Saturday, June 8, 2013

dear birth mom, i've had you on my mind*

dear birth mom of this beautiful little girl, 

i've had you on my mind since the week before her birth day.  i've been wondering about you...where you are, what you are doing, if you are thinking about her, about us. having you in my thoughts all the time. 

usually i try not to think about you too much, because 'we want to move on with our life' have a 'normal' life, not always thinking about adoption, but it is impossible. every milestone this little one achieve, i think of you. whenever she has a melt down, i think of you... wondering if you would have giggled with me looking at this scene unfolding in front of us. i think of you when she laughs and run and turn around and look at me and laughs some more... and i have an instant feeling of gratitude in my heart for you... that you were born to birth this beautiful girl into our lives. 

the very first photo taken of her when she arrived at the Breath of Life house

thank you so much for giving birth in a hospital. she was taken to the breath of life house where she was loved and cuddled for 3 months before she came home.  the people at this house is amazing.  when we picked her up, she had a suitcase full of clothes, a box with the clothes she is wearing in the photo, a  book with photos in and her little life story of the first 3 months of her life. they also gave us a book filled with letters from everyone who looked after, held, prayed and played with her. we felt so blessed to have something of the first 3 months of her life.  

two nights ago i started her birth photo book and got the photos on the cd out that we received in the box.  i've never looked at them.  about 70 photos of the first moments of her life that was recorded on film. her first recorded bath, women holding her and feeding her in the middle of the night, her laying next to two other little babies who came to the home with her.. who i think of so often.  i went down stairs to show these photos to her daddy and we both sat on the couch, looking at the photos, tears streaming down our faces...no words. just sadness for the beginning of her life in the way it began. she needed to be held and loved from the very first moment she came into this world.  i want to believe that you too loved her from that very moment...  that you would give anything to see her grow up and be the best of who she is.   


she has this routine in the morning when she wakes up to call either 'mama' or 'pappa'. we will pick her up and put her in bed with us. she immediately takes her daddy's phone to watch the video's on it of her when she was baby. it's so sweet, she mimics everything the baby is doing in the video and then she giggles.

a few days ago she kept on asking and showing to something in one of the videos. she was laying under a little blanket that she got as a gift. i've kept the blanket and gave it to her.  the joy of receiving that blanket is indescribable.  when she have a nap or goes to bed at night, her first words are 'bers'.  (short for blanket in afrikaans).

i captured this photo of her this morning.  i saw this one and a deep sadness settled in my heart.  her eyes, the way she was holding the blanket...but more the look in her eyes... reminded me of her story. of you giving birth to her, you choosing a closed adoption.  her going to a house of safety. her being loved and comforted by strangers who has now become family, and her coming home.

i guess with adoption there is always the bittersweet moments.


and then...

then i look at this face every.single.morning and i thank God for her.  i thank God for choosing us to parent her and raise her. i thank God for her health and the joy that comes forth from her every big and small gesture. i thank God for her spirit, that is resilient and strong, for her confidence and that she knows how to show love. i thank God every single day for this little human being and that she did come to earth, because she is going to change the world.

thank you Birth mama, for birthing this gift into the world!