a love i did not know*

i love these three with a love that is fierce and bold, soft, full. sometimes it's quick, filled with giggles. it's mushiness of the heart into full extent. i love them with a love so sweet it taste like a cold, ripe fig.  it's a love pure and honest.  it's full on. it's always there.  it's God's love. it's a heart filled with love and gratitude, to be given a chance to be these two's mommy. to be a mother. to have been chosen by God to do this amazing thing as to mother this beautiful boy and girl.  it's a love that sometimes scares me. which reminds me to be even more daring, to show and teach them how to live life to the fullest. to savour every.single.moment.  it's a love that teaches me to surrender... to surrender into this love. to melt into their love. to be embraced or.... engulfed in their laughter and joy.  it's love after love. it starts when i open my eyes and ends when i close them at night. it's all consuming, filling every space in my heart. it's love. pure. honest. wholesome. happy. cannot-believe-such-a-love-exist. love.

truth on happy*

1.  happy is in your heart
2.  it shows on your face
3.  happy is here
4.  in the present moment
5.  happy is dreams
6.  it is living in them
7.  happy is giggles and laughter
8.  it is a feeling so full, your heart can burst
9.  happy is family
10. and friends
11. connection
12. understanding
13. truth
14. to be seen
15. love is happy
16. right here, right now

a feel-good story: the sweetness that is he*

A few weeks ago we were attending a birthday party of one of his friends.  Kellen and said friend's sister started running around and had loads of fun. Kellen just turned 5 and t is 8 years old.

On our way home we had the following conversation:

him:  mommy, can we go visit t at her house?
me:   yes we can.

silence.... after a short while...

him: mommy, when we go, i want to put on a jean and a 'cool shirt'.
me:  you can do that.

silence....

him: mommy, i think t will like a pink shirt.
me: yes, i think so too...

in the meantime, i'm bursting with joy (and giggles)... the sweetness of my little boy...

on monday we got home and he asked if he could make a card for t.  (he gets that from me, because we are regularly making cards for people we care for).  i gave him some card and pens and told him to cut out some pictures from a magazine. he said: 'no mommy, i want to punch butterflies and paste some of your flowers'.  :-0)  he then drew a picture of them playing in a field and t is picking flowers... (be still my heart*)

on tuesday he gave t the card and her mom told me that it was the first thing she told her when she picked her up and that t said she is going to put it up in her room.  she also said that t's friend, m, asked why she did not get a card. 

on wednesday, when we were in the shop, kellen asked me if he can buy t a gift.  (how can i not say yes?) he chose a little diary that can lock..hehee... and bought one for m too...

“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” Kahlil Gibran

14 things you didn't know about me*

1.  i love poetry
2.  i can live off smooth yogurt
3.  i am an introvert
4.  i am an extrovert between people i know
5.  i love stationary
6.  i am the eldest of 3 children
7.  i love my iphone
8.  i am 1.75m tall
9.  i love being at home
10.i love bright colours
11.i can go back to istanbul again and again
12.i don't know the names of songs/singers
13.words feed my soul
14.i'm the luckiest mama on earth

7 tips on living YOUR life*

1.  sometimes it difficult and you are tired of being brave and always trying to see the positive things in your life. 

 2.  but, you have to. to live a great life you have to make that change to make this life YOUR happy life.  what is the one step you have to take to start living the life YOU WANT? 

 3.  be patient. one step at a time.

4.  stop looking into the future. stop comparing your life to other people's  lives. your life is right here, right now.

5.  YOUR life IS great. You are in it. Live that.

6.  Look for the multi-colors. don't search for them. be still, open your eyes and see them right beside you. you already have all the answers you need inside you.

7. take many photographs of YOUR life, with YOU in it. be proud. be happy.

change is here*

today i've started.
i realised it is true. we are moving. we are moving house, we are moving countries. yep, it's happening.
i've started taking photos down...kind of 'nesting' before the move...putting all the photos together, sorting out what i want to keep, which ones i can throw away.  i'm sorting and organising and oh! visiting places i've been... Memory Lane... oh how i love thee...

“20 years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the one’s you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

things i know for sure:

1.  change is scary

2.  it's as if i go into a zone where i'm totally frozen... and then i wake up, like today and realise, this is it. this is your dream. you want to live in different countries, you want to 'experience it all'. go get them. put on your 'brave' and do it.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

3. sometimes things seems uncertain. trust the process. it is going to be ok.

4.  looking at this photo of kellen and bella it reminds me of the uncertainty of trying new things, just seeing the little bits of possibilities, of not seeing the full picture.  we put our feelings and ideas in different catagories, which we should'nt because they all go together. one big bowl of beautiful uncertainty. embrace that.

5. i know God is for me, i know He knows  our way and i know He loves us. i trust in Him.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

looking back on our stay in the uk for 4 years and the few months in malaysia, i know that the journey we are about to take as a family of four is going to be super exciting. i can already feel that feeling of aliveness, the joy of learning new languages, making new friends, eating different food, different holidays... i know that there are so much beauty awaiting us... i have to breath deeply when i think that i'm going to teach our children through our attitude and behaviour how amazing living in a different country can be...

traveling and or living in a different country is like photography... you never know how the photo is going to turn out... and then bam! surprise! It is amazingly beautiful!

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
― Alan Watts



tips on hanging on or living in limbo*

1.  hold on and see the facts for the facts.  you'll be scared, but it is easier to work with what you know than the unfamiliar.

2.  say it out loud. speak to someone. share. open up. don't feel ashamed that you are barely hanging on.

3.  try solving it all by yourself. hold on tight and just do it..whatever it is... go for it.

4.  sometimes hanging on feels heavy, you try harder but it feels as if you are not getting anywhere.

5.  let go of the things that don't serve you. easy question: ask yourself: does this add to my life? yes/no? yes? grab it and keep it close. no? let it go.

6.  some days it all is a haze and you don't know how you get to the other side.  the world is spinning, or is it only your world...

7. on the 'spinning around and around days'... you hold on and you trust the process with everything in you.

* all photos of kellen taken in 2010 on iphone with hipstamatic application

cheerleader*

sometimes you just want to sit on the sidelines and cheer on.
that is ok too.