blessed*

a few nights ago, while putting him to bed, he turned around, threw his arms around me and said:
'thank you mama, thank you that you were the first mama that prayed for me'.

last night he prayed: 'thank you God, that you chose the perfect mommy and daddy to be parents for me'.

it can be by chance that he prayed the above... but having prayed for this little boy for 8 years, made his prayer exceptionally special.  it was moments of deep breaths, reminding one self, to be quiet and to cherish that moment... grasping the prayer with both my hands into my heart where the love i have for this boy, is deep and fierce.

he gets me. his daddy will some days look at me, then at him, shake his head and say: "he is just like you, are you sure we adopted him?".

he is soft and kind and silly and fun.  he loves to cuddle and is always touching me with his foot or hand. he will take my hand in public and hold on tight, 'to never let me go'.

he gets irritated and frustrated when he is tired. he loves to sleep and always has a teddy or two or three with him in bed.

he is currently into sports. want to take golf lessons, because 'he wants to master all the different types of sport so that he can be really good'.

the day he was born, a friend came to me and told me: 'your son was born last night. i had a dream that your names was engraved on his forehead'.  i thought... yes right.  we are moving to the uk, i don't really care.

but i kept on praying. for our children. to come home.

18 months later, on a monday afternoon at 5, my phone rang, the same friend asked me if i was sitting and asked if we can adopt him, as he is going to be placed for adoption.

i prayed for him. every single day for 8 years, i prayed for him.

now he is praying for me xx

truth* (of infertility)

the truth is...

i don't want to write about all the sad things of my heart.

right in the beginning i thought my blog is going to be about our amazing and beautiful and blessed life. i did a writing course and realised again that my best writing, and the writing you want to read, is the truth of my heart.  the posts, where i write from my heart, where i open it up, where i don't think about it, and just write what comes from my heart, those are the posts that you want to read.

blogging is a funny thing.  I thought that people want to read about happiness and good things and dreams coming true, which i believe to be true too. right now,  i guess it's the heart of the matter, it is the truth that needs to be told.

i'm writing about this, because i know how grateful i felt when i stumbled upon a blog 7 years ago of a beautiful girl who could not have her own children too... i thought i was over all the infertility stuff and have moved on, but the more i read, the more the feelings re-surfaced and i realised i did not have the words to say what i was feeling. and here, here is someone who knows exactly what i'm going through.

i felt held and loved and not alone.  i felt 'normal' within the abnormalities of this journey. someone, a million miles away, knew how i felt.

i felt seen.

accepted.

loved.

she gave me hope.

i'm quite a 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get' type of girl - very honest. not always the best combo, but i'm all about showing up and being real.

(if these post are too heavy or personal for you, this is maybe not the blog for you to read).

i hope that my words will make you, who truly need this, feel as if you are not alone either. that what you are feeling is real.  i hope you feel 'normal' within all this sadness, but above all, i hope you find
H O P E in my words, because at the end there is always always hope!

H O P E and T R U S T.

i would love to hear your story... please email me at lynnemalan@gmail.com.

the truth of infertility is that your story matter.

it's ok to feel what you feel.

you are normal.

this all sucks right now, but in the end, when you hold that little baby in your arms, it was all worth it!

please share... and know that you are not alone.

Lin xx

* soaking up this beautiful life for the next 4 weeks! will be back in September

this is for YOU who are still waiting and trying to be called 'mama'*

dear You-who-are-waiting-to-be-called-a-mama, 

i know about the empty feeling of not being able to get pregnant. 

i know about the fear of 'will it ever happen'. 

i know about the constant thoughts of 'maybe this month'.

i know about the continues trying and making it fun part. 

i know about the not knowing. 

i know about it being not fun anymore. 

i know about the 'what if i never get pregnant'. 

i know about the dreams that he and you talk about until the wee hours of the night. 

i know about the names that you have already chosen. 

i know about the talks you have about whose lips and eyes your baby is going to have. 

i know about the giggles of what you want your baby to be like. 

i know about the hope you have for your baby's future.

i know about the room that you have already set up in your mind.

i know about the million times you walked into a baby store to just look... look at what you will buy 'if'.

i know about the friend you know for 'whose baby you can buy this'.

i know about the overwhelm & tears when you stand with your friends' baby's gift in your arms, wanting with everything in you to buy it for YOUR baby...

i know how you throw the clothes down, tears streaming down your face, and run out of the shop.

i know how this happens more than once. 

i know about the hope of treatment, ivf, icsi, clomid, you name it...about all the options. 

i know about donors and surrogates. 

i know about all the advise family and friends so freely give. 

and do i know about the 'just wait until you don't think about it, and before you know it, you will be pregnant'. 

i know about the invasive procedures of (in)fertility treatment. 

i know all about 'hope'. the 'gift' of a baby at the end of the emotional roller coaster. 

i know of the 25% success rate with these procedures and all i see on the walls are the photos of the babies that were born within that 25%.

i also know about the unknown. 

i know about the fear when you go for your first implant. 

i know about the support group number on the wall and the thinking 'i'm not that desperate'. 

i know about the not knowing what to expect. 

i know about the shyness of putting on the gown and going into a room full of strangers.

i know about acting as if this is no big deal. 

i know about the knowing that you have absolute no idea what to expect. 

i know how scared you are. 

i know how unfair this is. 

i know how angry you are. 

i know about every single time you speak with God and how you want to curse Him for making you one of them. 

i know about the endless injections and medicine. 

i know about the keeping it together emotionally. 

i know about your husband trying everything to 'take care' of you just in case you fall apart. 

i know about the fear of every injection. 

i know about the thoughts of 'i can do this, we are going to have a baby, this is nothing - thoughts'. 

i know about getting up at 7am to go to your neighbor (who is a nurse), to give you said injection. 

i know about smiling and being brave, where all you want to do is cry! 

i know about the waiting. 

i know about the devastation of dreams shattered when you hear 'your test is negative'.

sweet one who is already a mama in her heart, 

i also know about adoption and miracles and 'meant to be'. 

i know about the perfect time. 

i know about God being in control of our life plan. 

i know what it is to be called 'mama'. 

i know how sad one feels on mother's day when you've been trying every.thing.to.get.pregnant.and.it.is.not.happening. 

i know how you are pretending that special days like today don't upset you. 

i know how you concentrate on your own mom and shrug your own motherhood off as if a fleeting thought. 

i know how you think about motherhood every.single.minute.of.every.day.

this series of 'i know letters' is written for you. 

in honor of you. 

mothers'day, may 2013

bella, me & kellen

 this can be your story too. 

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” 

― Rumi

dear mom of an adopted child*

the 1st time i saw and held our baby girl, cape town international airport, 25/08/2011

1st time meeting and holding our son, kellen, 14/07/2008

It is rare to find a written piece of work that touch your heart on so many levels, you want to shout out to the world 'read this! read this! this is how we feel'.  So whether you are an adoptive mom or a birth giving mom, we are all blessed, blessed to be called 'mom'.  This touching piece of writing was written by Kathy Lynn Harris.  

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

bonding through adoption* the power of touch*

when bella came to live with us, she was nearly 3 months old. she lived with the most amazing people in a safe house in the eastern cape, where she was loved until she came to us. we did not know about her life, her birth, until 6 days before we picked her up.  

bella was such a good baby. slept continuously.  i remember wanting to wake her up so that i could hold her...hehe... i tried for 3 months to rock her to sleep with no success.  she would wriggle and cry and try to push me away, as soon as i put her in the cot, she would fall asleep.  (which, according to all the baby books, is perfect).  but as an adoptive mama, who have never had a little baby, you want to hold your baby...you want her to want to fall asleep in your arms.... 

i surrendered and counted my blessings and many a day sat next to her cot, watching her sleep...wishing for the day that she will fall asleep in my arms. 

about 5 months ago, we started to put bella with us in our bed just before bedtime.  we would all read a story together, sing some songs, talk about our day and then it usually is the big cuddle.  we've respected bella's need for no touch/space, also knowing how important it is to keep on touching her, continuously trying to cuddle. 

during her afternoon nap she will go lie right on the other side of the bed.  i've tried to keep contact, whether it is my fingers playing with her hair, my toes touching her toes, my arm on her arm... i would keep on touching, skin to skin, so that she can feel my presence, until she would shake my arm/foot off.

about 2 weeks ago she was quite unsettled and tried to lie as far as possible away from me.  should she have moved any further, she would have fallen off the bed.  this particular day, just after witnessing and taking this photo, my heart was literally breaking.  i just want to hold her and love her.  she refused any contact at all, started crying when i touched her, even with my toes.

i decided to let it go, lay down on my back and closed my eyes. prayed that she will soften this resistance for love.

i must have fallen asleep. when i opened my eyes a few minutes later, this was my view... my heart was beating faster and tears instantly ran down my cheeks.

the following week, i decided to ignore her, not even trying to touch her in any way and lay on my back with my eyes closed.  a few minutes later, she came to me and was laying like this... it's magical... you don't want to move... or breath... you want to pause that moment for ever and re-live how she came to cuddle on your shoulder.

i've been pushing my luck with her the last 2 months.  i can feel her energy when we go lie down and this specific day i just moved closer and closer... ended right here and she looked at me, turned the other way and fell asleep.

it is the most magical moments of all. being so close, without her resisting my love.

there are still days when i  have to give her her space. but you keep on trying.

kellen is our cuddler galore. he is always laying with one leg over both of us and touching our face.  although he is her hero, the cuddling thing, even with him, is sometimes too much for her.

i was talking with someone about this on which they replied and said that there were so many negative emotions surrounding her birth mom being pregnant with her, she is still protecting herself.

when i told them that she fell asleep in my arms, someone replied: aawww... she is allowing in all the love, she can now love you fully and let you love her fully back.

how true the above is, i will never know.  but i would never have thought that it would take nearly 2 years for us to get bella to cuddle with us before she falls asleep.  kellen came to live with us when he was 18 months old and grew up with a granddad that held him and tickled him constantly.  kellen slept with him in his bed and from the beginning he wanted to lie with us in bed. i would have never imagined, having a baby from 3 months old, being able to cuddle with her will only happen 2 years later.

there are no words to describe the joy and love these two bring into our lives.  adoption has so many layers of thoughts and feelings, experiences and not knowings.

"Touching is a beautiful, connecting, survival-oriented, 

heart-opening act, and we need to do more of it.  

In touching each other with love, we are really touching God'.  

        

 (The Power of Touch, Phyllis K. Davis, PH.D.)

gratitude for simple things*

i was going to write a post on connecting with your babies/children before you have met them after reading this beautiful written post by Stacy...and then i thought maybe that is too much for a friday. 

what i can say, is that the other day i was reading in Romans and God said: 'if you believe in Me, I will not disappoint you'.  this is the promise i'm holding on to until we meet our other children. i believe in God and prayer and would like to invite you to pray with us that we will find our way to our children. 

the first post was about connecting with them, moving onto adoption, moving onto very very deep thoughts... but let's rather enjoy this beautiful day in simple ways... enjoying these two silly things with a heart full full full and literally flowing over.

running to the park... 

bella wants to run to the park... on the side walk, very close to the road...she likes to challenge (me) herself and see how far she can go before i strap her up in the stroller... and kellen... he just cycles on and shows us the way...

they know the path to the park and are showing me where to go...
(notice bella is still running..hehe)

she is a little tree hugger... walk with us on the day that she decides today every tree along the road will get a hug...it takes for ever...but with every hug, she gives a huge aaaaaaa... as to really show her love.

one of these days i will have to pay him to smile at the camera...

the two of them...they have my heart. they are best friends. when they wake up in the mornings they look for each other first... hugs and kisses.... he is definitely her favorite person on earth... and she does everything he does...

when we play 'tag' (when last did you play tag? help me... )... this is the face i get when i cannot catch him... he thinks the fact that he is faster than i am, is hilarious.

we played hide-and-seek in the park (when last did you play hide-and-seek?  most amazing experience to see the joy on their faces...) bella does not get the whole hide-and-seek thing yet..she giggles and jumps up and scream and then falls down again... never hide with bella close to you! this was her face when she jumped up to give her 'hiding place' away and i told her she was suppose to be quiet...she was hiding in the slide. quite clever.

when did this happen. this baby girl climbs onto the see-saw and stands on top of the seat, trying to balance standing without holding onto anything. i could only take the first photo because my heart nearly stopped when i realised she is trying to stand on the seat

she looks at the camera and say 'cheese'...

he has such a soft and kind heart.... when meeting new friends he gets a bit quieter and just smiles...

but he is a fierce tree-hugger!

ummm... yes. you can't catch me! (she does everything her big brother does).

and when they are tired, they literally just fell down, lie on their backs and rest! he calls it 'telling cloud stories mama'.

happy weekend!

my 'anerma'

in the swimming pool, 1am on new years eve, pangkor

a few years ago i took my husbands phone to read his emails to find out what he has been working on at work, as to when he tells me about it, the words won't seem so outer space.  then, i found some text messages from a girl which seemed to me, quite intimate. i felt uncomfortable and thought, 'this is not right. who is this girl'? at that stage he told me about a rep whom he was talking to quite often and i thought that was she.  when i asked him about these text messages, he burst out laughing and told me 'Anerma' was aunty Elnette. Anerma means 'other mom' in text messaging/spelling and it was hilarious.  

my mom's cousin, aunty Elnette and her daughter, our goddaughter, Beth has been visiting us for the last month (and beth for the last 3 months) in Malaysia.  it is as if they are part of our everyday life and is how it is suppose to be.  we joke and say that the family will 'connect' on a deeper level for years to come... aunty Elnette is 20 years older than i am, i am 14 years older than beth and she is 18 years older than kellen.  the connection is there and nothing in the world will ever change the bond all of us have.  i treasure this. family. connection. people who truly see me/us for who we are. who don't expect us to be anybody but ourselves.  they just get us. no expectations, no explaining, just love. 

my aunt has been like a mother to me since my mom died 3 years ago.  on her lap i have cried hours and hours, wailed really, because i miss my mom so much.  my aunt has been there. in the 8 years on our (in) fertility journey, i cried on her lap, sat in front of her and talked and lashed out and asked questions and cried... she saw me, my sadness and she did not say a word. she just patted my back and told me how much she loved me. 

she is the most amazing person. 

A L I V E  and VIBRANT! 

A D V E N T U R O U S! 

W I L D and C A L M!

H O N E S T and  F U N N Y.

always game for fun and sports. 

on new years eve, (photo above) we were sitting outside our room chatting, and we looked at each other.  marcel said 'let's jump in the pool' and if she was faster, she would have been the first one in the pool.  

she is soft and kind. warm and loving. understanding and straight.  honest.  she knows when to give advice and when to just listen. she sees you. she sees me and kellen en bella and marcel. she connects with each of us where we are and never ever expect anything back. she cries easily and have a heart so pure, it will soften anybody who gets in contact with her. 

she is a special needs teacher for the year 4 students.  i always smile and know how much she means to the children who she has connected with. all her year 4 children over the years, who are now in the high school, still comes to her with their problems. they text her when they need advice or someone to talk to... and just that.. the being there... is all of her.  

hehe.. i remember when kellen just came to live with us, i made him a baked potato for lunch (with some other bits) and he refused to eat the potato. i phoned her in tears, crying because he does not want to eat the potato and she said: 'so what. then he doesn't eat the potato'. (huge life lesson..hehe). 

this afternoon when i went to pick bella up for her play group, i bent down for her to run into my arms... very excitedly.  bella ran straight past me, into anerma's arms.  i looked, smiled and thanked God for her.  (i was jealous...very much!) 

her outlook on life is simple & easy. do it, don't do it, but for goodness sake! just enjoy your life! 

my (our) life has been blessed with her in.  my heart has healed because of her love and acceptance.   my children has an (adopted) grandma because of her open heart.  for me, she is like my other mom. 

i love you anerma. to the moon and back xx

grateful & excited*

years ago, when we were still in the midst of our (in)fertility journey, we became the godparents to this beautiful girl.  to be godparents to her gave us the feeling of being 'needed' and filled the big sadness we were in.  add to that the miraculous adoption stories of our two little ones and we are grateful... our hearts overflowing with love, our hearts so full it can burst! 

she is at the end of her 3 month visit here in malaysia and everyone is getting a little bit quieter every day.  to see how bella and kellen connected with her, having all three 'our kids' under one roof at the same time is an extra blessing.  to witness how much the little ones love her, how they joke with her and fight with her... how they make eye contact and start laughing...it's magic. 

these past few days are filled with quiet moments of gratitude... memories made and relived through photos... loud burst of laughter and screaming... because they can scream/yell together.. and then they laugh... when she goes home, our house is going to be quiet... the little ones are going to look for her.. they will miss her.. her room is going to be empty and we are going to miss looking up and seeing her entering a room with that beautiful smile of hers... 

(we love you) xx

tips on infertility: random things not to ask any one who don't have children*

This post is for anyone who have friends/family who are trying to grow their family.  Be wise and read and be informed... and then you just love them... don't ask questions... don't make assumptions... just love and pray.

To our family and friends (you know who you are) who have said nothing... who loved us and prayed with us... who knew that we too did not know the answers... we love you...well... and then some... do i even say more.  it is sad how little integrity (is that the word?) some people have... so here you go... a few questions we got asked again and again..even to this day....wink-wink* - don't ask these questions to people who don't have kids... just plain ol' rude... :-)

1.    when are you having kids?
2.    how many kids do you want?
3.    is there a problem?
4.    who has the problem?
5.    have you tried...
6.    God has a plan
7.    you should pray (believe me, we know)
8.    you know, this one and this one did this and this...
9.    i'm so sorry
10.  i know how you feel (really?)
11.  you should try...
12.  why can't you get pregnant
13.  have you heard this joke...(insert joke about someone who cannot get pregnant... )
14.  that's such a shame. you will make great parents.
15.  i know of so and so....
16.  keep on trying... (really?)
17.  i hope you don't mind me asking, but... (don't ask!)
18.  why don't you just adopt? (yes, why don't you just adopt...so easy! :-)
19.  don't worry, it will happen when you don't think about it.
20.  you should drink less coffee.

yep people, drink less coffee :-) xx

PS: 21.  'come, come, pull yourself together,  no-one died'.  said to me after our first implant which failed by 'my best friend'.  yep, not friends any more.  (phew! i just pulled this one out of the archives of my memory banks...such a long time ago... )

magic* (and a little bit on grieving infertility)

Last night we watched this movie and within 10 minutes of watching i burst out crying, deep, heavy crying of past hurt and sadness for their story.  

it's just a movie. a story of two people who tried everything to get pregnant and have children. but it did not happen. she went to the doctors, which gave them their fate - you will never be able to have your own children. that night, before 'moving on', the two of them sat on the couch and talked about what 'their kid would be like'. everything their kid would achieve and be. loved and be loved. then they realised it will just be that, dreams... wishes... they put them all in a box and buried the box in their backyard.  

many a night my husband and i sat dreaming and talking about what 'our children' one day will be like. we went into every detail.... what they would look like. how they would act towards other people... how we want our children to grow up to be kind and compassionate people with hearts so full of love, that they will change the world. we imagined how much joy they would bring to the world, how they would love life and everything about it. how much we would love them.  how we would never be able to imagine our lives without them... how our hearts would burst with love and joy all in once. 

for us, that too, was just dreams... wishes... because we were not destined to have our own children.  this movie took me (us) back into our infertility journey, slab dab right in the middle of our grief.  i cried like i have not cried in the past few years... the crying and tears coming from the depths of my soul. i did not realised that i can still cry about something i've cried for over 10years... 10 years of waiting and hoping and praying for a child... the never-ending hurting and sadness of not being able to have our own children. 

we went to bed talking about the beautiful children who lost their lives in the shooting on friday in connecticut... and the millions of children who will never know what it feels like to be loved, to have a mommy and a daddy, their own family, the millions of children who would never know what it feels like to be hugged and loved by 'their mommy and daddy', all the while watching our 2 beautiful children sleep.  our hearts aching for what we (thought) we could never have. the (gratitude and) magnitude of the one wish we had of being a mommy and a daddy, which God answered for us through the magic of adoption. 

we cried ourselves to sleep last night. my last thoughts were of the healing that is still taking place 5 years later after our prayer of becoming parents were answered... i told m3 

'healing is still taking place... God knew what He was doing'. 

breakfast in bed

playing doll in the tent

the magic of music and wanting to learn...

the magic of gratitude & little notes in little xmas trees

i had the most perfect moment on sunday... my aunt and godchild was sharing their creative juices with

some xmas magic... my (OUR) children were running around laughing and screaming... 

the magic of a little boy... Father Xmas came last night and 'forgot' one of his gifts on the table (because Father Xmas was testing it out..hehe.. ). this morning kellen saw it, asked about it and then when he wanted to show us, it just disappeared.  he left a note and picture of the gift to remind Father Xmas.  the note reads:  'Father Xmas, green ipad please'. :-)

the magic is every where... look around you... 

how many nights of despair and sadness were there. days of being angry with God for not responding. for not making one understand why? why not us? isn't that what You promised each of us in the Bible? what did i do wrong? make me understand this! you call out to God from the depths of your soul. you want to know..you NEED to know what the plan is He has for your life, because in the moments of despair and sadness, nothing, absolute nothing makes sense.

i wished and prayed for children even when i was not praying. i lived praying for them. holding onto God's promise for us.

He delivered. not the way we thought He would. our children did not come through us.

but He gave us our children through His love.

we are a mama and daddy, because of His love for us. and His love for them.

we will raise our children to know and love God, for He surely am the beginning and the end.

tips on living the life you imagined*

Life is good. One can really live the life one imagined... it usually is in the day to day living that one realize 'aha! i have imagined a life so full and rich of love and this is it'.

many a night i've imagined how we walk in the rain.... go for walks in the rain... enjoy the rain on your skin.... feel the soft drops of love pitter patter on your skin...

many a night i 've imagined how my children develop en grow...we've been stretching and reaching to be our best selfs... we've been growing and making mistakes and laughing about them... but we always stand up and try again...

many a night i've imagined how we will talk about the beginning and the end of things/life....death is inevitable. it's a subject we talk about in our house. 'fish-fish' decided to move on... we had a funeral, there were some tears and lots of love...

many a night i've imagined how we would read together in bed.  try something new. late mornings in bed with a good good book... getting excited about new possibilities...

many a night i've imagined how our children get into bed with us for cuddles... morning cuddles... or is it more like midnight cuddles leading into morning cuddles...  oh how many a night did i dream about this.... 

many a night i've imagined how i will spend time with my children individually.... it's so important to spend time with each of our children separately.  with kellen it is easy.. he wants to go to a coffee shop, have a doughnut and a juice and chat...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to feed my children healthy and nutritious meals....this girl loves meat, she sure knows how to eat a piece of chicken.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to take good care of their bodies... brushing teeth is a fun and playful thing in our house... we walk around and dance and hum while we take care of our teeth.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my little ones to make friends... to be gentle and kind...

many a night i've imagined how my babies are going to sit on my lap and we are going to swing into the sunset...

many a night i've imagined how i take my children to the park...how they cycle and climb and slide... magic...

may a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach them about safety... no problem. you just don't allow anything else than being safe...hehe...

many a night i've imagined how we are traveling the world... how i teach my children that they have the world at their feet... opportunities to expand their worlds... to spread their wings and to fly...

many a night i've imagined how sometimes we will do things we are not proud off or happy about... we try something new that didn't quite work out the way we imagined... we cry, we forgive (ourselves) and we move on... that is what life is about... your try out everything and you do those that make your heart sing!

many a night i've imagined our children being goofy, funny and wild, i've imagined them being kind and soft and caring...

many a night i've imagined how i will stand over their bed/cot and watch them sleep.... these moments, watching them is sleep, are some of the most precious and dear to my heart...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to stand in their light and be proud of themselves.

many a night i've imagined how we go on picnics with treasured friends in beautiful gardens with fountains and geese and ice-cream...

many a night i've imagined my children being creative and free... this designer at the south sea restaurant is just that.  this is in the gents bathroom, kellen is taking a wee and that is their view...brilliant!

many a night i've imagined this life i'm living, not feeling as if it is ever going to happen. the waiting was so hard, the not understanding so not understandable...

but here we are. 10 years later and we are living the life we always imagined.

YOUR dreams are coming true as we speak xx