Tuesday, December 25, 2012

'Mary Christmas'

this morning in church our pastor greeted us with a 'Mary Christmas'.  The sermon was about being like Mary... and that each one of us can carry Jesus within us, for when you carry Jesus within you, you walk a different walk, you talk differently, you see life differently and your life will be changed for ever. 

Mary Christmas every one! I wish for you and your family to be surrounded with people that LOVE you and truly see YOU.

Kellen & Bella with Father Christmas
(ps: the father christmas's here in malaysia are very soft spoken).. 

milk and biscuits for Santa

they came!!! the reindeer dropped off our gifts...kellen is VERY happy! 

this is my aunt, with a voice that belongs on radio... what a privilege to have her here 
and to hear her read the story of Jesus's birth... 

my christmas gift is quite yummy! hehe... i love this man

the food people!!! the food!!!! (&  company!) but the food!!! 

after lunch silliness or more like happiness! 

we all need people around us who bring out the silly in us... 

we need people who love us and laugh with us, for who we are xx

happy Christmas! 

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Xmas*

our hearts are full full full.
hope yours are also overflowing with all His love!
Merry Xmas!

Friday, December 21, 2012

xmas over the years in photos*

2008 (the year our life changed forever) 



 2011 - m a g i c a l (TWO babies!) 

stay tuned for an up to date photo of our two little elves! 
We are truly in heaven xx

tips on infertility: random things not to ask any one who don't have children*

This post is for anyone who have friends/family who are trying to grow their family.  Be wise and read and be informed... and then you just love them... don't ask questions... don't make assumptions... just love and pray.

To our family and friends (you know who you are) who have said nothing... who loved us and prayed with us... who knew that we too did not know the answers... we love you...well... and then some... do i even say more.  it is sad how little integrity (is that the word?) some people have... so here you go... a few questions we got asked again and again..even to this day....wink-wink* - don't ask these questions to people who don't have kids... just plain ol' rude... :-)

1.    when are you having kids?
2.    how many kids do you want?
3.    is there a problem?
4.    who has the problem?
5.    have you tried...
6.    God has a plan
7.    you should pray (believe me, we know)
8.    you know, this one and this one did this and this...
9.    i'm so sorry
10.  i know how you feel (really?)
11.  you should try...
12.  why can't you get pregnant
13.  have you heard this joke...(insert joke about someone who cannot get pregnant... )
14.  that's such a shame. you will make great parents.
15.  i know of so and so....
16.  keep on trying... (really?)
17.  i hope you don't mind me asking, but... (don't ask!)
18.  why don't you just adopt? (yes, why don't you just adopt...so easy! :-)
19.  don't worry, it will happen when you don't think about it.
20.  you should drink less coffee.

yep people, drink less coffee :-) xx

PS: 21.  'come, come, pull yourself together,  no-one died'.  said to me after our first implant which failed by 'my best friend'.  yep, not friends any more.  (phew! i just pulled this one out of the archives of my memory banks...such a long time ago... )

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

magic* (and a little bit on grieving infertility)

Last night we watched this movie and within 10 minutes of watching i burst out crying, deep, heavy crying of past hurt and sadness for their story.  

it's just a movie. a story of two people who tried everything to get pregnant and have children. but it did not happen. she went to the doctors, which gave them their fate - you will never be able to have your own children. that night, before 'moving on', the two of them sat on the couch and talked about what 'their kid would be like'. everything their kid would achieve and be. loved and be loved. then they realised it will just be that, dreams... wishes... they put them all in a box and buried the box in their backyard.  

many a night my husband and i sat dreaming and talking about what 'our children' one day will be like. we went into every detail.... what they would look like. how they would act towards other people... how we want our children to grow up to be kind and compassionate people with hearts so full of love, that they will change the world. we imagined how much joy they would bring to the world, how they would love life and everything about it. how much we would love them.  how we would never be able to imagine our lives without them... how our hearts would burst with love and joy all in once. 

for us, that too, was just dreams... wishes... because we were not destined to have our own children.  this movie took me (us) back into our infertility journey, slab dab right in the middle of our grief.  i cried like i have not cried in the past few years... the crying and tears coming from the depths of my soul. i did not realised that i can still cry about something i've cried for over 10years... 10 years of waiting and hoping and praying for a child... the never-ending hurting and sadness of not being able to have our own children. 

we went to bed talking about the beautiful children who lost their lives in the shooting on friday in connecticut... and the millions of children who will never know what it feels like to be loved, to have a mommy and a daddy, their own family, the millions of children who would never know what it feels like to be hugged and loved by 'their mommy and daddy', all the while watching our 2 beautiful children sleep.  our hearts aching for what we (thought) we could never have. the (gratitude and) magnitude of the one wish we had of being a mommy and a daddy, which God answered for us through the magic of adoption. 

we cried ourselves to sleep last night. my last thoughts were of the healing that is still taking place 5 years later after our prayer of becoming parents were answered... i told m3 
'healing is still taking place... God knew what He was doing'. 

breakfast in bed

playing doll in the tent

the magic of music and wanting to learn...

the magic of gratitude & little notes in little xmas trees
i had the most perfect moment on sunday... my aunt and godchild was sharing their creative juices with
some xmas magic... my (OUR) children were running around laughing and screaming... 

the magic of a little boy... Father Xmas came last night and 'forgot' one of his gifts on the table (because Father Xmas was testing it out..hehe.. ). this morning kellen saw it, asked about it and then when he wanted to show us, it just disappeared.  he left a note and picture of the gift to remind Father Xmas.  the note reads:  'Father Xmas, green ipad please'. :-)

the magic is every where... look around you... 

how many nights of despair and sadness were there. days of being angry with God for not responding. for not making one understand why? why not us? isn't that what You promised each of us in the Bible? what did i do wrong? make me understand this! you call out to God from the depths of your soul. you want to know..you NEED to know what the plan is He has for your life, because in the moments of despair and sadness, nothing, absolute nothing makes sense.

i wished and prayed for children even when i was not praying. i lived praying for them. holding onto God's promise for us.

He delivered. not the way we thought He would. our children did not come through us.

but He gave us our children through His love.

we are a mama and daddy, because of His love for us. and His love for them.

we will raise our children to know and love God, for He surely am the beginning and the end.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

basking in gratitude*

Sometimes I can still not believe I get to parent these to amazing souls...

Basking in gratitude and a full full heart xx

Happy Weekend! 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

secret santa wishes*

ho ho ho!!! that time of year already? 

school closes tomorrow... been busy with sport.... 

and getting my own food because i'm hungry! everyone is so busy... don't you understand the concept of wanting food! :-) 

privilege to have my aunt and goddaughter here with us for Christmas... being silly very late at night

trying to get some extra rest... holidays are close... 

trying to find moments of quietness to gather my thoughts 
and things in my heart

having my aunt here is great... it caught me off guard when i wished it was my mom... 
missing her tremendously. 

reading lots of stories in the twinkle lights with my 2 
'wishes' under the tree

hope you are sending your wishes out into the universe too... 

they really do come true 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

my wild one*

i usually joke when i meet knew people introducing my kids...
 'just so you know, i raise them wild and free'. 

i thought kellen was wild, and then she grew up and well, wild has a new meaning! (it must be the hair..hehe...) 

last week monday, she was skipping along (she 'skips' people!), trip over her own feet and hit her lip against the bin...1, 2, 3 blood everywhere and i knew she had to get stitches.  i took her to the doctor, who transferred us to the hospital, so that she can get sedated to stitch her up... and she.was.not.happy. 
(her mama had a little meltdown too, because it's a different country, doctors i don't know, and she has to go to theater AND daddy's away... i just needed that moment... (thanks Big Dad!) ) 

i tried everything to calm her down... but girl friend did not want to calm down...
she did not like the cot...

she did not like the nurses....

she just wanted her mama and would use every method she knows to get to me..hehe...

(little whisper... i still want to be a nurse...)

on our way up to the theater... had some meds and are calming down....such a big girl...

got home at 8pm that night and sister is still not happy. she got stitched on the inside as well. the doctors were great and kind and comforting to this mama heart who just wanted to cry (can you believe it!).
she is back to her skipping... we are trying to do everything a little bit slower...

but i still LOVE the phrase 'wild and free' xx

Friday, November 23, 2012

living in gratitude*

From the fullness of His grace we have all 
received one blessing after another.
~ John 1:16 ~

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when 
our hearts are conscious of our treasures." - Thornton Wilder

Saturday, November 3, 2012

1st halloween ever*

Halloween is BIG here where we live... we decided to take part for the fun of dressing up and for the trick-or-treating.  Around the corner from where we live there was an arm and a leg sticking out from the postbox and kellen asked me every day for a week...mommy, please don't get an arm and a leg...it's scary'.  

We've made it a positive and sweet halloween... i introduce to you... 

Batman & Tinkerbell 

 can we please get going? Where are all the treats? 

 come bella, this way...

most of the people in our compound gathering at the swimming pool
before we go out trick-and-treating

there were quite a big number of children... 

 batman protected tinkerbell through the chaos

 there were some brilliant costumes, even the adults dressed up... 

enough now! where is all this treats you are speaking off? 

nobody is put off by the rain...

 made for brilliant puddle jumping... 
think bella enjoyed that the most... 

"ok, i'm tired. go home. sweets are done. 
no more treats. time for bed".
a very tired little tinker bell... and batman? 
he was off sharing all his treats with the kids
knocking on our door xx

*it was his idea to share his treats with the kids when ours was finish... 
i'm such a proud mama :-)