hOmE*

we are visiting south africa for four whole weeks.

it means... family, cousins, cold cold weather!!!, winter clothes, dogs, grandma's and grandpa's, giggles and lots of laughter... it also means babies getting up at dawn = jetlag :-) and friends and my mom's house (feeling so close to her) and just being here. it means sick babies and puppy dogs and good good food. it means pro nutro every morning and family dinners at night, it means midnight chats with my sister-in-law talking about our 'exercise programs'..hehe... love love love being home.

there surely is no place like home.

hearts are full, full, full xx

truth* (of infertility)

the truth is...

i don't want to write about all the sad things of my heart.

right in the beginning i thought my blog is going to be about our amazing and beautiful and blessed life. i did a writing course and realised again that my best writing, and the writing you want to read, is the truth of my heart.  the posts, where i write from my heart, where i open it up, where i don't think about it, and just write what comes from my heart, those are the posts that you want to read.

blogging is a funny thing.  I thought that people want to read about happiness and good things and dreams coming true, which i believe to be true too. right now,  i guess it's the heart of the matter, it is the truth that needs to be told.

i'm writing about this, because i know how grateful i felt when i stumbled upon a blog 7 years ago of a beautiful girl who could not have her own children too... i thought i was over all the infertility stuff and have moved on, but the more i read, the more the feelings re-surfaced and i realised i did not have the words to say what i was feeling. and here, here is someone who knows exactly what i'm going through.

i felt held and loved and not alone.  i felt 'normal' within the abnormalities of this journey. someone, a million miles away, knew how i felt.

i felt seen.

accepted.

loved.

she gave me hope.

i'm quite a 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get' type of girl - very honest. not always the best combo, but i'm all about showing up and being real.

(if these post are too heavy or personal for you, this is maybe not the blog for you to read).

i hope that my words will make you, who truly need this, feel as if you are not alone either. that what you are feeling is real.  i hope you feel 'normal' within all this sadness, but above all, i hope you find
H O P E in my words, because at the end there is always always hope!

H O P E and T R U S T.

i would love to hear your story... please email me at lynnemalan@gmail.com.

the truth of infertility is that your story matter.

it's ok to feel what you feel.

you are normal.

this all sucks right now, but in the end, when you hold that little baby in your arms, it was all worth it!

please share... and know that you are not alone.

Lin xx

* soaking up this beautiful life for the next 4 weeks! will be back in September

this is for you who are still waiting...

we are waiting too.

we are waiting for our other children.

it's endless.

you don't know anything.

it could happen tomorrow, next month, next year, 2 years from now...or never.

the 'is it going to happen at all' enters one's mind so often...daily... while you wait with every little thing in your heart for your child... you pray, you think positive thoughts, you hope and trust. you stay grateful for the life and children you already have. you try not to feel guilty for wanting more children (when there are so many couples who are still waiting for their first child).

you believe that the plan that God has for your family goes beyond anything you have ever thought... you believe that the plan He has for your family is huge and beautiful and many kids full and happy and healthy and soon. you believe it will be soon, 'at exactly the right time for your family'.

you trust.

and pray.

and trust again.

you live in trust.

you hold to every promise God made in the Bible and you trust in the big big plan He has for you.

thinking back about our life before our kids...how 'we' decided we are going to go on with our lives without children... 'because we choose to do so'...just to have that little bit control in your hands...you made that choice...

and today, with 2 children in our hearts and our hearts waiting in anticipation and patience and trust for our other children.. we cannot imagine our life without children. we, him and i, were put on this earth to parent these children... i know it in my heart.

wanting to have control in the situation is natural and normal.

let it go.

it takes too much energy. energy you can use to pray your children home. energy that you can use to let go and trust that He knows.

surrender.

surrender into trust.

surrender into God.

“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.” 
― Bede Griffiths

it will happen xx

* sending you who are still waiting the biggest and softest, 'i understand' hug... i know how scared you are, i know how much you doubt this truth, i know.

i also know it does happen, and you are loved and wanted and waiting... and yes, you are a mama, you are trusting, because it can happen for you too.

crazy, happy get-togethers* (dreams coming true)

“I realized these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives..."
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

(christina & Michelle...this is for you! xx)

i've dreamed of this madness...of kids running around, noise, lots of it, in reality something that sounds like chaos, but it's such happiness!!! being with these people was crazy and loud and funny and not funny and tiring and exhilarating... it was kids crying and kids fighting and laughter that ended in tears, kids saying they are hungry and mom's looking at each other...silence... 'no, not serious', continuing the same conversation for the 10th time. it was a dream coming true.

i thrive and come alive with many kids around me... my heart expands and fills up all at once... it's crazy and bizarre...

it's hard too. and challenging. and 'i-don't-know-what-i'm-doing' hard, it's guessing and trusting and believing that you are teaching them the right things. it's repeating and reminding and smiling and praying for patience... reminding yourself in their moment of overwhelm 'be the parent, be the parent'... don't over-react'... breath out... hard i tell you.  to get that balance right... it's hard.

but i would not change one thing.... except having more kids :-)

everything. all of this. it's magic.

 “the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road
*dear christina & michelle,
thank you for being 'mad' with me and allowing me to be mad with you :-)
thanks for making me burn with desire to be the best mom for my kids!
you inspire me xx

End of school year... only 2 more days!

t w o days. 2 days until we have long summer holidays!

i am counting down the days until this school year ends. 

i'm not making any appointments/dates for  the first 2 weeks. 

in this house we are going to go under the radar... sleep late, stay in pajamas all day, sort out the toys, eat whatever we feel like. paint. mess. bake cookies. order pizza. 

tonite, all i can think of is sleep. lots of it. not having to get up. wake up, have tea and getting back into bed. napping. movies. swimming. no reading. just being.  

not.doing.anything. not even talking. 

with 2 kids? 

you bet. 

(insert loud laugh) xx

(who am i kidding?) 

but that's the idea :-) 

infertility blues*

since i can remember i wanted many children... then we realised it was not 'just going to happen' and in between the infertility treatment and wondering what the future holds and the many people who always asks 'when are you going to start with a family', i used to joke and say we want 10 children. yes, you read correctly, T E N ! :-) 

during one such conversation a friend ask me 'what does your husband think about that?' and i thought oh! i must most probably ask him.  To which he answered: 'i will settle for 5'. (yes! i have the most amazing husband). 

after our unsuccessful infertility treatments, we decided 'what must be will be' and moved to the UK with the idea of not having children at all and if it happens for us, it happens.  We were quite naive. thinking we are over all the grief and totally on the other side of it.   The 2 years in the UK was our grieving period for not being able to have our own children.  Everything about those 2 years was sad and depressing.  but it was also the way God prepared us for our children.   

Fast forward 5 years and we are living in Malaysia with 2 beautiful, healthy, funny and caring children.  We decided to adopt here in Malaysia and so the process began.  The possibility of adding to our family and expanding in the one thing we know to be true... our love for our children and each other... again, to expand on that love and love even more, when you think you don't know how you can even love them more, and then it happens and your heart explodes with love and even more possibility. 

friday night i had 3 little brothers here at our place for a sleep over and it did not help.  it confirmed to me (again) that my heart has the capacity to love more children... the feeling i got when i took this photo?... i felt like i was in heaven... 10 little feet running around through the house, the noise, the giggles... e x p a n d i n g heart! 

yesterday we met with a contact to adopt here in malaysia.  during the conversation some things did not make sense and the story did not add up, so we stood up and walked out. my heart not broken, but sad, because today we could have had a little baby girl in our arms.  (unfortunately here in malaysia trafficking is huge and as potential adoptive parents you have to be extra careful when meeting people). 

we talked about it. about God and answers and not understanding. then my husband said 'you ask for an answer from God, He gives one and then you are not happy with His answer'.  (shall i roll my eyes? smile? cry? ) how does one know what is the right thing to do? how do you know if this was really illegal or who knows, maybe  they are legal, you don't know. you trust the feeling in your gut... 

trust. faith. for me it always ends in faith. knowing that God has our best interest at heart, that He is waiting for the right time, arranging the meeting of our next child to be absolutely perfect... 

He knows. i know He knows.  

having faith and trust in God, knowing in your heart that He is busy working with your life plan, having 2 beautiful and healthy children, does not take away the 'falling into the rabbit hole' of wanting to have your own children.  it's not so much wanting to be pregnant, having my husband's children... it's more of 'i wish it was as easy for us as for other people, to decide to have more children, get pregnant and give birth'... until you decide to have another child... and you get pregnant and your carry the baby and you give birth again, and have another miracle in your hands'... 

whenever we talk about more children, starting the process of adopting again, there is always a time where i wish i was like other woman...able to carry and have our own children, because then we don't have to think and try to understand what the plan is that God has for our life, or to think about... oh my goodness... there's a million questions when you adopt... but primary wondering when your baby is going to come, when the timing is right, when this is going to happen... is it going to be a little boy or girl... oh my goodness... stay calm, be objective. don't hope. or hope. be positive but don't expect too much.  i hope they are not part of a scam and having to be extra careful when meeting people, having to trust your gut and your first instincts. wondering when you are going to get 'the call', trusting and letting go... 

it's always a case of trusting and letting go... 

i guess it's normal for one to linger in the in between of infertility blues and possibility... trying to make sense of this journey, of the meaning of all that life brings to you and i would think most importantly, how we decide to act/react on everything happening with you... 

it's a crazy and whirlwind ride, but that moment when you get the call, and this is it, your baby is here, you can get ready to collect your baby... every moment was worth it. 

thinking about my son and daughter... we would go through that 9 years of infertility treatment again and again to be right here where we are now, in the midst of being blessed over and over again.