tips on infertility: random things not to ask any one who don't have children*

This post is for anyone who have friends/family who are trying to grow their family.  Be wise and read and be informed... and then you just love them... don't ask questions... don't make assumptions... just love and pray.

To our family and friends (you know who you are) who have said nothing... who loved us and prayed with us... who knew that we too did not know the answers... we love you...well... and then some... do i even say more.  it is sad how little integrity (is that the word?) some people have... so here you go... a few questions we got asked again and again..even to this day....wink-wink* - don't ask these questions to people who don't have kids... just plain ol' rude... :-)

1.    when are you having kids?
2.    how many kids do you want?
3.    is there a problem?
4.    who has the problem?
5.    have you tried...
6.    God has a plan
7.    you should pray (believe me, we know)
8.    you know, this one and this one did this and this...
9.    i'm so sorry
10.  i know how you feel (really?)
11.  you should try...
12.  why can't you get pregnant
13.  have you heard this joke...(insert joke about someone who cannot get pregnant... )
14.  that's such a shame. you will make great parents.
15.  i know of so and so....
16.  keep on trying... (really?)
17.  i hope you don't mind me asking, but... (don't ask!)
18.  why don't you just adopt? (yes, why don't you just adopt...so easy! :-)
19.  don't worry, it will happen when you don't think about it.
20.  you should drink less coffee.

yep people, drink less coffee :-) xx

PS: 21.  'come, come, pull yourself together,  no-one died'.  said to me after our first implant which failed by 'my best friend'.  yep, not friends any more.  (phew! i just pulled this one out of the archives of my memory banks...such a long time ago... )

tips on living the life you imagined*

Life is good. One can really live the life one imagined... it usually is in the day to day living that one realize 'aha! i have imagined a life so full and rich of love and this is it'.

many a night i've imagined how we walk in the rain.... go for walks in the rain... enjoy the rain on your skin.... feel the soft drops of love pitter patter on your skin...

many a night i 've imagined how my children develop en grow...we've been stretching and reaching to be our best selfs... we've been growing and making mistakes and laughing about them... but we always stand up and try again...

many a night i've imagined how we will talk about the beginning and the end of things/life....death is inevitable. it's a subject we talk about in our house. 'fish-fish' decided to move on... we had a funeral, there were some tears and lots of love...

many a night i've imagined how we would read together in bed.  try something new. late mornings in bed with a good good book... getting excited about new possibilities...

many a night i've imagined how our children get into bed with us for cuddles... morning cuddles... or is it more like midnight cuddles leading into morning cuddles...  oh how many a night did i dream about this.... 

many a night i've imagined how i will spend time with my children individually.... it's so important to spend time with each of our children separately.  with kellen it is easy.. he wants to go to a coffee shop, have a doughnut and a juice and chat...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to feed my children healthy and nutritious meals....this girl loves meat, she sure knows how to eat a piece of chicken.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to take good care of their bodies... brushing teeth is a fun and playful thing in our house... we walk around and dance and hum while we take care of our teeth.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my little ones to make friends... to be gentle and kind...

many a night i've imagined how my babies are going to sit on my lap and we are going to swing into the sunset...

many a night i've imagined how i take my children to the park...how they cycle and climb and slide... magic...

may a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach them about safety... no problem. you just don't allow anything else than being safe...hehe...

many a night i've imagined how we are traveling the world... how i teach my children that they have the world at their feet... opportunities to expand their worlds... to spread their wings and to fly...

many a night i've imagined how sometimes we will do things we are not proud off or happy about... we try something new that didn't quite work out the way we imagined... we cry, we forgive (ourselves) and we move on... that is what life is about... your try out everything and you do those that make your heart sing!

many a night i've imagined our children being goofy, funny and wild, i've imagined them being kind and soft and caring...

many a night i've imagined how i will stand over their bed/cot and watch them sleep.... these moments, watching them is sleep, are some of the most precious and dear to my heart...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to stand in their light and be proud of themselves.

many a night i've imagined how we go on picnics with treasured friends in beautiful gardens with fountains and geese and ice-cream...

many a night i've imagined my children being creative and free... this designer at the south sea restaurant is just that.  this is in the gents bathroom, kellen is taking a wee and that is their view...brilliant!

many a night i've imagined this life i'm living, not feeling as if it is ever going to happen. the waiting was so hard, the not understanding so not understandable...

but here we are. 10 years later and we are living the life we always imagined.

YOUR dreams are coming true as we speak xx

tips on how to react on a tantrum*

Part of living in a different country is the hundreds of opportunities you get...which you cannot decline... life is too good to decline things that your heart desire...that makes your heart beat faster and make you feel alive! 

 This is a photo of the sun setting tonight in Kota Kinabalu, Borneo.  (I know!!!! Borneo!!!!) I still cannot grasp how amazing it is to get these opportunities... for me it is all blessings from above... especially this sunset...

but...

while i was playing with the manual setting and trying to get all the technical things of my camera, i put little bella down next to me in the sand... and then i moved... (and she stayed)... and i moved again... and she stayed... and when i looked over to her, this is what i saw (insert BIG surprised eyes!) and a huge smile in here...

Bella fell down into the sand, threw her little legs up in the air and start screaming...
I know! Can you believe it? 14 months old... i burst out laughing... and snapped away..hehehe..

'mamaaaaa.... i don't like the sand.... please pick me up....'

'if you don' pick me up, i will just lie here... in the sand... which i don't like... at all...'
(and in the meantime kellen is copying everything she is doing and saying)

'mama!!! pick me up!' (no: please mama, can you please pick me up')

just mammaaaaaa...ma maaaaaaaa... 

tips on how to react on a tantrum: 

1.  turn around and act surprise

2.  smile and say you don't believe your eyes

3.  make sure she cannot hear you

4.  turn around and giggle loudly

5.  ignore said person and continue shooting sunsets

6.  listen to her in the background

7.  walk closer with a smile on your face

8.  say 'smile'... and take a few photos... and some more... 

9.  take her hand and pull her up

10. smile and keep on talking as if nothing happened... 

11. smile and laugh from within...knowing how truly blessed you are to be her mama 

tips on having fun during looonnggg holidays*

1. dress brightly...the sun is shining... your heart is singing... life is good... (i hope for you too) xx

2.  learn to snorkel... eventhough you may only scuba dive when you are 12... seemingly life is unfair for this 5 year old boy... he wants to scuba dive, gym, play big boy soccer for which you have to be 12 years old

3. work on your balance in the swimming pool... take one step at a time... and smile.. you are beautiful!

4.  wear different hats....literally... make some new ones and if you don't like the hat you have on now, change it. the sooner you do the change, the sooner your heart will sing with happy

5.  play and laugh...try something new. learn a new skill. go on! do it! yes YOU!

6.  swim as much as possible... relax... imagine you are a dolphin in the water... and make the sound of dolphins playing...hehe.. when last did you do that... my brother and i used to play this when we were little... was one of our favorite games....

7.  teach your little sister to breathe in water... or to hold up her breath... of if neither works, just throw water in her face and see what happens. he calls it 'experiment' / or learning her something new / or he wants to see what she does...

8.  get up and live! just do it xx

tips on starting something new*

1.  be courageous
2.  be wild
3.  do something that you never thought of doing
4.  do something that will feed / fill your soul
5.  decide courageously
6.  breath in... and on the out...
7.  run! and pay up for the first 3 months!
8.  commit to yourself
9.  get up and go
10. even if it hurts, just do it.
11. laugh at yourself
12. be kind with yourself... you are there... you are doing it...
13. finish the class..even if it hurts
14. continue your day with a smile on your face and a happy heart..you will feel great
15. go again tomorrow and repeat steps 1 to 15

tips on embracing infertility, an old sad memory*

1.  be brave and do it

2.  take the frames out, put them on the table

3.  get the photos of the last year out

4.  glow in the light of love

5.  cherish every single moment you captured with your camera

6.  feel gratitude

7.  let the happiness push up in your body... feeling as if it's going to run over

8.  stand back and smile

9.  hit the nail in the wall

10.  hang the photo frame

11.  live in the now

2 years ago, on a(nother) day that i longed for a baby, i went to a shop and bought R1 500 worth of photo frames.  Today, i organized the photos to put them in.  750 (plus) days later, i've grieved enough over our infertility and am i ready to let go of that memory/feeling. my heart is full. i am happy.

*thoughts/feelings on infertility ( memories in my mind the last 5 hours)... 

if you visit here often and know me, you will know that i always try to write about the positive things in my life... to use a negative event/feeling and to turn it around into something good.. .something that can add to your life too. after taking out the empty frames and writing this post, i've been 'embracing' those memories... letting them slip out... but i don't think that they will wander far... as i cherish them too, for they have been part of me for such a long time.

the day that i bought these frames, my heart was broken. for 10 years i (we)'ve been praying for a baby. i've been angry with God and then i would stop praying. the longing, the in-depth need to hold a baby, not necessarily from my womb, any baby, that i could mother was so overwhelming and real...it blindsided me to anything else in life.  the thoughts of God not thinking that i am enough to mother, of what-else-must-i-do-to-show God that i'm worthy of this experience, this love, His love.  i couldn't bring together my life and how God viewed me... what did i do wrong? did He not love me enough to answer these prayers... what else must i do? how many years still, do i have to wait?

for most of the time these were the conversations i was having with Him. every.single.day.  most days the sadness was there. you wish you can understand it, but (most days) it was a deep, calm, sadness... like a photo of solitude. nothing. no ripples on the water. just sadness.  it can be a beautiful feeling.  for me it was. somewhere there must be an explanation for all this sadness.  somewhere in here, He must love me to teach me such beauty in sadness.  you paddle. you breath. you cry. you stop crying. you pray. you stop praying. you want to scream. but you don't. can't anybody see that i'm drowning? can someone help me?

and then. out of nowhere, the sadness goes deeper. you breath. you smile. you know it's happening. you trust in the process. you get up and you do what you have to do to show sadness that life is good. people love me. i am loved. (you want to ask: 'am i', )but you let that one slip, because the sun is out. it's shining. you are smiling, drifting on the sadness. you think you are riding the wave, but you know it will surface. again. when you least expect it. you hold on to hope, other people's stories. you pray. you smile. (and you pray some more).

sadness is not a joke. it cannot be fixed. it's a feeling that has to be loved and cherished, you have to feel it. you have to cry and scold and swear and forgive. you have to love even more, for the sadness will not be there if there was not the most extraordinary good thing in your life. the yin and yang. the darkness and light. the empty photo frames in the corner and the beautiful photo frames against the wall.

the sadness and the happiness.

tip(s) on feeling JOY*

open your heart and watch this...

The event was sponsord by Spain’s Banco Sabadell. Featuring Vallès Symphony Orchestra, the choirs of Lieder and Friends of l’Opera and the Choral Belles Arts. It's conducted by Josef Vila Casaña

7 tips on living YOUR life*

1.  sometimes it difficult and you are tired of being brave and always trying to see the positive things in your life. 

 2.  but, you have to. to live a great life you have to make that change to make this life YOUR happy life.  what is the one step you have to take to start living the life YOU WANT? 

 3.  be patient. one step at a time.

4.  stop looking into the future. stop comparing your life to other people's  lives. your life is right here, right now.

5.  YOUR life IS great. You are in it. Live that.

6.  Look for the multi-colors. don't search for them. be still, open your eyes and see them right beside you. you already have all the answers you need inside you.

7. take many photographs of YOUR life, with YOU in it. be proud. be happy.

tips on hanging on or living in limbo*

1.  hold on and see the facts for the facts.  you'll be scared, but it is easier to work with what you know than the unfamiliar.

2.  say it out loud. speak to someone. share. open up. don't feel ashamed that you are barely hanging on.

3.  try solving it all by yourself. hold on tight and just do it..whatever it is... go for it.

4.  sometimes hanging on feels heavy, you try harder but it feels as if you are not getting anywhere.

5.  let go of the things that don't serve you. easy question: ask yourself: does this add to my life? yes/no? yes? grab it and keep it close. no? let it go.

6.  some days it all is a haze and you don't know how you get to the other side.  the world is spinning, or is it only your world...

7. on the 'spinning around and around days'... you hold on and you trust the process with everything in you.

* all photos of kellen taken in 2010 on iphone with hipstamatic application

tips on 'how to ignore grief' *

Happy birthday mom. We love you xx

1.  what grief?

2.  smile.

3.  stay busy. 

4.  act as if you don't have time for yourself. 

5.  ignore any other birthdays/anniversaries of friends/family who have died...

6.  'forget' special dates

7.  definitely don't speak to your siblings.

8.  don't phone your dad.

9.  act strong.

10. put a cheer in your voice.

11. smile when someone phones you.

12. don't phone anyone.

13. change the subject when they get too close for comfort.

14. don't cry. jump up and do something totally different... like cleaning something.

15. breath deeply... and even deeper.

16. don't look in the mirror at yourself. you'll see straight through your masks.

17. celebrate something.

18.  have a picnic.

18.  be ruthless and wild (total give-away!)

20.  keep on telling yourself 'i'm ok' :-)

21. on a second note, don't answer any phone calls.

PS: tomorrow will be part 2 of the grieving thing..hehe

PPS: 3rd birthday of my mom since she died

14 tips on savoring THIS moment*

1.  open your eyes & move slower
2.  look around you
3.  when something 'catch' your eye, sit down
4.  watch (them) it
5.  keep still
6.  smile
7.  touch your heart...take it all in
8.  keep on watching...wanting to touch and feel (them) it
9.  'thinking' you want to 'remember' THIS moment for ever
10. jump up and get a camera..anything that can shoot a photo
11. remind yourself to do it quietly
12. snap...snap...snap...
13. continue your day with a smile on your face, a warmth in your heart and memory that you can go back to when ever you need to s l o w d o w n.
14. treasure (them) / it / your life.