first time i saw my baby girl*

*this post had to be published on the 25th... i'm so in the moment of her being with us for a year, i couldn't resist.... but today, 22/08, our (baby) boy has been living with us for 4 years...post to come xx

we drove to the airport in silence, each with our own thoughts. 

we had no expectations. 

we were scared. uncertain. excited. frazzled. nervous. 

silent. 

thoughts of the past 12 years.  our journey of infertility.  the sadness. the hope. prayers said and we thought never answered. God's way. His timing. perfection. 

thinking of kellen and how all this is going to change him and his life... 

praying. 

for calm. connection. love. for kellen. 

praying that she will instantly know i'm her mama. 

we parked the car and walked into the airport. you could hear the constant talking of kellen. excited. uncertain. questions. we answered them. each one. 

we sat down. the plane has landed. we looked at each other, breathed a deep breath and waited.

i fiddled with my camera, did not know what to do.  

we got up and bought some cool drink. kellen wanted bubblegum (!!). we said yes!  why not? we are getting a baby! 

then we sat down on the cold hard chairs... in the front row... each with our own thoughts waiting for our baby girl. 

no expectation. only love.

then we saw them. first our social worker, with a big smile. she has been with us on this journey every step of the way. angel.  she is an angel.  i asked her that morning, when she held bella for the first time, to whisper in her ear that her mama already loves her and that i'm waiting for her on the other side. 

we stood up. pacing up and down (wanting to jump over the railings...), not sure what to do...

then she handed our baby girl over to us...
her mama held her first...
and she was beautiful!

i wanted to make eye-contact with her...
she was light and quiet...
it was unreal.

i was in awe. i didn't know what to say or do or even think.

totally overwhelmed.

filled with joy.
and gratitude.
l o v e for this little baby girl that i just met...

i'm going to be your mama...

i am your mama.
my heart filled with love for this baby girl that i don't even know, that is going to be my daughter.
the longing and need of the last 12 years for a baby, our baby, fell like a leave into the river of grief and drifted off in the sunset. 

'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful'

'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful'

'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful'

'thank you Jesus' xx

these were the only words constantly going through my mind and mouth... 'i am your mama. you are my baby and you are beautiful. thank you Jesus'