you can climb every mountain*

kellen half-way up the mountain in the Quiver forest just outside Nieuwoudtville 

kellen:  "i'm going to run up the mountain". 

dad:      "no, you can't go now. we can come back another day. grandma and grandpa is waiting in the car. we have to take them into consideration as well." 

kellen:  "but dad! this is what traveling is all about. running up mountains, looking for treasures,                    exploring and seeing and finding new things. it's the first time we are here and i have to try everything at least once!" (with an exclamation mark)  

me:   "yes, you are right. run, i will wait for you. you can climb every mountain." 

Gosh! i love this boy. and one day when he starts traveling by himself, i will stand at the airport, waving goodbye, swallowing my tears, but boy will i be proud! 

** read this beautiful written piece on traveling young  by Jeff Goins

smiling big*

our hearts are full... 

we spent 4 weeks with cousins + godchildren + sisters + brothers + fathers + mothers = family.

it was loud and busy and real and funny and a few fights and lots of laughter.

loads of memories.

we went to the seaside, open planes of the knersvlakte and the beautiful winelands.

we spent all our time with grandparents, cousins and friends. 

trying to get as close as possible to them without another cousin jumping in between. 

smiling from ear to ear, sleeping off the jet lag, unpacking and smiling,

remembering every moment in our country. 

“Sometimes," he sighed, "I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see. ” 
― Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

cousins*

one of the few moments of standing still... in silence...just hearing the wind blowing around us... 

these four have been busy and loud and awake! and alive! 

we may (or may not) have given them a little something to stand against the wall and smile...

but the suspense and eagerness to get up and run? 

they are on the go all the time.

in this moment i'm sitting in the bathroom with my laptop.

 i locked the door. 

all the kids (6 in total), in the lounge with the family... 

the silence in here, truly is golden. 

breath... 

ok...

ready to enter the madhouse 

of love and laughter! 

no place like home with the family! 

inspired*

i am inspired by the wonder and awe of our children... their fascination to learn and know everything about anything... i'm inspired by the love for my country... the boldness and longing to do something meaningful with ones' life. i'm inspired by maggie and how she is changing the world one child at a time... my brain is spinning with ideas of how i too, can change life, one child at a time...

hOmE*

we are visiting south africa for four whole weeks.

it means... family, cousins, cold cold weather!!!, winter clothes, dogs, grandma's and grandpa's, giggles and lots of laughter... it also means babies getting up at dawn = jetlag :-) and friends and my mom's house (feeling so close to her) and just being here. it means sick babies and puppy dogs and good good food. it means pro nutro every morning and family dinners at night, it means midnight chats with my sister-in-law talking about our 'exercise programs'..hehe... love love love being home.

there surely is no place like home.

hearts are full, full, full xx

truth* (of infertility)

the truth is...

i don't want to write about all the sad things of my heart.

right in the beginning i thought my blog is going to be about our amazing and beautiful and blessed life. i did a writing course and realised again that my best writing, and the writing you want to read, is the truth of my heart.  the posts, where i write from my heart, where i open it up, where i don't think about it, and just write what comes from my heart, those are the posts that you want to read.

blogging is a funny thing.  I thought that people want to read about happiness and good things and dreams coming true, which i believe to be true too. right now,  i guess it's the heart of the matter, it is the truth that needs to be told.

i'm writing about this, because i know how grateful i felt when i stumbled upon a blog 7 years ago of a beautiful girl who could not have her own children too... i thought i was over all the infertility stuff and have moved on, but the more i read, the more the feelings re-surfaced and i realised i did not have the words to say what i was feeling. and here, here is someone who knows exactly what i'm going through.

i felt held and loved and not alone.  i felt 'normal' within the abnormalities of this journey. someone, a million miles away, knew how i felt.

i felt seen.

accepted.

loved.

she gave me hope.

i'm quite a 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get' type of girl - very honest. not always the best combo, but i'm all about showing up and being real.

(if these post are too heavy or personal for you, this is maybe not the blog for you to read).

i hope that my words will make you, who truly need this, feel as if you are not alone either. that what you are feeling is real.  i hope you feel 'normal' within all this sadness, but above all, i hope you find
H O P E in my words, because at the end there is always always hope!

H O P E and T R U S T.

i would love to hear your story... please email me at lynnemalan@gmail.com.

the truth of infertility is that your story matter.

it's ok to feel what you feel.

you are normal.

this all sucks right now, but in the end, when you hold that little baby in your arms, it was all worth it!

please share... and know that you are not alone.

Lin xx

* soaking up this beautiful life for the next 4 weeks! will be back in September

this is for you who are still waiting...

we are waiting too.

we are waiting for our other children.

it's endless.

you don't know anything.

it could happen tomorrow, next month, next year, 2 years from now...or never.

the 'is it going to happen at all' enters one's mind so often...daily... while you wait with every little thing in your heart for your child... you pray, you think positive thoughts, you hope and trust. you stay grateful for the life and children you already have. you try not to feel guilty for wanting more children (when there are so many couples who are still waiting for their first child).

you believe that the plan that God has for your family goes beyond anything you have ever thought... you believe that the plan He has for your family is huge and beautiful and many kids full and happy and healthy and soon. you believe it will be soon, 'at exactly the right time for your family'.

you trust.

and pray.

and trust again.

you live in trust.

you hold to every promise God made in the Bible and you trust in the big big plan He has for you.

thinking back about our life before our kids...how 'we' decided we are going to go on with our lives without children... 'because we choose to do so'...just to have that little bit control in your hands...you made that choice...

and today, with 2 children in our hearts and our hearts waiting in anticipation and patience and trust for our other children.. we cannot imagine our life without children. we, him and i, were put on this earth to parent these children... i know it in my heart.

wanting to have control in the situation is natural and normal.

let it go.

it takes too much energy. energy you can use to pray your children home. energy that you can use to let go and trust that He knows.

surrender.

surrender into trust.

surrender into God.

“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.” 
― Bede Griffiths

it will happen xx

* sending you who are still waiting the biggest and softest, 'i understand' hug... i know how scared you are, i know how much you doubt this truth, i know.

i also know it does happen, and you are loved and wanted and waiting... and yes, you are a mama, you are trusting, because it can happen for you too.