a joy*

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” 

― Rumi

re-entering*

friends of mine who attend retreats in america always talks about 're-entering' their lives after attending such said retreat.  it surely feels as if i'm re-entering kuala lumpur on an emotional level. 

yesterday was all about gratitude and love for our families and friends in south africa, of the opportunity  we were given to live overseas, of coming 'home' with all the photos and videos and memories of the most amazing 3 weeks spent in our country. of possibilities and even more opportunities that this year can hold for us. 

yesterday i was literally riding the wave of (emotional) joy and happiness. my heart was full. 

from left to right: my brother, willem, marcel (my husband), sue (my little sis), my dad and in the back 

Elizma (my sister-in-love). they bring out the best and worst of me..hehe... 

 cousins - instant connections 

 cousins in the bath

today, my heart is full.

but the emotions are different.  the gratitude is still there. the memories are overpowering good, but i put myself in a situation today where i had to be brave and step up for what i believe in and it felt like being brave was too hard to do.  i burst out in tears.  it was feelings of leaving my family and friends in south africa, of choosing to live so far away. of my children asking where their cousins and grand-parents are and we acting as if it is normal to live so far apart. feelings of getting back in routine, of being strong and brave and supporting my children where they can not. of raising them to be responsible, wild and free little ones within the cultural acceptance here in malaysia.

 marcel, chantal (sister-in-love), paul (brother-in-love) and me

 my father-in-love, photo taken 2am and he really wanted to sleep..hehe 

 my sweet mother-in-love... 

feelings of missing my mom and knowing that should i ever return to her home, the house we grew up in, there will be nothing of her. nothing. she now only lives in our memories. feelings of life that goes on for others and me who still want to hold onto her things... her clothes, her books... things that reminded me of her.  the only thing i could find of my mom (between everything that was going to be thrown away) was her wedding dress. i packed it in. it is here, with me in malaysia. sounds crazy. grief is crazy.  totally totally weird.

 bella and beth

having daddy with us every.single.day for 3 weeks... every minute of every day... nothing beats that!  

 my sister-in-love, Elizma

but all these emotions are true to my heart. i felt them. some days i still feel them.  some days they linger and stay for a while.  today was not the day to push them away and 'act' as if everything is fantastic. living overseas you sometime have to 'fake it till you make it'.  life is great. yes! we choose to make our life amazing and we live it to the fullest every.single.day.

ouma net and bella

but today, to be brave and far from the people that ground you and challenge you and fill your heart with joy, to realise you are here, and only you can make the choices as to how you are going to live this one and precious life, alone, was hard.

and then we go to bed.
we wake up tomorrow morning.
and a new day has begun xx

home*

Our hearts are full! 

Yesterday we arrived home after a 21 hour flight from South Africa! (the kids were angels).

We realised (again) how much we love our country. 

We know how much we are loved by our families.

We look forward to the day that we pack our belongings and go back to South Africa for good.   

We had 3 weeks of tremendous laughter! and giggles, of cousins and connections that only happens in families, (that thing about 'ties that bind' - yes!), weeks of sea and sand and blue blue skies, of colder weather (which we loved!), of beskuit (rusks) and meat and potjiekos and lots of wine, weeks of going to bed late at night and getting up early to capture the day (not! the kids woke up early..hehe). We had the most amazing 3 weeks with our families in our home country, South Africa. 

Just before we left we were contacted by a lady to adopt a baby boy... unfortunately he has been adopted by another family and we are excitingly waiting for our baby.  Praying that he/she will arrive at exactly the right time as we know that God knows every little and big detail.  

I will post more about all of the above in the next few weeks. 

Heart full. 

Kids (very) happy (and awake :-) 

Dreaming. Praying. Trusting. Knowing. 

when i look into her eyes*

i loved her before i even met her. i had one photo of her and 2 days later after the excitement of the call i was staring at her in the only photo we had, looking for little things that can tell me more about who she is, when i realised how sad she looked. i burst out in tears. 

i wanted to pick her up and hold her. i wanted to tell her how much she is loved and wanted. i wanted to tell her how long we have waited for HER and how many prayers we've asked to get to her... how long it took to hold our baby in our arms... i wanted to rock her and sing her to sleep... i wanted to trace her little face with my finger and stare into her eyes and with my eyes, without one word, she would feel how much we loved her. 

the first night she slept in her own cot, with her mama and daddy right next to her, she did not wake. she slept for hours on end. we were waiting in the lounge for her to make a peep so that we 'have to' pick her up... but she didn't wake. with every movement i jumped up and ran to the room, to see that she is still sleeping. disappointed i turned around, because my mom said you don't wake a sleeping baby :-).  at 9 o'clock that evening she turned around and made a tiny sound, on which i ran to the room and i swooped her up in my arms and started talking to her... with the idea to wake her. i just couldn't wait any more.. i wanted to talk to my daughter. 

everything about that conversation was magical. 

it's one year later.  she is in awe of everything around her. her eyes lit up when she sees her daddy and every morning the first person she looks for and call is 'ba-ba' (boeta).. her brother.  when she sees her brother she gets a little jump in her feet as if she is getting ready for take-off. she totally adores him. he asked me the other day why she always follows him (and he is only 5....imagine when he is 10!)... the only answer i had for him is that he is her superhero. we are what her life is about.

on the evening of 22/08/11, she became a daughter, a sister, a daddy's girl, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend loved my many many people. she made our family rich and happy. we are the luckiest people alive that God chose us to parent this little beautiful girl.

today, i looked into her little eyes and i saw something different...a challenge, a 'i want to see what mama is going to do' look, and i knew it was just the beginning of this little brave girl for whom our social worker had to fight to get her place in our family. i saw determination to get what is hers and i saw adventure... 

today i saw her fierceness and passion to stand up for herself, i saw braveness and softness all at once. i saw a little girl who has changed so much since that first little photo... i see happiness. 

'the' call*

today a year ago, i went for a 2 hour massage. i was sad and found myself walking into baby shops all the time. i would look at everything i would buy, 'should i have a baby'. then i would choose some things for friends' babies to get totally overwhelmed.  i would leave everything just there and leave the shop.  this specific day, overwhelmed did not come close to what i was feeling.  i couldn't understand why some people could just add to their families by deciding to get pregnant, get pregnant and 9 months later they had a baby.  i  was not even jealous of them... just so sad that we cannot do the same. so i went for a massage and just before the lady started i prayed to God and totally surrendered. i told Him i give up. i don't understand any of this and i'm so tired of trying to make sense of it. i surrender.  i know He knows better for us, but i'm not in this any more.  i remember clearly thinking 'whatever'...thinking that this was the end of our road to have more children.

2 hours later as i was walking into our apartment in kuala lumpur, marcel said: 'lin, here is a text message for you'.  you should phone back immediately.

i was still so overwhelmed by our loss of not being able to naturally 'just conceive', sad because i surrendered and i wanted to embrace and feel this loss that i've been carrying with me for so many years; all that i really wanted to do was take a bath and go to sleep.

but i phoned.

'how soon can you be back in south africa? i'm flying on monday to pick up your baby daughter'. 

that evening we changed our return flights to that tuesday (it was friday), and on the thursday we picked up our baby girl at the airport in cape town, south africa.

today, a year ago, we got 'the call' that any prospective adopting parent waits for... today a year ago our family grew from 3 to 4 and we got our baby girl.

the only other information we got was that she is beautiful and nearly 3 months old.  after we said our goodbyes the first thought i had was 'what is her name?" so i phoned the social worker again and her answer was... i could hear the smile through the distance... 'bella'.

that night i could not fall asleep. our social worker sent us a photo of our baby girl and she was beautiful.  i saw her sweet face all the time and could not get out of my  mind how sad she looked in the photos. i wanted to cry. i wanted to scoop her up into my arms and hold her tight, i wanted to hug her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear... i wanted her to know she has a mama, a mama and a daddy that loves her with everything in us... i wanted her to know that she is loved. and wanted. and treasured. i wanted her to know in that moment how much we loved her.

i had a dream that night... it felt as if i 'connected' with her and that she knew we were on our way... it was surreal and real and i got this feeling that she knew i was her mama... even though we have not met.

she knew.

today, a year ago, our hearts were filled with love for a little brown-eyed curly hair girl who is feisty and wild. the day i held her for the first time, my whole heart was filled.  that feeling of 'longing and need to hold our baby' was exchange with a feeling of disbelieve, of magical dreams coming true, of prayers answered, of God knowing our hearts and who's timing is perfect.

a year ago the universe gave birth to our baby girl, bella xx

truth on happy*

1.  happy is in your heart
2.  it shows on your face
3.  happy is here
4.  in the present moment
5.  happy is dreams
6.  it is living in them
7.  happy is giggles and laughter
8.  it is a feeling so full, your heart can burst
9.  happy is family
10. and friends
11. connection
12. understanding
13. truth
14. to be seen
15. love is happy
16. right here, right now