re-entering*

friends of mine who attend retreats in america always talks about 're-entering' their lives after attending such said retreat.  it surely feels as if i'm re-entering kuala lumpur on an emotional level. 

yesterday was all about gratitude and love for our families and friends in south africa, of the opportunity  we were given to live overseas, of coming 'home' with all the photos and videos and memories of the most amazing 3 weeks spent in our country. of possibilities and even more opportunities that this year can hold for us. 

yesterday i was literally riding the wave of (emotional) joy and happiness. my heart was full. 

from left to right: my brother, willem, marcel (my husband), sue (my little sis), my dad and in the back 

Elizma (my sister-in-love). they bring out the best and worst of me..hehe... 

 cousins - instant connections 

 cousins in the bath

today, my heart is full.

but the emotions are different.  the gratitude is still there. the memories are overpowering good, but i put myself in a situation today where i had to be brave and step up for what i believe in and it felt like being brave was too hard to do.  i burst out in tears.  it was feelings of leaving my family and friends in south africa, of choosing to live so far away. of my children asking where their cousins and grand-parents are and we acting as if it is normal to live so far apart. feelings of getting back in routine, of being strong and brave and supporting my children where they can not. of raising them to be responsible, wild and free little ones within the cultural acceptance here in malaysia.

 marcel, chantal (sister-in-love), paul (brother-in-love) and me

 my father-in-love, photo taken 2am and he really wanted to sleep..hehe 

 my sweet mother-in-love... 

feelings of missing my mom and knowing that should i ever return to her home, the house we grew up in, there will be nothing of her. nothing. she now only lives in our memories. feelings of life that goes on for others and me who still want to hold onto her things... her clothes, her books... things that reminded me of her.  the only thing i could find of my mom (between everything that was going to be thrown away) was her wedding dress. i packed it in. it is here, with me in malaysia. sounds crazy. grief is crazy.  totally totally weird.

 bella and beth

having daddy with us every.single.day for 3 weeks... every minute of every day... nothing beats that!  

 my sister-in-love, Elizma

but all these emotions are true to my heart. i felt them. some days i still feel them.  some days they linger and stay for a while.  today was not the day to push them away and 'act' as if everything is fantastic. living overseas you sometime have to 'fake it till you make it'.  life is great. yes! we choose to make our life amazing and we live it to the fullest every.single.day.

ouma net and bella

but today, to be brave and far from the people that ground you and challenge you and fill your heart with joy, to realise you are here, and only you can make the choices as to how you are going to live this one and precious life, alone, was hard.

and then we go to bed.
we wake up tomorrow morning.
and a new day has begun xx

magic* (and a little bit on grieving infertility)

Last night we watched this movie and within 10 minutes of watching i burst out crying, deep, heavy crying of past hurt and sadness for their story.  

it's just a movie. a story of two people who tried everything to get pregnant and have children. but it did not happen. she went to the doctors, which gave them their fate - you will never be able to have your own children. that night, before 'moving on', the two of them sat on the couch and talked about what 'their kid would be like'. everything their kid would achieve and be. loved and be loved. then they realised it will just be that, dreams... wishes... they put them all in a box and buried the box in their backyard.  

many a night my husband and i sat dreaming and talking about what 'our children' one day will be like. we went into every detail.... what they would look like. how they would act towards other people... how we want our children to grow up to be kind and compassionate people with hearts so full of love, that they will change the world. we imagined how much joy they would bring to the world, how they would love life and everything about it. how much we would love them.  how we would never be able to imagine our lives without them... how our hearts would burst with love and joy all in once. 

for us, that too, was just dreams... wishes... because we were not destined to have our own children.  this movie took me (us) back into our infertility journey, slab dab right in the middle of our grief.  i cried like i have not cried in the past few years... the crying and tears coming from the depths of my soul. i did not realised that i can still cry about something i've cried for over 10years... 10 years of waiting and hoping and praying for a child... the never-ending hurting and sadness of not being able to have our own children. 

we went to bed talking about the beautiful children who lost their lives in the shooting on friday in connecticut... and the millions of children who will never know what it feels like to be loved, to have a mommy and a daddy, their own family, the millions of children who would never know what it feels like to be hugged and loved by 'their mommy and daddy', all the while watching our 2 beautiful children sleep.  our hearts aching for what we (thought) we could never have. the (gratitude and) magnitude of the one wish we had of being a mommy and a daddy, which God answered for us through the magic of adoption. 

we cried ourselves to sleep last night. my last thoughts were of the healing that is still taking place 5 years later after our prayer of becoming parents were answered... i told m3 

'healing is still taking place... God knew what He was doing'. 

breakfast in bed

playing doll in the tent

the magic of music and wanting to learn...

the magic of gratitude & little notes in little xmas trees

i had the most perfect moment on sunday... my aunt and godchild was sharing their creative juices with

some xmas magic... my (OUR) children were running around laughing and screaming... 

the magic of a little boy... Father Xmas came last night and 'forgot' one of his gifts on the table (because Father Xmas was testing it out..hehe.. ). this morning kellen saw it, asked about it and then when he wanted to show us, it just disappeared.  he left a note and picture of the gift to remind Father Xmas.  the note reads:  'Father Xmas, green ipad please'. :-)

the magic is every where... look around you... 

how many nights of despair and sadness were there. days of being angry with God for not responding. for not making one understand why? why not us? isn't that what You promised each of us in the Bible? what did i do wrong? make me understand this! you call out to God from the depths of your soul. you want to know..you NEED to know what the plan is He has for your life, because in the moments of despair and sadness, nothing, absolute nothing makes sense.

i wished and prayed for children even when i was not praying. i lived praying for them. holding onto God's promise for us.

He delivered. not the way we thought He would. our children did not come through us.

but He gave us our children through His love.

we are a mama and daddy, because of His love for us. and His love for them.

we will raise our children to know and love God, for He surely am the beginning and the end.

tips on living the life you imagined*

Life is good. One can really live the life one imagined... it usually is in the day to day living that one realize 'aha! i have imagined a life so full and rich of love and this is it'.

many a night i've imagined how we walk in the rain.... go for walks in the rain... enjoy the rain on your skin.... feel the soft drops of love pitter patter on your skin...

many a night i 've imagined how my children develop en grow...we've been stretching and reaching to be our best selfs... we've been growing and making mistakes and laughing about them... but we always stand up and try again...

many a night i've imagined how we will talk about the beginning and the end of things/life....death is inevitable. it's a subject we talk about in our house. 'fish-fish' decided to move on... we had a funeral, there were some tears and lots of love...

many a night i've imagined how we would read together in bed.  try something new. late mornings in bed with a good good book... getting excited about new possibilities...

many a night i've imagined how our children get into bed with us for cuddles... morning cuddles... or is it more like midnight cuddles leading into morning cuddles...  oh how many a night did i dream about this.... 

many a night i've imagined how i will spend time with my children individually.... it's so important to spend time with each of our children separately.  with kellen it is easy.. he wants to go to a coffee shop, have a doughnut and a juice and chat...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to feed my children healthy and nutritious meals....this girl loves meat, she sure knows how to eat a piece of chicken.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to take good care of their bodies... brushing teeth is a fun and playful thing in our house... we walk around and dance and hum while we take care of our teeth.

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my little ones to make friends... to be gentle and kind...

many a night i've imagined how my babies are going to sit on my lap and we are going to swing into the sunset...

many a night i've imagined how i take my children to the park...how they cycle and climb and slide... magic...

may a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach them about safety... no problem. you just don't allow anything else than being safe...hehe...

many a night i've imagined how we are traveling the world... how i teach my children that they have the world at their feet... opportunities to expand their worlds... to spread their wings and to fly...

many a night i've imagined how sometimes we will do things we are not proud off or happy about... we try something new that didn't quite work out the way we imagined... we cry, we forgive (ourselves) and we move on... that is what life is about... your try out everything and you do those that make your heart sing!

many a night i've imagined our children being goofy, funny and wild, i've imagined them being kind and soft and caring...

many a night i've imagined how i will stand over their bed/cot and watch them sleep.... these moments, watching them is sleep, are some of the most precious and dear to my heart...

many a night i've imagined how i'm going to teach my children to stand in their light and be proud of themselves.

many a night i've imagined how we go on picnics with treasured friends in beautiful gardens with fountains and geese and ice-cream...

many a night i've imagined my children being creative and free... this designer at the south sea restaurant is just that.  this is in the gents bathroom, kellen is taking a wee and that is their view...brilliant!

many a night i've imagined this life i'm living, not feeling as if it is ever going to happen. the waiting was so hard, the not understanding so not understandable...

but here we are. 10 years later and we are living the life we always imagined.

YOUR dreams are coming true as we speak xx

i want to remember*

i want to remember how brave he was on his first day. he walked into the hall and sat next to his friends, looking behind him every now and then to making eye-contact with me...

i want to remember how when he walked into his new class, he bravely let go of my hand and went to the back of the class to play with the cars...

i want to remember how proud i was of him when he told me i can go now, he has to stay in his new class

i want to remember how this mama stood around, wanting to stay, but bravely turned around and left

i want to remember how excited i was to pick him.. how he stood there and when he looked up...

he saw me and gave me the biggest, most beautiful smile...

i want to remember how happy he was to see me... and kept eye-contact until he had to go stand in the row

i want to remember how big he was and waited patiently until his teacher opened the door

i want to remember how proud i was of him

i want to remember how he told me to go wait with the other mommies, how he looked at me and showed me to come to him... how obedient he was and waited until his teacher told him that he can go to me...

i want to remember how he hugged me and held me a few minutes longer than usual...

i want to remember how he woke up in the mornings with questions about school...

i want to remember how excited he got when we walked up to his class...

i want to remember how tired he was when i picked him up in the afternoons... and how he said 'i just want to rest a little bit'...

i want to remember how the first thing he say when i pick him up is: 'mama, i'm hungry'.

i want to remember how he asked me on the 4th day:
him: 'mama, until what age must i stay in school?'
me: 'until you are 18, why are you asking'.
him: 'i don't like school, i have to do what they tell me to do all the time and i want to do what i want to do'.

we're still here*

We are still here! We found the easter eggs, but now the little bunnies are missing! :-)

(just teasing...heehee)  Happy Easter!

facts:
*  flying to malaysia on tuesday, 17/04 at 11h30
*  no suitcases packed (yet)
*  no packing either (and we are moving with all our belongings)
*  no stress..really.
*  kids are happiness overload
*  biggest lesson learned in last week: patience live in the now... (thank you Jenica xx)
*  movers arrive thursday morning between 09h30 and 10am...really. they told us.
*  on saturday our house will be empty, except for us, each with our own suitcase, air ticket & passport (insert huge smile here)
*  still reliving this past weekend with family
*  playing songs in my head
*  laughing ( a lot!)

overall...

just happy xx

truth is patience*

this is the most beautiful little soul of a friend of mine... a friend who waited with me, (only 10 years longer than us) to have her own little miracle. 'magically' 2 months after we got bella, she got her little angel. she (the baby) is funny, calm, sweet, sleep through the night... she seems like an old soul... looking at you as if she knows things you don't, just like my two.  i guess it is about their history. how their stories were intertwined with ours... how a Higher hand decided this is how it is going to be... we are so lucky... so blessed...

today two companies came to give us quotes for our move.  they start packing tuesday, 10/04/12. we fly to malaysia on tuesday, 17/04. how do i feel? i think it struck me yesterday that we are moving countries. trying to stay 'calm' and together these last few months. i took a photo that says 'happiness is an inside job'... and asked 'where does patience live'.  an amazing friend & mama 4 wrote back... 'in the NOW'.  powerful stuff.

it's like watching this little baby. looking at you.... looking away... and you can see she is thinking something... wow!

in the now. here. now. 12h50am. tired. ready to go. but first we are going to do some easter egg hunting this weekend. we'll have to be very sly as kellen said: 'i want to catch that bunny, and then i'm going to pull of his head, because i know it is a real human underneath'.

it's amazing how things work out the way it is suppose to. my friend and i sitting on the kitchen floor with a cup of tea, feeding our babies... i still get excited just thinking about that sentence... a baby cries... we look at each other and say: 'it's your baby, that is not my baby's cry'... magical... being in the moment, in the now, Jenica! that's patience! (thank you!) xx

tips on living life (and playing catch-up)*

Let's start this post with a VERY HAPPY smile... 

Good day, my name is Lin and I'm trying to play catch up 

being a mama to 2 children, a wife to one husband (hehe), 

a business woman (to myself) and an entrepeneur (to prove to myself that i can really do it all). 

Then I'm not even speaking about my other parts...sister, friend, daughter, domestic goddess (!), 

lover of life (this is for my brother..hehe)... 

I've been wanting to sit down and take different events/days in our lives and write about it. And puff... it's February. I realised it is never going to happen, so instead I'm being honest with myself (and you) and am going to give you a peek into our lives these last few months.  Let's see... enjoy the ride and take note of the tips... (insert big smile here...) 

Smile to strangers, your husband, look your children in their eyes..and smile.... 

We've been living in 'happy'....giggles, laughter, a few tears (because my mom always says 

'van lekker lag kom lekker huil')... living in extreme love 

Watch the sun rise & listen how the world comes to life. 

We've been watching the sun rise...seeing that our little girl wakes up at 5:30.... but it was only a thing...the mama has found the trick... and now she is sleeping until 07:30...magical... 

we've been living the magic (happening) in our life...

Love every season.

We've been seeking out the blue skies of this absolute perfect summer! 

We've been outside, embracing the heat and loving every drop of sweat... 

Climb that mountain, come-on! you can do it! 

We've been climbing our own mountains.... Kellen started EC2 in his school, 

Bella is sitting and crawling.... for the adults...normal stuff like balancing the cheque book, 

balancing time with the family, sneeking in me-time :-) and trying to get more hours of sleep :-) 

Spend time with YOUR wife/husband & children. 

Family outings are as important as 'me-time'. With our beautiful weather we've been 

spending lots of time at the beach walking and playing and laughing...

treasuring every moment we have together.... 

Find love. 

Love find us everywhere! Every day, every hour.

We and 'Love' have became best friends. 

Be courageous & funny. 

To truly grow within ourselves, we have to face the daily challenges with 

courage and humor.  Hehe...in this photo Bella is tasting some new form of food... 

as you can see definitely not her favorite.... 

Go for a walk. Get out of your head.

Every day is a good day to go for a walk...make it beautiful.  

Look for the beauty in every step and treasure it... 

Challenge yourself... 

every.single.day. 

i dare you.

Be kind to yourself. 

Wrap yourself up in love...

Don't be so hard on yourself. 

You can try again tomorrow. 

Celebrate. 

for no reason. 

Get balloons, blow them up, play with them and then... 

then jump on them and burst it! 

Yell and giggle. 

Don't look too far ahead. 

Only focus on the now. 

Here, right here, is more than enough. 

Look for the beauty & say thank you.

There are 2 roads that I can drive to Kellen's school. 

I choose the 10minute longer one... 

for it's beauty... it reminds me that we live in the most beautiful country, 

i love the mountains, the winelands, the blue skies... 

i feel grateful & happy. 

Be innovative. 

Try new things. If you wonder about something, experiment and try something else. 

Don't just except an answer. Question and question some more. 

But keep in mind that sometimes the answer can just be: it is what it is.  

Surround yourself with people that inspire you.  Make a mess. Clean up. 

Spend time with friends that really 'sees you'.  

Have fun. Be honest. Open your home for them.

Look people in their eyes when they speak to you. It's good manners. 

Be proud of who you are.  

Pick strawberries. 

It's such fun. And so hot. 

You'll be grateful. With every bite into that delicious strawberry you will be so proud of yourself, 

for picking it yourself, for 'trying something new', for doing it. 

Exercise (or play on your bed). (hehe) 

Be different. 

Be courageous and try something new... 

the new hairstyle, the new dance style, that dress you always wanted to have...

go out and do it. Even if it means your brother has to encourage you all the way. 

Make a mess. 

Clean it, don't clean it. Stop trying to be so perfect. You have permission to 

let loose and do something outrageous! 

NOW is the perfect time. 

Don't wait for 'one day' to do something...if you hear the whisper... do it. 

Be proud of who you are. 

Lift your chinny-chin-chin (like Kellen would say)  and say loud and clear 

'I am ..... and I'm proud of who I am'. 

Get a different view/opinion. 

Sometimes you are in your head too much and your vision get blurred. 

It takes one person to give you a new perspective. 

It's great, try it. 

Surrender.

let someone take care of you.

you are so loved. 

Rest in the knowledge that you are love(d).

Love someone... love yourself.  

Stand in your power. 

know who you are. 

watch a sunset. 

embrace life.