14 things you didn't know about me*

1.  i love poetry
2.  i can live off smooth yogurt
3.  i am an introvert
4.  i am an extrovert between people i know
5.  i love stationary
6.  i am the eldest of 3 children
7.  i love my iphone
8.  i am 1.75m tall
9.  i love being at home
10.i love bright colours
11.i can go back to istanbul again and again
12.i don't know the names of songs/singers
13.words feed my soul
14.i'm the luckiest mama on earth

7 tips on living YOUR life*

1.  sometimes it difficult and you are tired of being brave and always trying to see the positive things in your life. 

 2.  but, you have to. to live a great life you have to make that change to make this life YOUR happy life.  what is the one step you have to take to start living the life YOU WANT? 

 3.  be patient. one step at a time.

4.  stop looking into the future. stop comparing your life to other people's  lives. your life is right here, right now.

5.  YOUR life IS great. You are in it. Live that.

6.  Look for the multi-colors. don't search for them. be still, open your eyes and see them right beside you. you already have all the answers you need inside you.

7. take many photographs of YOUR life, with YOU in it. be proud. be happy.

change is here*

today i've started.
i realised it is true. we are moving. we are moving house, we are moving countries. yep, it's happening.
i've started taking photos down...kind of 'nesting' before the move...putting all the photos together, sorting out what i want to keep, which ones i can throw away.  i'm sorting and organising and oh! visiting places i've been... Memory Lane... oh how i love thee...

“20 years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the one’s you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

things i know for sure:

1.  change is scary

2.  it's as if i go into a zone where i'm totally frozen... and then i wake up, like today and realise, this is it. this is your dream. you want to live in different countries, you want to 'experience it all'. go get them. put on your 'brave' and do it.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

3. sometimes things seems uncertain. trust the process. it is going to be ok.

4.  looking at this photo of kellen and bella it reminds me of the uncertainty of trying new things, just seeing the little bits of possibilities, of not seeing the full picture.  we put our feelings and ideas in different catagories, which we should'nt because they all go together. one big bowl of beautiful uncertainty. embrace that.

5. i know God is for me, i know He knows  our way and i know He loves us. i trust in Him.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

looking back on our stay in the uk for 4 years and the few months in malaysia, i know that the journey we are about to take as a family of four is going to be super exciting. i can already feel that feeling of aliveness, the joy of learning new languages, making new friends, eating different food, different holidays... i know that there are so much beauty awaiting us... i have to breath deeply when i think that i'm going to teach our children through our attitude and behaviour how amazing living in a different country can be...

traveling and or living in a different country is like photography... you never know how the photo is going to turn out... and then bam! surprise! It is amazingly beautiful!

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
― Alan Watts



tips on hanging on or living in limbo*

1.  hold on and see the facts for the facts.  you'll be scared, but it is easier to work with what you know than the unfamiliar.

2.  say it out loud. speak to someone. share. open up. don't feel ashamed that you are barely hanging on.

3.  try solving it all by yourself. hold on tight and just do it..whatever it is... go for it.

4.  sometimes hanging on feels heavy, you try harder but it feels as if you are not getting anywhere.

5.  let go of the things that don't serve you. easy question: ask yourself: does this add to my life? yes/no? yes? grab it and keep it close. no? let it go.

6.  some days it all is a haze and you don't know how you get to the other side.  the world is spinning, or is it only your world...

7. on the 'spinning around and around days'... you hold on and you trust the process with everything in you.

* all photos of kellen taken in 2010 on iphone with hipstamatic application

cheerleader*

sometimes you just want to sit on the sidelines and cheer on.
that is ok too.

29 things you have to know about adoption ( L E A P year!)

1.  adoption is magical in every way
2.  it is miracles come true.
3.  it is answers on prayers - 10 years worth of praying
4.  it is more than anything we every dreamed off
5.  it is true - children change your world! :-)

 6.  there are no co-incidences.  bella and kellen have the same surname.  we have 2 court orders. with both children, when i held their adoption court orders in my hands, I quickly opened the letter (because i knew what it said and just wanted to 'confirm') and read:

  '"According to the provisions of Section 242 of the Children's Act (Act No. 38 of 2005),  your adopted child is now for all purposes regarded as your child as if born to you and you are now for all purposes regarded as the parent  of the adopted child."

my eyes filled with tears and the emotion of really being their mama, pushes up to my throat, and i cry and laugh at once, experiencing how great our God is.

                                        first time we met kellen - he put his arms out to 'his daddy' to pick him up.

                                                                             instantly bonded, as if he knew.

7.  you don't 'need time to think about it'. just do it. it is huge and scary and amazing and challenging

and it is love.

8.  adoption is love.

9.  it is a journey. your journey.

10.  nobody really understands except fellow brave hearts going through the same process.

11.  you don't have to say anything. just love and smile and praise God.

12.  show up, and be there. be happy with us (them).

13.  the process is not that long. it takes time, but it is not that long. by the time that you realised you still need this document and that document, you've been so busy trying to be the most amazing mama, that time would have passed and your little ones will be 5 or 6 months older.

14.  from the time we heard of kellen, getting the adoption order and changing his surname to malan, was

5 months.

16. adoption is not tiring. parenting is. :-)

17.  there is no difference whether they came through my body or through adoption...after a hard day, i feel as if i have birthed them.

18.  as a parent, you 'forget' you adopted them.

19.  you think they look like you, you see similarities and you are in such awe of this awesome miracle that is a little boy and girl, that you forget that other people see the difference.

20.  adoption makes you feel loved.

                            

20.  there are sad adoption stories too, but it doesn't need to be your story.

21.  people pity the children (maybe the parents too) when they hear they are adopted.

22.  adoption (and parenting) can be scary and uncertain.

23.  adoption (and parenting) can be bright and happy and absolutely the best thing in your life.

24.  adoption is not a big deal.

25.  it can be, but it's not. it depends on your social worker and where you are in your journey.

26.  adoption is awesome.

27.  adoption is life changing.

28.  adoption is a dream come true.

29.  it is taking a 'leap' into the unknown, it's taking a 'leap' into opening your heart, not half way, all the way, so big and wide that all you have for that little boy and girl, is love, it is taking a 'leap' into loving 'your' child (and yourself) with all that you have.

on this wednesday, this 'leap' day, the 29/02/2012, i sat in the home affairs office in somerset-west, with a court order in my hand, stating that this world  has just 'birthed' a baby girl (adn boy) into my(our) life. sitting alone, with little bella squeeling with joy, with only me knowing why i was there, i felt like any other parent waiting at home affairs to register their child's birth certificate. my heart felt overjoyed with emotion, filled with gratitude towards even just the possibility of adoption, in this moment i surrendered into love.

(surrendering into love for a*)

adventure*

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins
adventure...
[noun] a wild and exciting undertaking (not necessarily lawful)
Synonyms: escapade, risky venture, dangerous undertaking

Since Kellen was 18months old, I showed him maps of the world. I told him about all the 'adventures' we are going to go on and the far away places we are going to explore and discover. I told him stories of all the places we have been to and how i'm going to show him as much as possible of our beautiful world.

today we went to the airport to pick up his daddy.  early morning we had this conversation:

he: mommy, can we go earlier to walk around in the airport?
me: of course. do you want to walk around in the airport? that is a great idea.
he:  mommy, to fly is such a big adventure. i love adventure.
me: 'gasp'... my heart racing.. he understands... yay!!! he is going to be world traveller!
me:  yes, it is big adventure. mommy loves adventure too. and i love that you think of flying and travelling as an adventure.  just imagine all the places we are going to see... smell...experience...
he:  mommy, when can we fly again. i want to go to malaysia.

me:  be still my heart!

we are going to travel the world.
we are going to meet new people and experience how they live.
we are going to help people in other countries.
we are going to interact and learn from other cultures.
we will taste all their traditional foods.
we will drink their traditional drinks.
we will partake in this grand adventure that is life!

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.

Anais Nin