairstyle, the new dance style, that dress you always wanted to have...

go out and do it. Even if it means your brother has to encourage you all the way. 

Make a mess. 

Clean it, don't clean it. Stop trying to be so perfect. You have permission to 

let loose and do something outrageous! 

NOW is the perfect time. 

Don't wait for 'one day' to do something...if you hear the whisper... do it. 

Be proud of who you are. 

Lift your chinny-chin-chin (like Kellen would say)  and say loud and clear 

'I am ..... and I'm proud of who I am'. 

Get a different view/opinion. 

Sometimes you are in your head too much and your vision get blurred. 

It takes one person to give you a new perspective. 

It's great, try it. 

Surrender.

let someone take care of you.

you are so loved. 

Rest in the knowledge that you are love(d).

Love someone... love yourself.  

Stand in your power. 

know who you are. 

watch a sunset. 

embrace life. 

magical miracles, 3 years*

dear Kellen, 

Tomorrow, 3 years ago, I drove to Hermanus to pick you up. You were a sweet, energetic little boy who wanted to run around all the time... always time for a giggle. 

Having you in my life and heart has changed everything... you turned me over and made me realise how much i've always loved you.  I've loved you from the moment that i knew you were born... Cathy phoned me and said she is holding our baby and that our name was engraved on your forehead.  You came to us when you were 18 months old.... and today you are a brave and wild 4-year old who says he is 7.....or 48..heehee. 

Mommy loved you even before you knew me.  This photo was taken on the Monday when we met you for the first time. When you saw your daddy, you put your arms out for him to pick you up and you have stolen his heart. 

This past 3 years has been everything we always dreamed of and more. The amount of love and laughter you have brought into our hearts....they are filled to the brim... the amazing things you have taught us...

It amazes me the little things you are aware of, as if you have been on this earth for much longer than your 3 years. You notice the tiniest details and are always aware of people being sad or happy....wanting to reach out and make it better for them. Your soft and open heart connect you instantly with other people and especially animals... you love them...

thinking back on the past 3 years words that come up for me about your little personality is:
* brave *energetic * strong willed *curious *adventurer *soft-hearted *happy-go-lucky *thoughtfulness * helpful *loving *touchy-feely *wise *typical 4 year old *knows exactly what you want * brilliant memory * big heart *

things you love doing:
*swimming *painting *reading * animals * cucumber * jumping on mommy & daddy *playing with cars *bathing *have an instant love for junglebook and cars * building *singing * dancing *making jokes

*you eat almost anything and this past month your favorite snack is a jam sandwhich, no butter :0) and pieces of cucumber and apples

things/words you use:
*awesomeness * yes darling * cool *ma my *hoekom? (why)

things you dislike:
*tomatoes *mushrooms

you know Jesus and what He likes and dislikes.  You talk about him constantly when you are learning a moral lesson...usually teaching me how He would feel...

your friends are:
Bree, Lauren, Henre, Morgan & Mia

the most amazing thing you do is when we put you to bed, we read a story and afterwards you read or tell the story to us. the highlight of my day is when you ask 'mommy, what did you not enjoy today?' where you make your eyes big and round.  and then definitely the 'what did you enjoy most doing today'. daddy and i sing to you... you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you never know dear, how much i love you, please don't take my sunshine away. '

when we start singing, you turn around, cuddle and you fall asleep...

thank you for choosing us as your parents, all glory to God for making our dreams come true.

Kellen,

mommy loves you,

to the moon and back xx

In a moment of searching for a misplaced passport, a little card fell off my chair and the message was 'expect wonderful things to happen.'.  i picked a bag up and there, right under it, the misplaced, now found-and-very-happy-people's-passport was screaming at us to scream and jump from joy!

this wonderful happiness is the continuation of our dreams... on friday evening, 19/8/11 @ 19h00pm (Malaysian time) our social worker contacted us to hear what our plans are and and and....

* we are going to be parents to a little 3 month old baby girl...

* we are returning to cape town on tuesday evening...

* we are going to be daddy and mommy to a baby girl....

for us, this exceptional happy things happening is truly magical miracles*
 

magical moment*

you know when you grow up, you see things and think...'one day when i'm big, my children are going to do this...yes!'  when you wait 9 years for 'the my children' you were dreaming of, you sometimes forget those dreams. watching kellen and his friends run round and round, laughing and giggling, trying to 'catch' the fountain water, i remembered dreaming of this exact moment...   it was magical...

Tuesday afternoon, after gymnastics, we went for vegetable juice (did you hear! living healthily here!) at Marmelade Cafe in Plaze Mont Kiara.  Kellen and his two new friends walked towards the fountain and started playing and running and laughing...giggling...having SO.MUCH.FUN. 

he was having THIS much fun! 

The first morning he woke up in KL, he asked for tea and rusks 

(thank you Willa!  :-) Yesterday we baked them...in English. 

We have changed to speaking English throughout the day and 

when daddy gets home at night we switch back to Afrikaans. 

He is trying sooo very very hard... and is doing fabulously! 

Now he is mixing his Afrikaans with English.... Told me tonight

'mamma, jy moet reach'. :-) 

His favorite toys right now is his animals. He packs them in rows 

while the lion and the one dinosaur 'fight'. 

but the lion wins every time because he is the king of the jungle. 

more magical moments xx