Sunday, August 19, 2012

'the' call*

today a year ago, i went for a 2 hour massage. i was sad and found myself walking into baby shops all the time. i would look at everything i would buy, 'should i have a baby'. then i would choose some things for friends' babies to get totally overwhelmed.  i would leave everything just there and leave the shop.  this specific day, overwhelmed did not come close to what i was feeling.  i couldn't understand why some people could just add to their families by deciding to get pregnant, get pregnant and 9 months later they had a baby.  i  was not even jealous of them... just so sad that we cannot do the same. so i went for a massage and just before the lady started i prayed to God and totally surrendered. i told Him i give up. i don't understand any of this and i'm so tired of trying to make sense of it. i surrender.  i know He knows better for us, but i'm not in this any more.  i remember clearly thinking 'whatever'...thinking that this was the end of our road to have more children.

2 hours later as i was walking into our apartment in kuala lumpur, marcel said: 'lin, here is a text message for you'.  you should phone back immediately.

i was still so overwhelmed by our loss of not being able to naturally 'just conceive', sad because i surrendered and i wanted to embrace and feel this loss that i've been carrying with me for so many years; all that i really wanted to do was take a bath and go to sleep.

but i phoned.

'how soon can you be back in south africa? i'm flying on monday to pick up your baby daughter'. 

that evening we changed our return flights to that tuesday (it was friday), and on the thursday we picked up our baby girl at the airport in cape town, south africa.

today, a year ago, we got 'the call' that any prospective adopting parent waits for... today a year ago our family grew from 3 to 4 and we got our baby girl.

the only other information we got was that she is beautiful and nearly 3 months old.  after we said our goodbyes the first thought i had was 'what is her name?" so i phoned the social worker again and her answer was... i could hear the smile through the distance... 'bella'.

that night i could not fall asleep. our social worker sent us a photo of our baby girl and she was beautiful.  i saw her sweet face all the time and could not get out of my  mind how sad she looked in the photos. i wanted to cry. i wanted to scoop her up into my arms and hold her tight, i wanted to hug her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear... i wanted her to know she has a mama, a mama and a daddy that loves her with everything in us... i wanted her to know that she is loved. and wanted. and treasured. i wanted her to know in that moment how much we loved her.

i had a dream that night... it felt as if i 'connected' with her and that she knew we were on our way... it was surreal and real and i got this feeling that she knew i was her mama... even though we have not met.

she knew.

today, a year ago, our hearts were filled with love for a little brown-eyed curly hair girl who is feisty and wild. the day i held her for the first time, my whole heart was filled.  that feeling of 'longing and need to hold our baby' was exchange with a feeling of disbelieve, of magical dreams coming true, of prayers answered, of God knowing our hearts and who's timing is perfect.

a year ago the universe gave birth to our baby girl, bella xx

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