re-entering*

friends of mine who attend retreats in america always talks about 're-entering' their lives after attending such said retreat.  it surely feels as if i'm re-entering kuala lumpur on an emotional level. 

yesterday was all about gratitude and love for our families and friends in south africa, of the opportunity  we were given to live overseas, of coming 'home' with all the photos and videos and memories of the most amazing 3 weeks spent in our country. of possibilities and even more opportunities that this year can hold for us. 

yesterday i was literally riding the wave of (emotional) joy and happiness. my heart was full. 

from left to right: my brother, willem, marcel (my husband), sue (my little sis), my dad and in the back 

Elizma (my sister-in-love). they bring out the best and worst of me..hehe... 

 cousins - instant connections 

 cousins in the bath

today, my heart is full.

but the emotions are different.  the gratitude is still there. the memories are overpowering good, but i put myself in a situation today where i had to be brave and step up for what i believe in and it felt like being brave was too hard to do.  i burst out in tears.  it was feelings of leaving my family and friends in south africa, of choosing to live so far away. of my children asking where their cousins and grand-parents are and we acting as if it is normal to live so far apart. feelings of getting back in routine, of being strong and brave and supporting my children where they can not. of raising them to be responsible, wild and free little ones within the cultural acceptance here in malaysia.

 marcel, chantal (sister-in-love), paul (brother-in-love) and me

 my father-in-love, photo taken 2am and he really wanted to sleep..hehe 

 my sweet mother-in-love... 

feelings of missing my mom and knowing that should i ever return to her home, the house we grew up in, there will be nothing of her. nothing. she now only lives in our memories. feelings of life that goes on for others and me who still want to hold onto her things... her clothes, her books... things that reminded me of her.  the only thing i could find of my mom (between everything that was going to be thrown away) was her wedding dress. i packed it in. it is here, with me in malaysia. sounds crazy. grief is crazy.  totally totally weird.

 bella and beth

having daddy with us every.single.day for 3 weeks... every minute of every day... nothing beats that!  

 my sister-in-love, Elizma

but all these emotions are true to my heart. i felt them. some days i still feel them.  some days they linger and stay for a while.  today was not the day to push them away and 'act' as if everything is fantastic. living overseas you sometime have to 'fake it till you make it'.  life is great. yes! we choose to make our life amazing and we live it to the fullest every.single.day.

ouma net and bella

but today, to be brave and far from the people that ground you and challenge you and fill your heart with joy, to realise you are here, and only you can make the choices as to how you are going to live this one and precious life, alone, was hard.

and then we go to bed.
we wake up tomorrow morning.
and a new day has begun xx

magic* (and a little bit on grieving infertility)

Last night we watched this movie and within 10 minutes of watching i burst out crying, deep, heavy crying of past hurt and sadness for their story.  

it's just a movie. a story of two people who tried everything to get pregnant and have children. but it did not happen. she went to the doctors, which gave them their fate - you will never be able to have your own children. that night, before 'moving on', the two of them sat on the couch and talked about what 'their kid would be like'. everything their kid would achieve and be. loved and be loved. then they realised it will just be that, dreams... wishes... they put them all in a box and buried the box in their backyard.  

many a night my husband and i sat dreaming and talking about what 'our children' one day will be like. we went into every detail.... what they would look like. how they would act towards other people... how we want our children to grow up to be kind and compassionate people with hearts so full of love, that they will change the world. we imagined how much joy they would bring to the world, how they would love life and everything about it. how much we would love them.  how we would never be able to imagine our lives without them... how our hearts would burst with love and joy all in once. 

for us, that too, was just dreams... wishes... because we were not destined to have our own children.  this movie took me (us) back into our infertility journey, slab dab right in the middle of our grief.  i cried like i have not cried in the past few years... the crying and tears coming from the depths of my soul. i did not realised that i can still cry about something i've cried for over 10years... 10 years of waiting and hoping and praying for a child... the never-ending hurting and sadness of not being able to have our own children. 

we went to bed talking about the beautiful children who lost their lives in the shooting on friday in connecticut... and the millions of children who will never know what it feels like to be loved, to have a mommy and a daddy, their own family, the millions of children who would never know what it feels like to be hugged and loved by 'their mommy and daddy', all the while watching our 2 beautiful children sleep.  our hearts aching for what we (thought) we could never have. the (gratitude and) magnitude of the one wish we had of being a mommy and a daddy, which God answered for us through the magic of adoption. 

we cried ourselves to sleep last night. my last thoughts were of the healing that is still taking place 5 years later after our prayer of becoming parents were answered... i told m3 

'healing is still taking place... God knew what He was doing'. 

breakfast in bed

playing doll in the tent

the magic of music and wanting to learn...

the magic of gratitude & little notes in little xmas trees

i had the most perfect moment on sunday... my aunt and godchild was sharing their creative juices with

some xmas magic... my (OUR) children were running around laughing and screaming... 

the magic of a little boy... Father Xmas came last night and 'forgot' one of his gifts on the table (because Father Xmas was testing it out..hehe.. ). this morning kellen saw it, asked about it and then when he wanted to show us, it just disappeared.  he left a note and picture of the gift to remind Father Xmas.  the note reads:  'Father Xmas, green ipad please'. :-)

the magic is every where... look around you... 

how many nights of despair and sadness were there. days of being angry with God for not responding. for not making one understand why? why not us? isn't that what You promised each of us in the Bible? what did i do wrong? make me understand this! you call out to God from the depths of your soul. you want to know..you NEED to know what the plan is He has for your life, because in the moments of despair and sadness, nothing, absolute nothing makes sense.

i wished and prayed for children even when i was not praying. i lived praying for them. holding onto God's promise for us.

He delivered. not the way we thought He would. our children did not come through us.

but He gave us our children through His love.

we are a mama and daddy, because of His love for us. and His love for them.

we will raise our children to know and love God, for He surely am the beginning and the end.

'the' call*

today a year ago, i went for a 2 hour massage. i was sad and found myself walking into baby shops all the time. i would look at everything i would buy, 'should i have a baby'. then i would choose some things for friends' babies to get totally overwhelmed.  i would leave everything just there and leave the shop.  this specific day, overwhelmed did not come close to what i was feeling.  i couldn't understand why some people could just add to their families by deciding to get pregnant, get pregnant and 9 months later they had a baby.  i  was not even jealous of them... just so sad that we cannot do the same. so i went for a massage and just before the lady started i prayed to God and totally surrendered. i told Him i give up. i don't understand any of this and i'm so tired of trying to make sense of it. i surrender.  i know He knows better for us, but i'm not in this any more.  i remember clearly thinking 'whatever'...thinking that this was the end of our road to have more children.

2 hours later as i was walking into our apartment in kuala lumpur, marcel said: 'lin, here is a text message for you'.  you should phone back immediately.

i was still so overwhelmed by our loss of not being able to naturally 'just conceive', sad because i surrendered and i wanted to embrace and feel this loss that i've been carrying with me for so many years; all that i really wanted to do was take a bath and go to sleep.

but i phoned.

'how soon can you be back in south africa? i'm flying on monday to pick up your baby daughter'. 

that evening we changed our return flights to that tuesday (it was friday), and on the thursday we picked up our baby girl at the airport in cape town, south africa.

today, a year ago, we got 'the call' that any prospective adopting parent waits for... today a year ago our family grew from 3 to 4 and we got our baby girl.

the only other information we got was that she is beautiful and nearly 3 months old.  after we said our goodbyes the first thought i had was 'what is her name?" so i phoned the social worker again and her answer was... i could hear the smile through the distance... 'bella'.

that night i could not fall asleep. our social worker sent us a photo of our baby girl and she was beautiful.  i saw her sweet face all the time and could not get out of my  mind how sad she looked in the photos. i wanted to cry. i wanted to scoop her up into my arms and hold her tight, i wanted to hug her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear... i wanted her to know she has a mama, a mama and a daddy that loves her with everything in us... i wanted her to know that she is loved. and wanted. and treasured. i wanted her to know in that moment how much we loved her.

i had a dream that night... it felt as if i 'connected' with her and that she knew we were on our way... it was surreal and real and i got this feeling that she knew i was her mama... even though we have not met.

she knew.

today, a year ago, our hearts were filled with love for a little brown-eyed curly hair girl who is feisty and wild. the day i held her for the first time, my whole heart was filled.  that feeling of 'longing and need to hold our baby' was exchange with a feeling of disbelieve, of magical dreams coming true, of prayers answered, of God knowing our hearts and who's timing is perfect.

a year ago the universe gave birth to our baby girl, bella xx

tips on embracing infertility, an old sad memory*

1.  be brave and do it

2.  take the frames out, put them on the table

3.  get the photos of the last year out

4.  glow in the light of love

5.  cherish every single moment you captured with your camera

6.  feel gratitude

7.  let the happiness push up in your body... feeling as if it's going to run over

8.  stand back and smile

9.  hit the nail in the wall

10.  hang the photo frame

11.  live in the now

2 years ago, on a(nother) day that i longed for a baby, i went to a shop and bought R1 500 worth of photo frames.  Today, i organized the photos to put them in.  750 (plus) days later, i've grieved enough over our infertility and am i ready to let go of that memory/feeling. my heart is full. i am happy.

*thoughts/feelings on infertility ( memories in my mind the last 5 hours)... 

if you visit here often and know me, you will know that i always try to write about the positive things in my life... to use a negative event/feeling and to turn it around into something good.. .something that can add to your life too. after taking out the empty frames and writing this post, i've been 'embracing' those memories... letting them slip out... but i don't think that they will wander far... as i cherish them too, for they have been part of me for such a long time.

the day that i bought these frames, my heart was broken. for 10 years i (we)'ve been praying for a baby. i've been angry with God and then i would stop praying. the longing, the in-depth need to hold a baby, not necessarily from my womb, any baby, that i could mother was so overwhelming and real...it blindsided me to anything else in life.  the thoughts of God not thinking that i am enough to mother, of what-else-must-i-do-to-show God that i'm worthy of this experience, this love, His love.  i couldn't bring together my life and how God viewed me... what did i do wrong? did He not love me enough to answer these prayers... what else must i do? how many years still, do i have to wait?

for most of the time these were the conversations i was having with Him. every.single.day.  most days the sadness was there. you wish you can understand it, but (most days) it was a deep, calm, sadness... like a photo of solitude. nothing. no ripples on the water. just sadness.  it can be a beautiful feeling.  for me it was. somewhere there must be an explanation for all this sadness.  somewhere in here, He must love me to teach me such beauty in sadness.  you paddle. you breath. you cry. you stop crying. you pray. you stop praying. you want to scream. but you don't. can't anybody see that i'm drowning? can someone help me?

and then. out of nowhere, the sadness goes deeper. you breath. you smile. you know it's happening. you trust in the process. you get up and you do what you have to do to show sadness that life is good. people love me. i am loved. (you want to ask: 'am i', )but you let that one slip, because the sun is out. it's shining. you are smiling, drifting on the sadness. you think you are riding the wave, but you know it will surface. again. when you least expect it. you hold on to hope, other people's stories. you pray. you smile. (and you pray some more).

sadness is not a joke. it cannot be fixed. it's a feeling that has to be loved and cherished, you have to feel it. you have to cry and scold and swear and forgive. you have to love even more, for the sadness will not be there if there was not the most extraordinary good thing in your life. the yin and yang. the darkness and light. the empty photo frames in the corner and the beautiful photo frames against the wall.

the sadness and the happiness.