re-entering*

friends of mine who attend retreats in america always talks about 're-entering' their lives after attending such said retreat.  it surely feels as if i'm re-entering kuala lumpur on an emotional level. 

yesterday was all about gratitude and love for our families and friends in south africa, of the opportunity  we were given to live overseas, of coming 'home' with all the photos and videos and memories of the most amazing 3 weeks spent in our country. of possibilities and even more opportunities that this year can hold for us. 

yesterday i was literally riding the wave of (emotional) joy and happiness. my heart was full. 

from left to right: my brother, willem, marcel (my husband), sue (my little sis), my dad and in the back 

Elizma (my sister-in-love). they bring out the best and worst of me..hehe... 

 cousins - instant connections 

 cousins in the bath

today, my heart is full.

but the emotions are different.  the gratitude is still there. the memories are overpowering good, but i put myself in a situation today where i had to be brave and step up for what i believe in and it felt like being brave was too hard to do.  i burst out in tears.  it was feelings of leaving my family and friends in south africa, of choosing to live so far away. of my children asking where their cousins and grand-parents are and we acting as if it is normal to live so far apart. feelings of getting back in routine, of being strong and brave and supporting my children where they can not. of raising them to be responsible, wild and free little ones within the cultural acceptance here in malaysia.

 marcel, chantal (sister-in-love), paul (brother-in-love) and me

 my father-in-love, photo taken 2am and he really wanted to sleep..hehe 

 my sweet mother-in-love... 

feelings of missing my mom and knowing that should i ever return to her home, the house we grew up in, there will be nothing of her. nothing. she now only lives in our memories. feelings of life that goes on for others and me who still want to hold onto her things... her clothes, her books... things that reminded me of her.  the only thing i could find of my mom (between everything that was going to be thrown away) was her wedding dress. i packed it in. it is here, with me in malaysia. sounds crazy. grief is crazy.  totally totally weird.

 bella and beth

having daddy with us every.single.day for 3 weeks... every minute of every day... nothing beats that!  

 my sister-in-love, Elizma

but all these emotions are true to my heart. i felt them. some days i still feel them.  some days they linger and stay for a while.  today was not the day to push them away and 'act' as if everything is fantastic. living overseas you sometime have to 'fake it till you make it'.  life is great. yes! we choose to make our life amazing and we live it to the fullest every.single.day.

ouma net and bella

but today, to be brave and far from the people that ground you and challenge you and fill your heart with joy, to realise you are here, and only you can make the choices as to how you are going to live this one and precious life, alone, was hard.

and then we go to bed.
we wake up tomorrow morning.
and a new day has begun xx