infertility blues*

since i can remember i wanted many children... then we realised it was not 'just going to happen' and in between the infertility treatment and wondering what the future holds and the many people who always asks 'when are you going to start with a family', i used to joke and say we want 10 children. yes, you read correctly, T E N ! :-) 

during one such conversation a friend ask me 'what does your husband think about that?' and i thought oh! i must most probably ask him.  To which he answered: 'i will settle for 5'. (yes! i have the most amazing husband). 

after our unsuccessful infertility treatments, we decided 'what must be will be' and moved to the UK with the idea of not having children at all and if it happens for us, it happens.  We were quite naive. thinking we are over all the grief and totally on the other side of it.   The 2 years in the UK was our grieving period for not being able to have our own children.  Everything about those 2 years was sad and depressing.  but it was also the way God prepared us for our children.   

Fast forward 5 years and we are living in Malaysia with 2 beautiful, healthy, funny and caring children.  We decided to adopt here in Malaysia and so the process began.  The possibility of adding to our family and expanding in the one thing we know to be true... our love for our children and each other... again, to expand on that love and love even more, when you think you don't know how you can even love them more, and then it happens and your heart explodes with love and even more possibility. 

friday night i had 3 little brothers here at our place for a sleep over and it did not help.  it confirmed to me (again) that my heart has the capacity to love more children... the feeling i got when i took this photo?... i felt like i was in heaven... 10 little feet running around through the house, the noise, the giggles... e x p a n d i n g heart! 

yesterday we met with a contact to adopt here in malaysia.  during the conversation some things did not make sense and the story did not add up, so we stood up and walked out. my heart not broken, but sad, because today we could have had a little baby girl in our arms.  (unfortunately here in malaysia trafficking is huge and as potential adoptive parents you have to be extra careful when meeting people). 

we talked about it. about God and answers and not understanding. then my husband said 'you ask for an answer from God, He gives one and then you are not happy with His answer'.  (shall i roll my eyes? smile? cry? ) how does one know what is the right thing to do? how do you know if this was really illegal or who knows, maybe  they are legal, you don't know. you trust the feeling in your gut... 

trust. faith. for me it always ends in faith. knowing that God has our best interest at heart, that He is waiting for the right time, arranging the meeting of our next child to be absolutely perfect... 

He knows. i know He knows.  

having faith and trust in God, knowing in your heart that He is busy working with your life plan, having 2 beautiful and healthy children, does not take away the 'falling into the rabbit hole' of wanting to have your own children.  it's not so much wanting to be pregnant, having my husband's children... it's more of 'i wish it was as easy for us as for other people, to decide to have more children, get pregnant and give birth'... until you decide to have another child... and you get pregnant and your carry the baby and you give birth again, and have another miracle in your hands'... 

whenever we talk about more children, starting the process of adopting again, there is always a time where i wish i was like other woman...able to carry and have our own children, because then we don't have to think and try to understand what the plan is that God has for our life, or to think about... oh my goodness... there's a million questions when you adopt... but primary wondering when your baby is going to come, when the timing is right, when this is going to happen... is it going to be a little boy or girl... oh my goodness... stay calm, be objective. don't hope. or hope. be positive but don't expect too much.  i hope they are not part of a scam and having to be extra careful when meeting people, having to trust your gut and your first instincts. wondering when you are going to get 'the call', trusting and letting go... 

it's always a case of trusting and letting go... 

i guess it's normal for one to linger in the in between of infertility blues and possibility... trying to make sense of this journey, of the meaning of all that life brings to you and i would think most importantly, how we decide to act/react on everything happening with you... 

it's a crazy and whirlwind ride, but that moment when you get the call, and this is it, your baby is here, you can get ready to collect your baby... every moment was worth it. 

thinking about my son and daughter... we would go through that 9 years of infertility treatment again and again to be right here where we are now, in the midst of being blessed over and over again.