Tuesday, July 24, 2012

tips on starting something new*

1.  be courageous
2.  be wild
3.  do something that you never thought of doing
4.  do something that will feed / fill your soul
5.  decide courageously
6.  breath in... and on the out...
7.  run! and pay up for the first 3 months!
8.  commit to yourself
9.  get up and go
10. even if it hurts, just do it.
11. laugh at yourself
12. be kind with yourself... you are there... you are doing it...
13. finish the class..even if it hurts
14. continue your day with a smile on your face and a happy heart..you will feel great
15. go again tomorrow and repeat steps 1 to 15

Friday, July 20, 2012

tips on embracing infertility, an old sad memory*

1.  be brave and do it
2.  take the frames out, put them on the table
3.  get the photos of the last year out
4.  glow in the light of love
5.  cherish every single moment you captured with your camera
6.  feel gratitude
7.  let the happiness push up in your body... feeling as if it's going to run over
8.  stand back and smile
9.  hit the nail in the wall
10.  hang the photo frame
11.  live in the now

2 years ago, on a(nother) day that i longed for a baby, i went to a shop and bought R1 500 worth of photo frames.  Today, i organized the photos to put them in.  750 (plus) days later, i've grieved enough over our infertility and am i ready to let go of that memory/feeling. my heart is full. i am happy.

*thoughts/feelings on infertility ( memories in my mind the last 5 hours)... 

if you visit here often and know me, you will know that i always try to write about the positive things in my life... to use a negative event/feeling and to turn it around into something good.. .something that can add to your life too. after taking out the empty frames and writing this post, i've been 'embracing' those memories... letting them slip out... but i don't think that they will wander far... as i cherish them too, for they have been part of me for such a long time.

the day that i bought these frames, my heart was broken. for 10 years i (we)'ve been praying for a baby. i've been angry with God and then i would stop praying. the longing, the in-depth need to hold a baby, not necessarily from my womb, any baby, that i could mother was so overwhelming and real...it blindsided me to anything else in life.  the thoughts of God not thinking that i am enough to mother, of what-else-must-i-do-to-show God that i'm worthy of this experience, this love, His love.  i couldn't bring together my life and how God viewed me... what did i do wrong? did He not love me enough to answer these prayers... what else must i do? how many years still, do i have to wait?

for most of the time these were the conversations i was having with Him. every.single.day.  most days the sadness was there. you wish you can understand it, but (most days) it was a deep, calm, sadness... like a photo of solitude. nothing. no ripples on the water. just sadness.  it can be a beautiful feeling.  for me it was. somewhere there must be an explanation for all this sadness.  somewhere in here, He must love me to teach me such beauty in sadness.  you paddle. you breath. you cry. you stop crying. you pray. you stop praying. you want to scream. but you don't. can't anybody see that i'm drowning? can someone help me?

and then. out of nowhere, the sadness goes deeper. you breath. you smile. you know it's happening. you trust in the process. you get up and you do what you have to do to show sadness that life is good. people love me. i am loved. (you want to ask: 'am i', )but you let that one slip, because the sun is out. it's shining. you are smiling, drifting on the sadness. you think you are riding the wave, but you know it will surface. again. when you least expect it. you hold on to hope, other people's stories. you pray. you smile. (and you pray some more).

sadness is not a joke. it cannot be fixed. it's a feeling that has to be loved and cherished, you have to feel it. you have to cry and scold and swear and forgive. you have to love even more, for the sadness will not be there if there was not the most extraordinary good thing in your life. the yin and yang. the darkness and light. the empty photo frames in the corner and the beautiful photo frames against the wall.

the sadness and the happiness.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

tips on finding your passion*

passion |ˈpaSHən|nounstrong and barely controllable emotion: a man of impetuous passion.• a state or outburst of such emotion: oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion.• intense sexual love: their all-consuming passion for each other | she nurses a passion for Thomas.• an intense desire or enthusiasm for something: the English have a passion for gardens.• a thing arousing enthusiasm: modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”  - Rumi
when i click that shutter something happens... i experience an inner joy... a surfacing of passion... i forget about everything around me and focusses on the object... i smile... constantly... i observe... with deeper meaning... poems go through my mind... i connect sentences and words with pictures... i notice all the details... the colors... (i sometimes wonder how one can capture the smell?)... i move slower... i notice every thing... i want to capture more with my lens... i want to hold on to this moment for ever... i see the littles things... i look up and see the big, open, blue skies and know that He is alive... 
i am alive... in this moment, i am passion... it's moving through me, like a river, capturing this moment.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

tip(s) on feeling JOY*

open your heart and watch this...

The event was sponsord by Spain’s Banco Sabadell. Featuring Vallès Symphony Orchestra, the choirs of Lieder and Friends of l’Opera and the Choral Belles Arts. It's conducted by Josef Vila Casaña

10 tips on 'end of the school year'

kellen and his friends performing

1.  write down the dates and times of everything happening at the school
2.  remember to check your calendar
3.  put reminders on your phone
4.  be there
5.  sit in the front row
6.  remember your camera/video camera (if you forget both, use your phone)
7.  smile & feel proud. you are allowed to. 
8.  don't cry
9.  look around you and feel grateful
10. tell him afterwards how proud you are of him

living abroad means having SUMMER HOLIDAYS! 6 weeks of uninterrupted fun! i cannot believe  that my little (big) boy is going to year 1 in september. mind blowing. 

we've been busy with end-of-the-year gifts, performances, sport days, award ceremonies, goodbye parties.... in-between he said he wanted to start drumming lessons.... 

tomorrow we are sitting down with pen and paper to make a list of everything we would love to do this summer, holding space to just be... 

to be lazy
to sleep late
to stay in our pj's all day
to make forts 
to have breakfast in bed 
to play outside all day long 
to have water fun
to bake cookies and cake and whatever he feels like
to read stories in bed
to relax and just be here. 

school closes tomorrow! 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

list 1 of 38*

things i want to do:
1.  make a list of things to do outside and put on back door
2.  let kellen wash bicycles and other big trucks
3.  plant herbs
4.  paint shelves for herbs
5.  play tennis
6.  make play dough
7.  go through interest and make lists of things i want to do
8.  go for pedicure (have to squeeze this one somewhere in)
9.  swim every day
10. go for a walk every morning and afternoon
11. play music all day long
12. get end-of-year gifts for teacher
13. look for material to make throws for couches 
14. love on my littles
15. love myself xx

Saturday, July 7, 2012

heart fluttering - "tee-tjies"

my sweet boy, 

you are growing up way too fast.  you are playing more and more on your own, helping yourself with porridge in the mornings, taking your own self-portraits, figuring out things by yourself. i'm so proud of you for how independent you are, and yet, at the same time, my heart skip beats as to how quickly it happens. 

i love every little and big thing of you... 
the way your face lit up when you see your sister
the way you enjoy figuring things out
the way you try to get yourself out of trouble
the way you start laughing when you try to get something you are not allowed to
the way you ask for tea... 

aunty sue gave your cousin a cup of tea at night, and now, all of sudden, you want 'tee-tjies' too. my heart flutters when you look at me with those beautiful eyes and ask:  'mama, can i please have some tee-tjies'. 
i want to hug and kiss and knibble you all at once... and then i have to remember that you are growing up and you want to be independent. when i do hug you, you smile and  wiggle loose and ask me 'i asked you, mama, may i please have some  'tee-tjies'.  

 self-portrait taken by kellen 

things i've noticed of you these past few months... 
* you love being silly
* you love making plans
* you love being between your cousins 
* you struggle to share all the time... 
* you 'fight' for what is yours (hehe...in my eyes that is a good quality)
* you want to be outside more and more... you love being outside
* you love being in the garden...watering the grass.... pruning... 
* you protect your little sister
* you love asking questions...about everything... 
* you love playing with your daddy
* and cars

you are...
soft and caring
wild and loud
responsible (sometimes not)
an explorer
love talking
and arguing...  (that's a story all on its own).
you care about others and on a few occasions you have said: 'one day, i want to be a daddy and all the kids who don't have mommies and daddies (and food) can come live with me. i will feed them and be their daddy'.

your expression in the photo above is the one you give me when you ask for tea... it is also the expression you have when you are caring and concerned about others, your soft heart and your genuine-ness shining through your smile...

i love you. when my heart flutters when you speak with me i remember YOU made me a mama...

i love you my not-so-baby-boy-anymore xx

Monday, July 2, 2012

music is what feelings sound like*

beautiful print can be found here

five years ago we moved to the united kingdom for no set period.  that specific year and a half was our time to heal, the time God used to prepare us to become parents to the most amazing little boy.  thinking back to that time in our lives, the first feeling i remember is such sadness... i was so sad... very very sad... i wanted to be a mama...with my  whole heart i wanted to be a mama.  we waited and prayed for ten whole years...

a friend, who i made through blogging, gave me a cd with songs on that i've never heard before - a mix, with songs that healed my heart and helped me to cope with the sadness i was feeling in that time.  for months and months i listened to that cd on my way to work and back - the music literally carried me through the days until we got the call on that monday afternoon. 

on my drive to work the tuesday morning, i put the cd on and the first words i heard was 'the impossible  is born'... which was a song by coldplay or david gray... perfect... for in that moment... to hear: ' do you want to adopt a little 18 month old boy?', the impossible was indeed born. 

that was august 2008.  

today, july 2012, is a totally different story. a good and happy story... and yes, music is what feelings sounds like.  i'm a mama to a wild and happy, crazy and extra-ordinary 5 year old boy.  i'm a mama to a funky, sweet, soft-hearted, wild and crazy little 1 year old girl. we live in malaysia and we are blessed beyond our wildest imaginations.  

here are my top 4 songs... the rhythm of these are what my feelings sounds like: 

1.  drive by - train
2.  pumped up kicks - foster the people
3.  hey, soul sister - train
4.  we are young - feat. janelle monae

what does your feelings sounds like? tell me xx