Thursday, August 16, 2012

on being real/truthful*

You gotta commit. You've gotta go out there and improvise and you've gotta be completely unafraid to die. You've got to be able to take a chance to die. And you have to die lots. You have to die all the time. You're goin' out there with just a whisper of an idea. The fear will make you clench up. That's the fear of dying. When you start and the first few lines don't grab and people are going like, “What's this? I'm not laughing and I'm not interested,” then you just put your arms out like this and open way up and that allows your stuff to go out. Otherwise it's just stuck inside you. ~ Bill Murray via Emma Alvarez Gibson

this is the reason why i blog. i love to write. i love to take photos. i love to share my (our) life with the world.  i want everyone to know that i am who i am.  every time i write, 'i put my arms out like this and open way up and that allows my stuff to go out'. truth*

opening my arms and flooding out is love for my (our) children... watching them every evening while they sleep... our eyes filled with tears of gratitude...sometimes still in awe of the magic happening in our lives because of them... how they fill our hearts to the brim with possibilities & magic. truth*

opening my heart and not worrying about what other people think. for years i've had this thing that everyone was looking at me. (now they are looking at my children..hehe) it does not matter... live your life as if no one is watching. today only matters to you and what memories have you made with your family, to remind them how much they are loved? be goofy and silly and serious and funny and loud and there. be in YOUR life and let the rest go. real*

opening my heart/arms and flooding out is being goofy with myself and them... loving my whole self. even though i am feeling a bit self conscious around the swimming pool, as soon as i'm in, nothing else matters.   we swim/play from 7am until 5pm... being goofy and silly, going down the water slides with them...hearing them giggle... priceless*

opening my heart and flooding my loved ones with hugs and kisses and cuddles. touching them, patting them on their backs, talking and listening and praising them for every small and big thing they do/accomplish.  they live what they hear.  marcel helped kellen with something the other day and i heard him thanking marcel: 'thank you dad, you are a genius'. truth*

opening my heart and wanting to cry because i forgot the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death. grief is something that never ever leaves you. it sits in your bones. it is there. every day. it's in the sunrise, in that first cup of tea you drink, it's in the looking at your children, wishing she could be there one more time to tell you how proud she is of you being a mama. it's in the way your children love you and you want to share every little thing with your mama. it's in the preparation of dinner and the memory of how she used to cook. it is the one time you 'quickly' want to phone her to ask her something...and then you remember. grief in on your pillow when you put your head down and you wish you could smell her just one more time. grief is real. 

opening my heart into being real... for myself and my family. i am who i am. 

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
― Dr. Seuss,

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