i love art*

she is brilliant xx

memories & your handwriting*

you never really understand the depths of love for your child, whether through birth or adoption, until you hold that little one in your arms.  i remember absolute awe and gratitude, a feeling of a circle coming full... of the most amazing experience of my life... to hold that little one, look into their eyes and all that you feel is pure love...

then we all grow up and have this idea of the relationship we have with our parents.  i was sorting a box and came upon albums of photos when i was a baby...  photos of my mom and dad and me.. just the 3 of us...  when i was 6 days old... 3 months... 10 months... a year.

my mom passed away 3 years ago... i miss her every day.  i miss everything about her.
these albums were put together by her,
with her thoughts,
written in her handwriting,
the pen held by her hand.

the photos taken by my dad,
the thoughts behind the capturing of each of these,
the camera held in his hands.

i imagine their hearts bursting with happiness and love,
their relationship as husband and wife strengthening,
their love deepened.

 9 january 1975, my mom in the beginning stages of birthing me

my mom & i

i see the awe and gratitude, a softness in her gaze... 

my dad and i, camping

i'm going to make photo books for every year of our children's lives. i've decided today that i will keep the space where the comments must come, blank, so that i can write a caption, with a pen held in my hand, in my handwriting, for my children. my thoughts... my handwriting... which i know they will treasure one day when they have their own children. 

i've been writing letters to my children since they were born. i have a letter for that i've written to 'our baby' in october 2010... bellas was conceived in september... i wrote i could feel that she (had a feeling it was a little girl) was on her way to us... 

you should too. write letters to your children. not type. write. with a pen on paper and keep it for them.  

you should tell them in letters or short notes how much you love them.  one day when you have left, those are the things they will treasure the most. 

go write. 

my 'anerma'

in the swimming pool, 1am on new years eve, pangkor

a few years ago i took my husbands phone to read his emails to find out what he has been working on at work, as to when he tells me about it, the words won't seem so outer space.  then, i found some text messages from a girl which seemed to me, quite intimate. i felt uncomfortable and thought, 'this is not right. who is this girl'? at that stage he told me about a rep whom he was talking to quite often and i thought that was she.  when i asked him about these text messages, he burst out laughing and told me 'Anerma' was aunty Elnette. Anerma means 'other mom' in text messaging/spelling and it was hilarious.  

my mom's cousin, aunty Elnette and her daughter, our goddaughter, Beth has been visiting us for the last month (and beth for the last 3 months) in Malaysia.  it is as if they are part of our everyday life and is how it is suppose to be.  we joke and say that the family will 'connect' on a deeper level for years to come... aunty Elnette is 20 years older than i am, i am 14 years older than beth and she is 18 years older than kellen.  the connection is there and nothing in the world will ever change the bond all of us have.  i treasure this. family. connection. people who truly see me/us for who we are. who don't expect us to be anybody but ourselves.  they just get us. no expectations, no explaining, just love. 

my aunt has been like a mother to me since my mom died 3 years ago.  on her lap i have cried hours and hours, wailed really, because i miss my mom so much.  my aunt has been there. in the 8 years on our (in) fertility journey, i cried on her lap, sat in front of her and talked and lashed out and asked questions and cried... she saw me, my sadness and she did not say a word. she just patted my back and told me how much she loved me. 

she is the most amazing person. 

A L I V E  and VIBRANT! 

A D V E N T U R O U S! 

W I L D and C A L M!

H O N E S T and  F U N N Y.

always game for fun and sports. 

on new years eve, (photo above) we were sitting outside our room chatting, and we looked at each other.  marcel said 'let's jump in the pool' and if she was faster, she would have been the first one in the pool.  

she is soft and kind. warm and loving. understanding and straight.  honest.  she knows when to give advice and when to just listen. she sees you. she sees me and kellen en bella and marcel. she connects with each of us where we are and never ever expect anything back. she cries easily and have a heart so pure, it will soften anybody who gets in contact with her. 

she is a special needs teacher for the year 4 students.  i always smile and know how much she means to the children who she has connected with. all her year 4 children over the years, who are now in the high school, still comes to her with their problems. they text her when they need advice or someone to talk to... and just that.. the being there... is all of her.  

hehe.. i remember when kellen just came to live with us, i made him a baked potato for lunch (with some other bits) and he refused to eat the potato. i phoned her in tears, crying because he does not want to eat the potato and she said: 'so what. then he doesn't eat the potato'. (huge life lesson..hehe). 

this afternoon when i went to pick bella up for her play group, i bent down for her to run into my arms... very excitedly.  bella ran straight past me, into anerma's arms.  i looked, smiled and thanked God for her.  (i was jealous...very much!) 

her outlook on life is simple & easy. do it, don't do it, but for goodness sake! just enjoy your life! 

my (our) life has been blessed with her in.  my heart has healed because of her love and acceptance.   my children has an (adopted) grandma because of her open heart.  for me, she is like my other mom. 

i love you anerma. to the moon and back xx

she*

is the real deal  

grateful & excited*

years ago, when we were still in the midst of our (in)fertility journey, we became the godparents to this beautiful girl.  to be godparents to her gave us the feeling of being 'needed' and filled the big sadness we were in.  add to that the miraculous adoption stories of our two little ones and we are grateful... our hearts overflowing with love, our hearts so full it can burst! 

she is at the end of her 3 month visit here in malaysia and everyone is getting a little bit quieter every day.  to see how bella and kellen connected with her, having all three 'our kids' under one roof at the same time is an extra blessing.  to witness how much the little ones love her, how they joke with her and fight with her... how they make eye contact and start laughing...it's magic. 

these past few days are filled with quiet moments of gratitude... memories made and relived through photos... loud burst of laughter and screaming... because they can scream/yell together.. and then they laugh... when she goes home, our house is going to be quiet... the little ones are going to look for her.. they will miss her.. her room is going to be empty and we are going to miss looking up and seeing her entering a room with that beautiful smile of hers... 

(we love you) xx

happy new year*

may your year be filled with light and laughter, 

lots of giggles and always always LOVE! xx

sunset over pangkor beach (no filter) 

'Mary Christmas'

this morning in church our pastor greeted us with a 'Mary Christmas'.  The sermon was about being like Mary... and that each one of us can carry Jesus within us, for when you carry Jesus within you, you walk a different walk, you talk differently, you see life differently and your life will be changed for ever. 

Mary Christmas every one! I wish for you and your family to be surrounded with people that LOVE you and truly see YOU.

Kellen & Bella with Father Christmas

(ps: the father christmas's here in malaysia are very soft spoken).. 

milk and biscuits for Santa

they came!!! the reindeer dropped off our gifts...kellen is VERY happy! 

this is my aunt, with a voice that belongs on radio... what a privilege to have her here 

and to hear her read the story of Jesus's birth... 

my christmas gift is quite yummy! hehe... i love this man

the food people!!! the food!!!! (&  company!) but the food!!! 

after lunch silliness or more like happiness! 

we all need people around us who bring out the silly in us... 

we need people who love us and laugh with us, for who we are xx

happy Christmas!